pain

I was listening to music that had me reflecting on the pain of my parents. So much of it was poured into me.

I started hiding my emotions from an early age but they would overtake me when I was alone, and still do regularly. Waves of deep pain, grief, helplessness, remorse. I don't know if they feel it too, or if they continue to suppress and act it out instead, but it's still in me. Maybe it always will be.

In these moments I feel an urge to go to them, to give all of myself to alleviating their pain, but I've come to recognize that I can't do that and live my own life too. I failed miserably in my attempts to do so growing up and into adulthood. It turned out to be an impossible task, one that only lead to more suffering and wasted potential all around. And so I feel a tearing in my heart as I'm faced once again with accepting the circumstances and my limitations.

As the waves overtake me, I start to move my body. I can feel the heaviness of the energy moving through me and intuitively start to push it out through my arms and legs as the tears flow and the music plays. It turns into a dance, the energy working its way along my limbs and through the tears. In being accepted and felt, the pain is transformed into something beautiful.