mar29

Recently I've noticed a shift in how I'm perceiving and responding to situations that stir up frustration, irritation, anger and defensiveness. It started with a note left by a housemate pointing out that I didn't do a good job cleaning some oil off the stove. I've walked into rooms to find these kinds of notes a few times now and they'd usually set off irritation because I'd start thinking about how it was unfair that I was expected to be perfect while I was sometimes cleaning up after others without complaint. This time though, my frustration quickly dissipated and I found myself feeling thankful that he was pointing these things out. It occured to me that regardless of his feelings or intentions, his notes were helping me to be more attentive and considerate, which is mutually beneficial now, in future living situations and in general. So I just thanked him in my mind, made my breakfast and cleaned up after myself more carefully.

The other day a driver yelled out his window at me because I'd crossed the street at a red light. It was a calculated and relatively harmless moment to do so, I mainly did it because I was late getting somewhere and saw an opening to quickly get across. When he yelled at me I initially felt annoyed and defensive but again it made way for appreciation. Even though nothing happened, I did what I did because I wasn't paying attention. Not to the road, but to my thoughts and the unnecessary sense of urgency they were generating. Trying to get where I was going a few seconds sooner because my mind was playing scenarios where I wasn't let in or caused a minor disruption, as if it really mattered so much. Basically, I wasn't trusting that things would be fine so I took an unnecessary risk that someone called me out on. And he was right, so I thanked him in my mind and took it as another lesson, this time to trust more, rush less/leave earlier, really consider my priorities and especially to be more mindful of my thoughts and the feelings they're generating while I'm walking.

Yesterday I was at the laundromat and someone came in who was talking loudly into their phone, to the point that I couldn't properly hear or concentrate on what was coming through my headphones. I noticed anger bubbling up and the impulse to ask them to keep it down or take their call outside. Then I remembered that this person/situation isn't what it appears to be and found myself listening and considering what was really happening in that moment. My anger dissipated and again I realized that I hadn't been paying attention. I was frustrated because their talking was forcing me to be present rather than focus on what I was listening to. I also noticed that they were enjoying the conversation they were having and decided that it wouldn't be so bad to be around someone loud and happy for a few minutes. So again, I just felt thankful that they gave me another opportunity to process my feelings and practice shifting my perception. Instead of projecting my negative interpretations and feelings, I processed and shifted them internally which left both of us feeling positively.

Overall, I'm seeing it as some signs of moving away from my former mode of perception and towards a more unified and holistic one. Practicing what I'm evidently preaching, I suppose. It's relatively easy to perceive the essential unity/oneness when I'm alone, the real challenge is when I'm engaging with others. Much of the capacity for this seems to rely on continuous processing of arising emotions. Am I really seeing that the situation isn't how it appears to be via the senses? That we aren't really separate? That the stories my thoughts and feelings are telling me aren't really true? That I'm projecting false beliefs onto what I'm perceiving?

It also occured to me recently that my thoughts, prayers and intentions are likely impacting others in ways we can't necessarily perceive. Since objects and space are essentially sensory illusions, the people around me and in my life aren't necessarily unaffected by me just because they aren't within sensory range. I've been noticing how hypocritical I can be with my thoughts - being patient and calm in my actions while thinking negative and hurtful things in my mind, believing it to be harmless. So I'm trying to be more mindful of it. Not just acting in unharmful ways but catching and correcting harmful thoughts as well. Making a point to send out loving thoughts and energy and trusting that it's reaching others even if neither of us ever consciously perceives how or what impact it's having. I don't expect to be perfect with this, it's just something to move towards.

I'm especially trying to send out and receive as much forgiveness as I can. It's becoming more evident to me lately how much of the pain I and others cause comes from things we just don't have awareness or control over. I don't want any of us to carry resentment, blame, shame or guilt about any of it. I just want to learn from it then forgive and let it go. Again, something to move towards.

This can be especially challenging, and probably most necessary, with relationships that necessitate firmer boundaries and distance. Engaging and sincerely wishing love and forgiveness while also continuing to prioritize what I need to feel free, safe and at ease. Not just brushing things under the rug and carrying on like before but really learning and making better choices, even if that means the connection can't be as close. I'm noticing more accutely lately that my preferences, goals and priorities are quite different from most of the people in my life, and if I don't prioritize and understand them myself then no one will. I just hope they get that on some level, if not now then someday. And if not consciously then at least to know in their hearts that I'm not trying to hurt or reject them. I'm just doing what I need to do to prioritize my growth and healing, which will indirectly go a lot farther for everyone than if I was more immediately involved and available.