Note 10

hotter than the summer, the winter couldn't chill me

Motivation. - Video I talk about.

As a person that has absolutely no chance of sleeping correctly, this type of video really makes me wonder, who is unhealthy? To break it down, Casey Neistat sleeps from 11pm to 4am every day. He gets up, and from 5-7 he works. For him, there's two hours of productivity there, free from anyone else. No one is awake, everyone is asleep. No social media, probably no news, no text messages and no phone calls. Two hours of calm focus. Then, his daughter gets up, and they eat together. She leaves for school at 7:30, and he goes for a run by 8Am.

Just to dissect this bit and put it back into what I think I want from my day, I don't see how this is at all sustainable. My sleep schedule is beyond ragged, going from 3-4Am bedtimes before my 6:45 daily wakeup for class to 10-11pm bedtimes, sometimes completely passing out at 6-7pm, so I am coming from a position where scheduling and proper timings are a foreign concept, but I fail to see how it's possible for anyone to consistently, daily even, get up and grind at that time. My focus in the early hours is appaling - I think, if I managed to get up and lay in bed for two hours after a 5AM rising I would be proud. No chance at all of getting real work done. Is there some sort of biological aspect, or is it just my complete lack of self motivation? I have things I want to get done, and in all honesty I don't find time to do them (look at the infrequent posting schedule of this blog for proof) but there's a sense that it's completely out of my grasp.

Moving on, Casey says he works from 10AM-6PM. After waking up at 4, this seems really late to me. Obviously, I'm not a parent, and I understand he probably wouldn't wake up much later (6:30, maybe?) if he slept in, but why not nap again? What makes the run so integral to his day? Is there some sort of thinking process that only activates when you're running, or is he just more concerned about his fitness than I am? (That is, of course, a rhetorical question.) Then, he goes home, 6-10 is his time with his family (which in my case would be susbstituted for a shouting match with my mother) and then he goes to the gym before clocking out at 11, ready to do it all again. Logically, to avoid the 4Am wakeup, couldn't my work be at that time? What seperates the 5-7 work to the 6-8 work, besides potential distractions?

See, when I first watched this yesterday, it all seems quite good. He's productive, evidently, and there seems to be a strong, defined and stable rhythm to what goes on day to day. Yet, the more I think about it, the time he wakes up doesn't actually matter. Going off of the video, he sleeps 5 hours a day, which on average is the same amount of hours I sleep. It's not about the sleep, like the tag line of the video says, and it's not this great battle to wake up at a certain time. It's about finding the right match for what you want to do, and organising your time accordingly. Of course, a rota helps, but the 4Am wakeup doesn't have to work for everyone, and considering that I roll out of my covers kicking and screaming at quarter to seven I doubt I could pull it off. Still, the video did help me, in a way - time management is key, and the bottom line for Casey and me is that we both need more hours cuddled next to a pillow. - Video I talk about.


that was not the post i wanted - i will posot something meaningful later thank you
feeling very introspective

my narrative grows to explain this existence
amidst the harbor lights which remain in the distance.

my struggle with videogames

I have been thinking about this a lot recently.. what is it that actually keeps dragging me back to these stupid things? I vowed a few weeks ago to completely disconnect from all videogames, I wiped Steam, I wiped Fortnite, Overwatch, Osu!, all of these things designed to always be there if I wanted to play a game, and the more I think about it, the exact same feeling I had when I had all of them on my computer has persisted.

I have nothing to do.

Even sitting here at my computer now, listening to the now vile red switches on my keyboard click with each key press, I think of how much I could be doing. Reading ahead in subjects, making art, music, and yet my mind often wanders to either YouTube, where I pack myself full of useless information about consumer technology, or back to videogames, and I think the worst part is it stems from my attitude outside of gaming as well. For hours unimaginable, even for those of my friends that played games, I plowed through the Dota 2 ranked matchmaking circuit. A genuinely impassable hive of toxic assholes and genuine morons, I spent the majority of my time playing, and spending hundreds of pounds that I realistically don't have on in-game cosmetics; probably the worst thing I have done with my money to this day, and all my shit is still acount locked now that I've wisened up about wanting to sell. So, until the 8th of October, I have a question looming over my head. Do I give in to this temptation to play videogames, and get back to nightly discord calls with my friends, half of us not even wanting to play but having nothing else to do, or do I look for a different passion? I've started this blog, and thanks to my new college I'm making more friends that want to have me out often, but I still feel really drawn to just sitting in my room, with a good bit of weed or drink and playing some games. I mean, it's impossible to go completely cold turkey, but I think if I at least restrict myself to non-competitive games, I could find a certain balance again. Maybe like Jan. I think during the summer I genuinely understood the meaning of 'grinding' something; grinding my exposed brain against a brick wall. I'd feel stupider, but in the two weeks, for example, where I waited for internet at home, I'd spend my time travelling two hours past my own house to Kacper's, and I'd often sit there completely still for hours on end, eating bread with butter and queuing Dota on his shitty laptop keyboard and almost no space to put my hands on. I didn't mind, I was so fixated on just being able to play that I never really thought about whether it was to do with me pursuing something; leaderboards on Dota, the next rank up, mastery of that new hero, or if it was just me hiding from home and other issues.

