self

I was considering what the purpose of this blog is. There are several but I'd say two of the main ones are to get things out of my system and to actively work through my internal processes and delusions. In a way, everything I write here is the working through of delusion.

This got me thinking about this whole process of self-reflection. Proactively thinking about past experiences, thoughts and feelings and essentially trying to create a cohesive self-narrative out of it. Trying to find out "who I am" based on my findings. Trying to string them together to create some fixed sense of self. Something that I can hold onto, use to navigate the world, present to others and say "here I am".

It's a never ending game. Deeper and deeper down I go, exploring more thoughts, more feelings, more experiences, more interpretations, more judgements. And each day new situations play out and new info comes in that either affirms or conflicts with previous reflections. So the spiral inward continues, in and in and in. Finding new pieces, new systems, new patterns, new stories. Never reaching bottom because there is no bottom to reach. Never feeling quite there because there is no such self to find or define. There's only the greater Process. The coming and going of thoughts, feelings and experiences is just another part of that.

However it might appear, it's impersonal. It's all happening like everything else is. Thoughts and feelings aren't so different in essence from leaves on the wind. They differ in appearance and apparent content, which are based in interpretations, which are based in language, but either way they're not what they seem to be. They're another part of this greater movement of energy - of Life. Like leaves floating by, they appear for a time and then disappear again.

I'll continue exploring and writing here. I'm still compelled to so there's still energy behind it that wants to come out. These are just more reflections along the way.