I have been thinking about this a lot recently.. what is it that actually keeps dragging me back to these stupid things? I vowed a few weeks ago to completely disconnect from all videogames, I wiped Steam, I wiped Fortnite, Overwatch, Osu!, all of these things designed to always be there if I wanted to play a game, and the more I think about it, the exact same feeling I had when I had all of them on my computer has persisted.
I have nothing to do.
Even sitting here at my computer now, listening to the now vile red switches on my keyboard click with each key press, I think of how much I could be doing. Reading ahead in subjects, making art, music, and yet my mind often wanders to either YouTube, where I pack myself full of useless information about consumer technology, or back to videogames, and I think the worst part is it stems from my attitude outside of gaming as well. For hours unimaginable, even for those of my friends that played games, I plowed through the Dota 2 ranked matchmaking circuit. A genuinely impassable hive of toxic assholes and genuine morons, I spent the majority of my time playing, and spending hundreds of pounds that I realistically don't have on in-game cosmetics; probably the worst thing I have done with my money to this day, and all my shit is still acount locked now that I've wisened up about wanting to sell. So, until the 8th of October, I have a question looming over my head. Do I give in to this temptation to play videogames, and get back to nightly discord calls with my friends, half of us not even wanting to play but having nothing else to do, or do I look for a different passion? I've started this blog, and thanks to my new college I'm making more friends that want to have me out often, but I still feel really drawn to just sitting in my room, with a good bit of weed or drink and playing some games. I mean, it's impossible to go completely cold turkey, but I think if I at least restrict myself to non-competitive games, I could find a certain balance again. Maybe like Jan. I think during the summer I genuinely understood the meaning of 'grinding' something; grinding my exposed brain against a brick wall. I'd feel stupider, but in the two weeks, for example, where I waited for internet at home, I'd spend my time travelling two hours past my own house to Kacper's, and I'd often sit there completely still for hours on end, eating bread with butter and queuing Dota on his shitty laptop keyboard and almost no space to put my hands on. I didn't mind, I was so fixated on just being able to play that I never really thought about whether it was to do with me pursuing something; leaderboards on Dota, the next rank up, mastery of that new hero, or if it was just me hiding from home and other issues.
It could also completely be an age thing, a good friend of mine barely managed to quit league of legends at 18, so maybe it's a little odd for me to have completely given up around 17? Maybe I haven't yet matured into other hobbies, and it will come with time. I think this month especially, the month of October that has just started, I'm going to make a real effort to find myself some other shit to do. I think time at home, by the computer, is pretty harmful to my mental health. I enjoy it, but it doesn't make me content like it used to. Maybe the new plan is getting high and going to the many art galleries dotted around London. The central location of our apartment makes that sound like a great idea, but I don't know if I'd motivate myself to go alone. Fuck I really need to clean my monitor. Shit's grimy.
And it gets even worse, because the more I think about who I am, my extensive vocabulary, in reality a lot of it has come from late nights browsing Dota guides, or reading lore titbits in Dishonored and The Witcher. Obviously a lot of it has come from reading literature recommended by my mother, but maybe there's a sense of discovery which I could find myself reliving if I play more story oriented titles. However, the dillema there is the satisfaction in gameplay. I can't play a singleplayer game with my friends, and I can't play a game with my friends that isn't an addictive grindfest that eventually takes over my spare time, finally resulting in me playing it like a single player title. I mean in the end, me and Dota was like I was playing with bots. I barely ever spoke to my team, or anyone around me. I just focused on my game. A very strange sensation of being connected with 9 other people in the server, but also being completely alone and fixated on hitting that one creep. Or that one hero kill, that one tower, that perfect efficiency between creep camps. I have absolutely no idea what I want to do now that I've stopped playing Dota, but I definitely wish I knew how to stop it haunting my thoughts outside of the game.