December 2, 2020•430 words
A rolling stone gathers…
I’ve been making changes in my life lately that surprises me. As I alluded to in yesterday’s post, I struggle with imposter-syndrome coupled with anxiety and fear of looking stupid. The combination of these three things have kept me in a stalemate of inaction that creates further discouraging thoughts that keep me sad/angry/whatever. I am not meaning to sound like a sad-sack, think of this as more of a putting things outside of my head so I can put them down.
As an example of a change I’ve began (outside of this blogging/journal thingy) is I started walking at lunch. Normally I would just eat lunch at my desk and really not get outside the office the entire day. One day last week, I had already eaten lunch at my desk and I was feeling fairly tired, it was about 1:30 and I considered having a coffee to perk me up-instead, I just got up, grabbed my coat and walked down the five flights of stairs (didn’t take the elevator which I usually do) and just began walking. There is a smallish pond on the grounds of the building I work in and I took a stroll around it. I had forgotten to take headphones with me so I could listen to music on the walk, so I had only my thoughts to keep me company. I came to the conclusion that one of the tricks I play on myself is to overthink everything and create reasons to not try anything. It’s not like this is a great and momentous revelation that will change my view of reality, I’ve come to this conclusion before-I’m not an idiot. In the past I would come to such realizations and then pat myself on the back and tell myself how clever and insightful I was (in the self congratulatory way egoists LOVE) and reward myself by taking it easy, since I did so much great work just then. 🙂
Some other changes I’ve been making is being more conscious about my eating (my wife and I go to Weight Watchers) and all of the mental fencing I do around that; getting back into the spiritual state of mind that I used to be in-I’ve put most of those teachings down in order to focus on my secular life and become Someone. 🙂 There’s also other behavioral junk I’m confronting but suffice to say I feel like I’m gathering pieces of myself that I’ve set aside or convinced myself were unimportant-but it’s those pieces that has me feeling more myself.