No.1 - Expressing thoughts

I was never good at expressing my thoughts. Whenever I feel the need to say my feelings and thoughts out loud, the thought of “would anyone care, what if everyone ignores me” kicks in. I hate being ignored. That is so rude. That's where I developed infinite respect towards people who are able to express their thoughts out loud to the intended public.

People often say I am not expressive but rather dry and tired. This is a false statement. I just don’t know what to say to show empathy or show that I am actually interested in the conversation. Whenever I am interested in something, people say, my voice gets a little louder, and my hand gestures get a little more diverse.

My friends who do debate are never afraid of saying their opinions out loud. I, on the other hand, am internally chronically fearing the judgment and the consequences I will receive from saying my thoughts out loud.

Whoever is able to say their feelings out loud and admit their feelings speak to the inner me, “what a coward.” Being able to admit what I think, certainly, is not something that is embarrassing. It is something to be proud of, for being a transparent person. But why can’t I be that person that I personally would admire? What am I so scared of? I already know people around me care about me and they would listen to me no matter what I speak of.

Saying things I don’t like is much easier than saying things that I do like. One day, I want to say what I like and admit that I am able to show commitment towards that feeling. I want to be publicly and proudly obligated to that feeling of interest. I want to be a person that I could respect for being a transparent, vocal person.

As much as I enjoy telling people my story, I also find joy in listening to other people. And the primary medium of storytelling, in my opinion, is music. Music artists bring in their thoughts and feelings and their stories to compose lyrics. Some lyrics may talk about their hardships, some may be talking about their love life, some may be talking about their aspirations.

Recently I thought, “maybe it would be easier to express my thoughts through music.” People would never be able to tell whether I actually went through the things I talk about in my music. At least for me, I never can tell whether the music is something the songwriter has personally been through or the lyrics are just there to make more money. One day, I want to make songs that I can talk about what I have been through in my life. I want to talk to the public about something that I love. I want to find people that may relate to me and my experiences.

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Regarding 100 days challenge:
The reason why I wanted to start blogging is because I could sense myself digging into the dark musty pit I was in back when I was Not In A Great Condition. So to prevent myself from getting depressed again, I decided to actually write things out and talk about things to others!! Do we cheer or do we cheer!? Talking to SX for 3.5 hours that one night kind of inspired me to talk about my stuff?? Shout out to her?? I guess??

Anyway, I hope participating in the 100 day challenge gives me some sense of peace. AND some responsibilities so I actually keep blogging and not abandon this thing after the first day.

So let's see how this one goes, I guess...

1/100 days