The voices we all hear…
I’ve been making changes and following through with them (most of them) and find myself still constantly grappling with hopelessness and ineffectiveness. I suppose I assumed that would change or maybe lessen over time, but here I am still doing what I said I would simply because I said it.
I don’t mean to say I don’t enjoy doing them while they’re happening (most of the time) but the amount of struggle to do something simple like take a walk at lunch is more significant than one would think. My mind goes to the “why in the frickin hell are you going to do that? you’ll still be fat and stupid afterwards-you’ll still have done nothing with yourself and be an embarrassment to all who really know you” etc etc. The same can be said for writing in this blog, or being more aware of my own eating habits (smaller portions would help me a lot) or practicing spiritual beliefs (they get stronger the more you practice). It might have been a mistake to do all of these at once, but I was feeling like it was the time and I wanted to feel like myself again.
That’s a silly turn of phrase: feel like myself; who else am I to feel like? I think the point in the question is that I have become someone who I don’t really recognize or maybe that I don’t know myself to be. That seems closer to the point of it-I don’t know myself to be the person I have made myself into. I’ve made myself into this person by my own choices-but each choice in retrospect seems like a concession I made to get someplace I thought I needed to be; a little further off a path each time. Compromises that took me into uncharted territory where I’m not comfortable being the person I’ve chosen. I’m not a monster by any means, but this isn’t how I imagined this portion of my life. To be truthful, I didn’t really imagine what my life would be at this age, not consciously, but I’m surprised to be where I’m at.
Again-just another internal musing with no point other than to get some of this stuff out of my brain. I’m hoping it has a positive effect over time and not some kind of echo chamber where I get like Rush Limbaugh and think everyone but me is an idiot.