conflict

Getting more opportunities lately to work on my relationship with anger. I've made some good progress I think. One thing I was able to notice from some incidents recently was that I wasn't afraid or averse to it like in the past. I've become a lot more open to conflict and uncomfortable feelings in general and see them as overall useful if nothing venomous is being said or done. Still made steps to detach from people who stirred things up continuously and unproductively but I didn't automatically see it as a bad thing like I used to.

More recently I had an interaction that reminded me not to respond while I'm activated. Frustrated, irritated, angry - filled with that energy that's pushing me to fight Right Now. It always always always leads to a short term win for long term loss. It damages relationships and produces lingering regret and hurt that I end up dwelling over to the point that it isn't worth it. Force just isn't the way.

As hard as it is in the moment, I need to keep practicing cooling off before responding. The tunnel vision that comes up is so compelling but it's rooted in fear and the sensation of powerlessness. Really it's that I forget my power. In these situations, that power lies in detachment not control. Not getting wound up by the words and actions of others. Not taking them personally, not seeing them as a threat at all. Just considering what I want and need and either communicating that or walking away. Simple.

In those heated moments, I tend to lose perspective. I forget what I like or appreciate about the person and think they must not care about me so I need to push back. It's my own stuff being projected. The truth is, I don't know the full story. There are an infinite number of possible factors that could lead someone to say or do something in a moment of interaction. It's foolish to personalize it or believe that I know but the tunnel vision and stories are so convincing in the moment. Along with the belief that I need to fight or shut down to protect myself.

I suppose it's time to start practicing more compassion. Recognizing that ultimately I don't know what's going on with others and that it's better to give the benefit of the doubt. All I can know for sure is what I want and need in response. Forcing things might give me the illusion of power and control in the moment but it's always poison in the end. Might be okay when necessary with strangers but not with those I'm in relationship with. And people can likely feel when I'm devaluing them in my approach and start to do the same to me so everyone loses.

So I'll try for more detachment. Just listening and negotiating. Going into it with calm and clarity. Aiming for win-wins. And we'll see how that goes.

Update: Went completely amicably and fine. I apologized for an earlier mistake, expressed my concerns, made a request and it was well received. Imagine how different it would've been if I went in with fight energy? I would have created the conflict. Instead there was just a conversation.

I noticed afterwards that my armpits were sweaty. This poor lil traumatized bod...hopefully each of these mini nonfrontations is moving it closer to homeostasis. To feeling safe and at ease in the world.