jun29

Recently I've been feeling kind of down and disappointed because I haven't made as much progress as I'd like with my inner growth and recovery. I'm still acting out old patterns and making the same mistakes that I'd hoped to have outgrown by now. I still doubt and second guess myself, still fall into avoiding and evading rather than being true to myself, still prioritize others over myself, lose contact with myself while with others and go along with things that I don't really want, end up being nice when I should be clear, fail to confront and clarify, fail to express myself, still procrastinating, hesitating and overthinking. I still struggle with it all.

While making lunch today, it occured to me that there's nothing else for it but to accept it and keep going. Keep failing and continuing anyways. Keep grieving, accepting and adjusting. Just keep going, preferably without getting all heavy and tired about not being where/who I want to be. Despite the failures, there's a lot to enjoy and be grateful for. This is hardly a good enough reason to lose sight of that and lapse into despondence, despair or self pity. That's just another habit that'll take some time to break. Another conditioned pattern passed down - the lack of appreciation for all that I am and have, no matter what.

Increasingly it's seeming that less and less is mattering to me aside from being true to myself on a moment to moment basis. I don't know why exactly, but I don't care much about anything else. It just seems to me the only way to create a satisfying and enjoyable life experience rather than the hollow and joyless one that so many are resigned to. Satisfying and enjoyable aren't even the right words really. Maybe just a real life rather than a fake, hollow or plastic one. A life that's right for me rather than one lived to appease the eyes and expectations of others.

It's such a subtle thing. It's this barely perceptible line that can only be felt by me, within me. The line between honoring the truth arising in my heart/body/mind/spirit as opposed to going along with things on the surface to avoid conflict, rejection and judgment. Honoring and allowing myself to be as I am over succumbing to fear. Only I can detect that tension within, and it's constantly coming up as situations arise. There's nothing that can really be talked about objectively or called into focus, nothing I can point to and say "that's what I want". It always depends on a split second decision in the moment of any given situation.

Until that can come to the surface more, I can't really see and go for what I want. Not clearly or effectively. Because I'm still too preoccupied with parsing apart what's mine and what's others, and dealing with the exhaustion that comes with doing things I don't really want to avoid disappointing or letting others down.

Thinking about this is bringing up anger. What a waste of time and energy. What a stupid way to live. A complete waste of this precious life. I've had enough.

And yet, I've had enough before. Therein lies my frustration. It just keeps happening anyways. It's a sickness, really. A pattern that's wormed itself so deeply into my body/mind that I can't even detect it until it's too late. It extends to every inch of my life in some way, constantly working its way through unspoken or broken boundaries, again and again and again. I can hardly see the world past it, there's hardly room for it amidst all the discomfort and tedium. Because that's what I was trained to do and be. An extension of others, a tool, a source of supply and attention and comfort, rather than my own real self with my own real life.