54.

It's strange how difficult it is for me to just enjoy a day with nothing in particular to do. I really think that feeling happy is the most important thing in life, and things like work and study are just ways to achieve it. So I don't think that I have to work every single day to have a good life. But still, when I have nothing to do, I can't really enjoy myself. Even though there's always something to do, and I would really enjoy these things in other contexts. For example, I like reading (to a degree), I like listening to music, I like watching movies, I like reading articles, yet spending a whole day inside only doing these things usually makes me feel uneasy. I wish I was able to just enjoy my time, regardless of how "productive" I think I am. Because this urge to be productive rarely leads to actual productivity anyways. It's usually just an unpleasant mental pressure that I'm constantly aware of. It's as if deep down, I believe that I have to do something useful before I can enjoy myself. And this goes for every single day of my life. I don't really believe it, but maybe my subconsciousness somehow does.

I don't really know what else to write about. I've kinda made a "rule" for myself, that every entry here should be at least a decent length. And now I'm looking at the above text, and I'm not satisfied. But maybe I shouldn't care. I never made a rule about how long these things need to be anyways. So why impose even more rules onto myself? Maybe I should just end it right here!


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