3116 words

stupid rollercoasters

So I'm not a big fan of rollercoasters, nor am I really a fan of horror movies (but slasher stuff is fun when I'm in the mood). I just don't enjoy the act of feeling afraid, not that these things actually scare me; maybe the issue is I can't suspend my disbelief to think these things are scary. Scary to me is losing the love of my life or seeing a loved one suffer or something beyond my control. Rollercoasters are not dangerous-or shouldn't be really; they can be thrilling but not scary.

The reason I bring this up-is that emotional rollercoasters are scary to me. I sometimes get into a state where my emotions will just come out and I'll be happy/sad/weepy/giggling all in the spam of 5 minutes. I don't know what brings about this state, but it stinks and is substantially unnerving. Not being in control of my emotional state is unsettling, which is likely the point. It's crossed my mind that the reason for this 'imbalance' of emotion is due to my having a stranglehold on my feelings most of the time and eventually that stranglehold becomes too restricting and the stuff that I 'control' boils over and I can only hold on for the ride. That's my only idea as to why it happens.

I suppose it could be a biorhythm sort of thing-my time of the month as it were; but it doesn't happen monthly nor often enough to worry about it.

New digs

Again-a while since I last posted and technically the first time posting to this new platform. As my dear reader has guessed, I took the posts from another platform and transposed the scribblings here for a couple of reasons, the largest being ease of entry. Though this platform is different than the last-I'm hoping to better like the anonymity than the last one.

It's interesting that this exercise in writing is taking its own shape outside of what I intended. I don't really remember what the initial intention was-aside from wanted to "get out what is in my head" but whatever the initial intention was the endeavor has morphed into a self-discovery/trail of breadcrumbs from where I first started. I often indulge too often in waxing philosophic and poetically with language laced with flowers and warm fuzzies and I'm not sure where that comes from. Maybe I want to be seen as erudite and have strangers think well of me? Maybe I want to create my world that way to make it more palatable to consume on a daily basis-mental comfort food as it were. Maybe this will be made more clear if I do a better job at writing more often. The old adages of knowing yourself springs to mind-which I can always do better at.
In any event, this is once more a commitment to writing and bettering myself in the process.

be well
Speech

A wisp of inspiration

A wisp of inspiration

It’s been a while since I last posted, but that’s how this goes. I write when I’m motivated or when I’m inspired-this is the latter of those times.

I watched a movie about a quirky high school kid who was paid to write a letter to a girl from a guy who was sweet but not that swift and/or deep. The question of belief in god came up and how the main character didn’t believe-blah blah blah. It occurred to me that the line between believing and not believing is so thin. I was reminded of a quote from the movie “The Doors” (one of my favorites) about believing in “a prolonged derangement of the senses to achieve the infinite” . This was profound to me at the time but more today than most. The shift in perception of something, which can happen so swiftly, can inspire and kill belief. I’m sure that it would be argued by the faithful that these are mere tests of faith and that a person should always carry their faith as a shield against these shifts in outlook. I don’t agree with that premise. I think the ability to shift into and out of belief allows a person to grow and evolve as an individual and if I come back to a place of faith-it will be a faith that is hard won and a genuine and organic place to be. Holding fast to a belief because it feels safe or because someone told you that you’re less if you don’t is abusive and really silly. In an age of pointless information and endless opinions, not exploring one’s options is a lost opportunity.

The movie I watched also reminded me how the idea of love being kind and patient and whatnot is hokum, it’s a nice idea and don’t get me wrong-it often times is. What love really is, is messy and selfish and hurtful at times; love is a human expression and therefore imperfect. It’s an expression of our higher selves that needs to nurtured in order to do it well. It’s like any expression we have-art, music, dance etc-it needs to be practiced and committed to in order to allow it to be an effortless expression. Some people have more of a talent for it than others, just like singing or drawing, and may frustrated others to see it come ‘so easily’. I’ve known for a while now that love is a choice, you choose who you love-sometimes unconsciously, but I think true love is a choice and choices are powerful.

Reinforcing choices

Reinforcing choices

I wanted to ruminate today about who we think we are. I was reminded recently that most (maybe all) of what we believe ourselves to be are choices and we remain that as long as we continue to make that choice. That’s probably why I liked moving somewhere new because I was able to make new choices without the perceived burden of someone else’s expectations. I was free to make new choices and be something different.

