i have a lot of work to do today but i dont want to write any of it out now, so i'm spending my time looking at poor quality documents on youtube. makes me wonder if being a professional researcher would be an interesting job. i got high last night and i thought about my job decisions after uni. so far i have come up with :

psychology - i want to do therapy/consulting. i feel like theres a huge place for that especially if you are a degree educated psychologist, and you move to private consulting. or even firm consulting/medical consulting. family consulting. like base salaries start at 40k, scale really high and you're really being paid to listen to people's problems. obviously that's gotta be rough on the mind sometimes but like there's no way i wouldn't want to do that. at all. i guess the only real barrier is mental health issues of my own; i don't put much value onto suicide/life so i think maybe i would need to work through that before i could be a career professional?

law - i think going from being a shrink - a lawyer would be a nice career path overall. i can definitely see myself in the future talking to clients about internal issues and convincing people within a a certain case? definitely. you also.. help people. to a degree. it's something i could probably sleep well with. i really hope my irregular sleep (some weeks too early, some weeks ridiculous hours (3/4/5AM)) would iron out if i find something to put my thoughts into.

politics - ?????? i dont know about this one. the world is insane. probably would have a lot of contacts after being both a lawyer and a therapist though - could be like a 50-60 year old cigar puffing cabinet minister. if i ever stayed in the UK - probably not. already thinking about moving abroad for university.

art/film - i want to write a film or be a private artist. i think if i dont put on an exhibition before i die i'll be really dissapointed. definitely want to make some sort of art. i know how to do it and i think about a lot of things all the time - i see things happening in an art sort of way so why couldn't i continue to do it outside of my head, but on paper, in illustrator, or whatever. i actually recalled a lot of memories, like childhood memories when i was a kid last night when i got high, and it gave me a really good idea for a film that actually took me out of the picture for a long time. something about my mind sort of resetting; me becoming a 2 year old mentally while my body remained it's current age. and my parents having to raise me again with me in my mentally impaired state. and just having to sit through that. jesus christ that was a horrible thought, like nightmare level. scared the shit out of me; i hope i never get brain damaged at all, i'd much rather die than have brain damage. at least my family and friends wouldn't have to see me there, but gone, i'd just be gone. fucking horrible thought. actually what made me want to start this blog; i have a lot of these types of thoughts and if i could put them into words (i love writing) i think it would really help me.,

i had a lot more but i think i've forgotten them since i went to sleep. and i think im wasting my time again. i've been writing this for about 15 minutes and i have 3 essays to do for tomorrow morning. and i'm finding history really hard so i'm going to take a small break.

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