It could also completely be an age thing, a good friend of mine barely managed to quit league of legends at 18, so maybe it's a little odd for me to have completely given up around 17? Maybe I haven't yet matured into other hobbies, and it will come with time. I think this month especially, the month of October that has just started, I'm going to make a real effort to find myself some other shit to do. I think time at home, by the computer, is pretty harmful to my mental health. I enjoy it, but it doesn't make me content like it used to. Maybe the new plan is getting high and going to the many art galleries dotted around London. The central location of our apartment makes that sound like a great idea, but I don't know if I'd motivate myself to go alone. Fuck I really need to clean my monitor. Shit's grimy.

And it gets even worse, because the more I think about who I am, my extensive vocabulary, in reality a lot of it has come from late nights browsing Dota guides, or reading lore titbits in Dishonored and The Witcher. Obviously a lot of it has come from reading literature recommended by my mother, but maybe there's a sense of discovery which I could find myself reliving if I play more story oriented titles. However, the dillema there is the satisfaction in gameplay. I can't play a singleplayer game with my friends, and I can't play a game with my friends that isn't an addictive grindfest that eventually takes over my spare time, finally resulting in me playing it like a single player title. I mean in the end, me and Dota was like I was playing with bots. I barely ever spoke to my team, or anyone around me. I just focused on my game. A very strange sensation of being connected with 9 other people in the server, but also being completely alone and fixated on hitting that one creep. Or that one hero kill, that one tower, that perfect efficiency between creep camps. I have absolutely no idea what I want to do now that I've stopped playing Dota, but I definitely wish I knew how to stop it haunting my thoughts outside of the game.


i have a lot of work to do today but i dont want to write any of it out now, so i'm spending my time looking at poor quality documents on youtube. makes me wonder if being a professional researcher would be an interesting job. i got high last night and i thought about my job decisions after uni. so far i have come up with :

psychology - i want to do therapy/consulting. i feel like theres a huge place for that especially if you are a degree educated psychologist, and you move to private consulting. or even firm consulting/medical consulting. family consulting. like base salaries start at 40k, scale really high and you're really being paid to listen to people's problems. obviously that's gotta be rough on the mind sometimes but like there's no way i wouldn't want to do that. at all. i guess the only real barrier is mental health issues of my own; i don't put much value onto suicide/life so i think maybe i would need to work through that before i could be a career professional?

law - i think going from being a shrink - a lawyer would be a nice career path overall. i can definitely see myself in the future talking to clients about internal issues and convincing people within a a certain case? definitely. you also.. help people. to a degree. it's something i could probably sleep well with. i really hope my irregular sleep (some weeks too early, some weeks ridiculous hours (3/4/5AM)) would iron out if i find something to put my thoughts into.

politics - ?????? i dont know about this one. the world is insane. probably would have a lot of contacts after being both a lawyer and a therapist though - could be like a 50-60 year old cigar puffing cabinet minister. if i ever stayed in the UK - probably not. already thinking about moving abroad for university.

art/film - i want to write a film or be a private artist. i think if i dont put on an exhibition before i die i'll be really dissapointed. definitely want to make some sort of art. i know how to do it and i think about a lot of things all the time - i see things happening in an art sort of way so why couldn't i continue to do it outside of my head, but on paper, in illustrator, or whatever. i actually recalled a lot of memories, like childhood memories when i was a kid last night when i got high, and it gave me a really good idea for a film that actually took me out of the picture for a long time. something about my mind sort of resetting; me becoming a 2 year old mentally while my body remained it's current age. and my parents having to raise me again with me in my mentally impaired state. and just having to sit through that. jesus christ that was a horrible thought, like nightmare level. scared the shit out of me; i hope i never get brain damaged at all, i'd much rather die than have brain damage. at least my family and friends wouldn't have to see me there, but gone, i'd just be gone. fucking horrible thought. actually what made me want to start this blog; i have a lot of these types of thoughts and if i could put them into words (i love writing) i think it would really help me.,

i had a lot more but i think i've forgotten them since i went to sleep. and i think im wasting my time again. i've been writing this for about 15 minutes and i have 3 essays to do for tomorrow morning. and i'm finding history really hard so i'm going to take a small break.

nt 1

i dont know how to start but im probably going to collect my ramblings in here and post them as i see fit.
main themes will be world affairs, my own goals, emotions, music, film, art and relationships. i dont know where else to write about it and even though some people i speak to are very good at listening it can sometimes be more difficult than you'd think to really write without judgement. always worrying about what meaning people are actually taking from your keystrokes.
30/9/18. 16.04