There is a big difference between saying I am 44 years old and I am a vegetarian. The difference is one is a choice and the other describes how long I’ve been alive. I was reminded of this distinction from someone else’s blog, so I don’t want to just steal the idea whole cloth, but I’m hoping that writing about it will reinforce it in my own mind and generate some change in my mind.

New Start

New start

So, I’ve been belly-aching pretty hard since I started this little fun-time writing project and I’m kinda tired of being that way. Maybe it took me to see it in writing to recognize how toxic I’m being with myself. I took some days off to try and regain perspective and get myself on a path that is at least constructive.

I find I can be fairly intense about some thing and can let myself get super-focused on what I think I should do but not actually pay attention to how I react to doing what I think I should. It’s a great recipe for blinders and obsession and/or missing the larger picture. I started this writing project to give myself an outlet for writing and to also get myself in the habit of writing everyday, so that is what I did-no matter how I felt. So, I wrote everyday and began the self-pity or whatever you’d want to call it and maybe resented the energy it took to do what I said I would-who knows where my head was at really. The tl/dr is I stopped doing what I set out to do.

I got to go and attend a talk my wife gave today about social media marketing. She is a great speaker and super-personable. I am grateful I got to see her because it reminded me how great she is, which in the day to day journey of anyone’s life is easy to lose sight of. Seeing how wonderful she is reminded me how lucky I am which had me seeing the world in a different light-poof! new start!

Be well

The voices we all hear

The voices we all hear…

I’ve been making changes and following through with them (most of them) and find myself still constantly grappling with hopelessness and ineffectiveness. I suppose I assumed that would change or maybe lessen over time, but here I am still doing what I said I would simply because I said it.

I don’t mean to say I don’t enjoy doing them while they’re happening (most of the time) but the amount of struggle to do something simple like take a walk at lunch is more significant than one would think. My mind goes to the “why in the frickin hell are you going to do that? you’ll still be fat and stupid afterwards-you’ll still have done nothing with yourself and be an embarrassment to all who really know you” etc etc. The same can be said for writing in this blog, or being more aware of my own eating habits (smaller portions would help me a lot) or practicing spiritual beliefs (they get stronger the more you practice). It might have been a mistake to do all of these at once, but I was feeling like it was the time and I wanted to feel like myself again.

That’s a silly turn of phrase: feel like myself; who else am I to feel like? I think the point in the question is that I have become someone who I don’t really recognize or maybe that I don’t know myself to be. That seems closer to the point of it-I don’t know myself to be the person I have made myself into. I’ve made myself into this person by my own choices-but each choice in retrospect seems like a concession I made to get someplace I thought I needed to be; a little further off a path each time. Compromises that took me into uncharted territory where I’m not comfortable being the person I’ve chosen. I’m not a monster by any means, but this isn’t how I imagined this portion of my life. To be truthful, I didn’t really imagine what my life would be at this age, not consciously, but I’m surprised to be where I’m at.

Again-just another internal musing with no point other than to get some of this stuff out of my brain. I’m hoping it has a positive effect over time and not some kind of echo chamber where I get like Rush Limbaugh and think everyone but me is an idiot.

Be well,

Note 4

I spent the day working, but I tend to take some time out of the day to distract myself and follow my interests; such as cooking or gaming or books. I tend to flit from topic to topic to rest my brain from doing things I don’t find all that interesting.

Today, I watched a video concerning the Lord of the Rings story, specifically the part within the Fellowship of the Ring that concerns Tom Bombadil. The person who created the video (whom I highly recommend-Matt Colville) spoke about how he really didn’t like the part concerning Tom Bombadil, nor really understood why it was there since the tone of the chapters don’t match what comes before nor what comes after. This is a common opinion (not liking Tom Bombadil) but I do like his take on why Tom is there-long story short-Tom embodies the mythic ideal that all of creation can be dealt with wisdom if one only understood. The barrow-wights, old man willow etc he dealt with by just understanding them and not exactly confronting them, but working with them. Matt went on to explain that Tom’s realm is the last one the hobbits pass through before they go into the ‘real world’ and that in the end, Frodo passes-through the ‘real world’ into the west to experience what he did when he was around Tom.

As fascinating that this is to me-the biggest revelation for me was to hear another person think so deeply and speak so seriously about something that sustained me most of my life felt very good to see. That serious of books was something I treasured and I was told over and over again that it was junk literature not worth much. It was just satisfying to see someone share the same point of view.

Be well

Sunday morning coming down

Sunday morning coming down

Today is my weekly weigh-in for Weight Watchers for my wife and I. As I’ve said in past posts, I’ve taken on moving more and eating less in the last week or so and I’m hoping to have lost weight this week. I gained last week, which isn’t any great surprise, but it did disappoint me in a new sort of way-which is likely the reason I took on my moving more and eating less.

