November 23, 2023•1,238 words
I feel like dog doo today. A good night's sleep is so vital to feelin fine. Let's get some low mood thoughts out.
As time goes on, it seems I'm becoming more and more simple. Almost too simple in some ways. My diet is simple, my lifestyle is simple, my passtimes are simple. I have little to talk about with people. I was in a group conversation yesterday and most of what I said was pulled from random trivia floating in my head that I don't really give a shit about. I was just bouncing relevent data back into the air, factoids in the mind that I tossed out for the sake of (attempted) connection and enjoyment. It wasn't satisfying, and actually it was frustrating to feel misunderstood and pretentious in my attempts. I regretted it, especially since it led to others thinking I actually cared about what we were talking about. They were empty words to me, just yammering back and forth to satisfy convention and politeness. Exchanging info that's essentially unreal and unimportant. Just another form of performance.
In some ways I actively avoid exposure to a lot of things that are taken for granted as normal conversation topics. I don't enjoy most media and entertainment. I find almost all of it actively unpleasant, and the few I do enjoy are usually somewhat obscure or niche. Not so obscure that they're very unique or hard to find or even especially "good", they just have qualities that resonate with and appeal to me. I'm not seeking them out, I don't generally care enough to. I'm not looking for media to imprint on or represent myself with. I don't have many enduring interests either. I just happen to come across the occasional thing that I enjoy for a while, sometimes a lot, and then I move on from it. I don't really keep track of them and I usually don't care to talk about them. They come, I enjoy them for a while, I move on. I find it boring when people describe media to me as a form of conversation. At this point I put on the same old videos as background noise and play some old games. That's pretty much it in terms of entertainment. I don't keep up with new things or keep track of what's going on in the world (aka the narrative du jour which will change by next week). I trust the info I need to reach me when it needs to, and I don't care to talk about things whose validity I can't verify and which are constantly in flux. I might speculate once in a while, moreso as a detached intellectual exercise or observation, but I'm not invested. I'm more often just saying what I think seems likely based on the available data.
I guess I just find most conversation boring. I get bored when it's dumb and I get bored when it's smart. Intellectual conversations can be even worse than the stupid ones. Bigger words to talk about more complex forms of the same shit, basically. Narratives and factoids involving the "real world", but narratives and factoids all the same. It's hardly different to me. It's just as boring. I feel so pretentious when I contribute, which I do all the same out of the same futile attempts to connect. And I leave just as drained.
So then, what isn't draining? Today I had a small moment that I enjoyed with others. Someone mentioned changing the voice on their GPS and I brought up that the first GPS my dad bought years ago had yoda and austin powers voices programmed in. "Left, you must turn!" "Turn right baby, yeah!!" Bringing it up made me and another person laugh. It felt good, and pure. Unpretentious. Just that moment was somehow more nourishing than the whole convo I'd had earlier. Probably because this didn't come from our intellects. We weren't sitting there passing factoids back and forth or trying to impress or accomplish something. It came up spontaneously and had no point, it just came out of my mouth as an outpouring of the happy memory that came up. So the happiness was shared and expanded. It wasn't empty data, the words in that moment were carrying happiness and amusement.
So I guess what I'm pointing to once again is speaking from the heart. When I speak from the mind to other minds, it usually feels dry and phony. I feel pretentious and come across as someone I'm not. When I speak from the heart, uncalculated and with no "point" other than to share because I'm compelled to, something else happens. The interaction has a density to it, it's almost palpable in the air. And the words are nourishing and feel alive. It's just hard to stay connected to that place, I suppose because of conditioned fear and shame. I'm so defended. The heart usually stays tucked away behind the false self being projected via the replacement of spontaneous expression with the factoids in the mind. Spontaneity can feel too vulnerable/scary/not good enough, so I'll present this better prepared thing instead which my mind has so efficiently pulled up. And thus empty words are uttered, and connection remains out of reach, and the interaction drains. This is what most conversation is - people disconnected from the heart and each other filling each other's minds up while trying to reach and be reached somewhere behind the persona and trivia being projected. Real connection is rare and occurs most often incidentally/in spite of the exchanges of words going on.
I suppose it's probably something of a skill to make conversations more real and enjoyable for myself, a skill that I haven't really honed. Because I'm used to letting others take the lead and adapting to them. But most people are defended and head-oriented too, so it's mostly dry. So really for the most part, it's going to be up to me. I can't count on others for this. I'll have to take the lead more, at least in terms of my own responses. Being more real and less head-y, I guess.
The nourishing moments I enjoy are often wordless, or happen between/around the words. Shared looks of mutual care or delight, or just being around someone I like for whatever reason, someone who feels good to me, even if we're not talking. Talking is usually a formality, and often a barrier. At least the ways I tend to use it, I suppose. I hope I can develop the skill and willingness to improve my interactions in time. Otherwise I am gonna dry the fuck out.
This has been tonight's grumpy sleepylog. Over and out!
Oh yeah, and I remembered something else today. I'm not cool or smart or mysterious, as others sometimes think until they really get to know me and which I can start to believe in a sense when I'm tucked behind my defenses for long enough. More accurate descriptors would be simple, silly, sensitive, clumsy. I am not the contents of my mind. It's just good to be reminded of those deeper parts once in a while, since they don't get out enough these days and they're really more fun to embody. I hope I can find/create more dynamics in time where they find their way out. I hope this more serious/heavy phase runs its course in time.