Day 069

#100Days

Detox

Today it was made clear to me that I really need a detox. A very strong one. An emotional detox.

I faced a situation from the past that used to be quite precious to me. But to me alone.
I noticed I was the one carrying that weight alone for a long time, and today I finally saw it clearly that I have no point in keep doing so.

Today I could see how tired I was of all of it. I was tired for too long. Mentally, morally, physically, and most important, emotionally tired.

I was trying to prove a point, to I don't know who, but not me. Maybe I wanted the universe to see it, or maybe the inner child was yelling and desperately crying for help again. Or maybe the inner child was expecting the people involved to notice it, and pay some attention, give some care...

But the child had a goal, a specific event in mind, that one from the past. The poor kid wanted, at all costs, to keep alive something that has long gone. Not just gone, but something that became obsolete, irrelevant. Something that was impermanent all along.

I'm not sure if this is lack of self-respect, insistence, or plain stupidity. But clearly the kid has the attitude of not letting go, clinging, holding onto memories. Again looking outside, not inside.

So today I'm taking over and helping the kid to understand that most things do not last forever, they're impermanent, temporary. Still valuable, beautiful, good... but impermanent.

Rule #2: Treat yourself as someone you're responsible for helping

(this comes from Jordan Peterson, in his book 12 Rules for Life)

This is a golden rule to me. One of the most important ones that I spent most of my life neglecting. And it sums up to another nice quote, which I do not recall word by word at the moment, but consists, in essence, to this:

Do whatever tha fuck that makes you happy, because in the end you will be the one standing there.

(strong, isn't?)

So I decided to follow up the suggestion of taking good care of myself and trashing all the bad stuff and all the shit I was carrying alone along the way. There is no one there for whom I'd need to prove myself. No authority, no higher entity governing my life, or deciding what I should do. There is only the Consciousness there, doing whatever it decides to do, believing in whatever it decides to believe. Sometimes I remember that we are one (I say 'sometimes' because most of the times I'm still distracted and focused on the mundane).

This is (most likely) only the beggining, and there's probably a lot more dirt to be dug out that I am not yet seeing.

But that's some good direction. I have a good understanding of what I must do.

Thank you for reading.