Teun

@teunvanson

Writing is hard. #100days

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5.

So yeah, I didn't write yesterday. I just forgot. It's really not in my system to write every day. I just got daily yoga and meditation in my system (which was difficult enough), and now another thing is, for now, difficult. I do want to continue though, I always feel quite good after writing whatever is on my mind. I don't care about the quality, I don't write with a reason other than to purge the contents of my brain. It's like a second meditation, in a way.

In meditation, the idea is that you stop the endless thinking and reflecting that's going on in your brain, and you take a step back to just observe. You can observe anything, even your thoughts, as long as you don't let them carry you away. When you're thinking without knowing that you're thinking, you're not meditating. Not that that isn't a big part of my daily meditation routine. I spend a lot of time thinking without knowing that I'm thinking, especially in the beginning of each session. But the idea is that you become aware of it, and direct your attention toward something else. Usually that is the breath, because it's always available, but you can pay attention to anything. Sounds, body sensations, and like I said, even thoughts. But so far I found that 'observing' thoughts in this way is pretty goddamn difficult. It's like your brain has to operate on two levels at once; it's thinking a thought, and it's also observing that very thought from above. I have no idea how to do it. But I don't think that's so important. Meditation really helps me to ground during the day, to step back from my feelings and thoughts and ground them in neutrality. It helps me not to get too carried away.

So yeah (I hate that I start the second sentence in this post like this), writing fulfills a similar purpose, I think. I'm not really thinking while doing it, I'm not criticising what I'm putting to the metaphorical paper. Instead I just let my thoughts be, and channel them to the aforementioned metaphorical paper.

But I still find that I sometimes stop, not knowing what to write next (as you might understand, that just happened). That means that I still think too much, that I'm still too critical. Because I could always write nonsense. Nothing tells me that these writings have to make sense in any way. I can always write the first word that comes to mind, and then the next, etc. until infinity. But apparently I still criticise my thoughts enough to stop myself from writing them down. I hope that I'll get better at this in the future. That my writing will become less structured, and so, in a way, worse. Interesting thing to strive for.


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