No.6 - Gaslight

Gaslight. Gatekeep. Girlboss. I call these the modern day 3Gs.
While the ancient times (they're not THAT ancient but they're ancient compared to me, therefore they're ancient) Europeans explored around the world looking for 3Gs (gold, glory, and God), I say people nowadays master the art of the modern day 3Gs for their own good.

Let's talk about the first G, gaslight today.

Many of you guys probably already know, but I used to gaslight myself that I like math in 9th grade. I was just in hurry of finding an interest for my major, because everyone around me was sweating to get into school programs such as FRC robotics or ISS Research Lab. On the other hand, after I got rejected from FRC in the beginning of 9th grade, I honestly could not care less. I was satisfied with the life I had, where I went to school, learned a little and goofed around a little, went back home, grinded homework, chilled, and went to bed early. My parents were stressing over my brother's college applications at this time (he was a senior, what a clown) meaning that they were relatively chill on me.

However, after the first semester of 9th grade where I didn't finish with straight A's, my mom started stressing over whether I will ever be able to get into any college from now on. Ok, let's be honest here. It was 9th grade first semester, and most colleges probably don't even care that much about the B(s) you got in 9th grade. I mean to be brutally honest, I, a 17 year old, wouldn't place too much trust that 13 to 14 year olds could balance everything in their life perfectly.

Well, I guess my mother dearest thought otherwise. She signed me up for an AMC winter class. I spent all winter doing competitive math. This continued to after winter break. And until 11th grade. The thing is, I can't do things I don't like. It sounds like I'm trying to be quirky and nonchalant, but I genuinely cannot focus on things I don't enjoy. My dopamine receptors are so fried to the extent where I need constant entertainment from things I like, not uninteresting things like I don't know... college application yap sessions...

The only solution here was to gaslight myself to thinking that I liked math.

Before you say anything - I'd kill to argue that competitive math isn't quite the math I enjoy too much. As much as competitive math grows one's minds into making brain work faster or optimizing the work time, it ultimately is also true that it creates... competition (wow it's almost like it's in the name). Sweaty nerds who want to be pretentious and flex on others with just a small score they have achieved in the span of 75 minutes are so insufferable; I am so glad that I grew out of that phase.

However, college is a thing, and they like to look at the honors and awards you have received in the 4 years you have spent in high school. Of course, as another teenager living in the Bay planning on going to a college after high school, I had to hop on the grind. Aside from college applications, I wanted to prove myself that I am also able to achieve things. While my friends were getting into competitive school programs and getting awards from Math Team, I have been so disconnected from the "nerd" society where everyone has something going on until the end of the day that is not school work.

To do this, I simply kept saying that I liked math. I enjoyed math and the only thing I would ever want to do is math. Math only opens the perspective of how I look into this world, and I could die from doing math. Quite frankly, this was not true. I literally got a B+ in Precalculus the previous semester, how on earth would I even like math that I probably am not even good at? I guess it somehow worked out though, looking at how I am now here applying to colleges as a theoretical math major.

Enough with math, this habit has been catching up to my real human thoughts too. Despite how value highly of some things in my life, I also don't like seeing myself attached to that way too much (such as friends?). I gaslight myself whenever I think of this. I also remember gaslighting myself that dating is cringe because I didn't want to submit myself to something everyone is lurking over from 9th second semester to maybe 11th grade because I didn't want to be like "noo why am I single" all the time and look for someone - lowkey seems cringe to me.

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6/100 days