I am mentally struggling this morning whether these little exercises are doing anything positive for me-or whether this is another demonstration of mental masturbation and self congratulatory behavior. I think I am expecting too much of it at the moment-I tend to set myself to be disappointed and then berate myself for being naive etc etc. It’s the way I defeat myself before I start. The biggest difference for me is that I seem to be putting what I say into action instead of overthinking/self-defeat which feels like a nice change. It’s interesting that I assume that being a good person/good with my word will magically change me in some fundamental way and fix me. That is funny to me since I’m a great believer in nobody is really broken, we’re all fully complete and perfect beings carrying emotional baggage that limits our expression of ourselves. But if only I was who the world thinks I am will it fix me; that’s pretty funny-ironic, but funny.

I plan to go to my step-daughters house today to smudge it (smudging is the act of emotionally cleansing a place by ‘washing’ it with the smoke from a burning sage plant) because my grand daughter has been seeing scary shadows/spirits in their house. I’m happy to do it for them-but it feels strange to be called on to do this when I haven’t been following my own teachings on the matter. I have Native American blood in me and was given the teachings of the Ojibwe nation when I lived in Toronto. As I’ve mentioned before, I put down a lot of who I’ve been in order to be Somebody in this world, but coming back around to it feels good and proper, like I’ve come home. I smudged my own house yesterday and I’ve felt calmer and more relaxed since I did it (which is entirely the point of it). In the past I probably would have treated the request as a burden but I genuinely don’t feel that way today. Which is pretty cool. 🙂

Be well,

Speeach

A rolling stone gathers...

A rolling stone gathers…

I’ve been making changes in my life lately that surprises me. As I alluded to in yesterday’s post, I struggle with imposter-syndrome coupled with anxiety and fear of looking stupid. The combination of these three things have kept me in a stalemate of inaction that creates further discouraging thoughts that keep me sad/angry/whatever. I am not meaning to sound like a sad-sack, think of this as more of a putting things outside of my head so I can put them down.

As an example of a change I’ve began (outside of this blogging/journal thingy) is I started walking at lunch. Normally I would just eat lunch at my desk and really not get outside the office the entire day. One day last week, I had already eaten lunch at my desk and I was feeling fairly tired, it was about 1:30 and I considered having a coffee to perk me up-instead, I just got up, grabbed my coat and walked down the five flights of stairs (didn’t take the elevator which I usually do) and just began walking. There is a smallish pond on the grounds of the building I work in and I took a stroll around it. I had forgotten to take headphones with me so I could listen to music on the walk, so I had only my thoughts to keep me company. I came to the conclusion that one of the tricks I play on myself is to overthink everything and create reasons to not try anything. It’s not like this is a great and momentous revelation that will change my view of reality, I’ve come to this conclusion before-I’m not an idiot. In the past I would come to such realizations and then pat myself on the back and tell myself how clever and insightful I was (in the self congratulatory way egoists LOVE) and reward myself by taking it easy, since I did so much great work just then. 🙂

Some other changes I’ve been making is being more conscious about my eating (my wife and I go to Weight Watchers) and all of the mental fencing I do around that; getting back into the spiritual state of mind that I used to be in-I’ve put most of those teachings down in order to focus on my secular life and become Someone. 🙂 There’s also other behavioral junk I’m confronting but suffice to say I feel like I’m gathering pieces of myself that I’ve set aside or convinced myself were unimportant-but it’s those pieces that has me feeling more myself.

Starting is never the hardest part

Starting is never the hardest part…

When it comes to these sorts of endeavors (blogging or websiting or writing) I tend to have a lot of beginning energy and allow distractions to split my focus. I, like I assume every other aspiring someone, have the best intentions and come out of the gate like a flaming cheetah of spirit and the next day talk myself out of continuing or allow whatever silent recriminations I make up to convince myself that it’s pointless and what I do/create/am doesn’t matter.

I don’t know if this time will be different, but I’d like it to be. I’m thinking that the very act of working through this ambivalence in the written form will bolster that inner-voice so it needs to be expressed; instead of creating as a cry for approval. It feels fairly crappy when put that way.

So again, this is a start and my thought is to make at least one of these a day-to write out whatever needs to be done to get my doing something. It could be more, but in the beginning I need to keep to my plan and crawl before I walk.

Be well,

Speech