I woke up around 7:30 even though I set my alarm for later since I'm working remotely and start at 9, probably out of habit. I figured I'd start my morning early instead of trying to get a bit more sleep though.

The day has been very uneventful so far. I messaged Sam to let him know that I finished with training and he told me that he can get me caught up on things to do when I come into the office tomorrow. I told him I'd try to stay busy and he responded saying that he can talk with me for a bit when he has time, but It's the afternoon and I still haven't gotten that ping. I should probably follow up with him about it, but I'm very tempted to let it slide for today and hang out until tomorrow.

So far Gigi asked me if I want to get Dunkin Donuts together since she has a coupon, but we decided against it since I could get a ping at any moment and the store is a bit out of the way. We also realized that Dunkin just isn't very good, but Gigi ultimately decided against it because she's still feeling under the weather. It seems like I got lucky after Freaky Deaky since a lot of our group is dealing with a bug now.

I spent way too long looking into little tricks and cool applications to use for macs this morning. I also tried using my wireless peripherals while plugging the laptop into the new monitor, but I couldn't get it all to work together. I also had enough time to dig through a lot of Osu beatmaps to add to my library. Emily also contacted me to ask about bootcamps, which was a surprise since she told me he's in graduate school for animation, but I suppose she could just be exploring her options. This is not what I imagined working life to be like, but I suppose first days are slow.

The day ended with a fizzle when I checked that my team members were all away for a little while. Jinn said she can't come to volleyball tonight and I noticed my sinuses starting to get a bit dry, which may be the sign of coming sickness. All that and my recovering fingers have motivated me to stay home tonight, lift weights, and try to stay busy. I tried having a bit of fun with Osu, but my brain kept getting taken over by thoughts over recent events (this time it was Samir) when I try to keep it empty to play freely.

Just now Samantha messaged me that she found another place to stay for Slander and not to worry about her. I'm not sure if I should be relieved that she found a solution, but I immediately collapsed on my bed (despite telling myself not to fall back into the habit ) and couldn't use my brain. I laid there trying to feel comfortable and not think, telling myself that I was scared to and eventually making a pillow with my hands to nap for a bit. I guess I panicked and used sleep as a defense mechanism.

I woke up ~30 minutes after Sammy initially messaged me and asked Gigi what to do, but then I realized I need to be upfront with Sammy about not being able to be together with her. Gigi told me that Sammy was losing her mind waiting for my response, which made me realize that Sammy's message hurt to see because it showed me how long I delayed to tell her what I already know. That was not a responsible adult choice to make and it ate away at me. Even though I knew I had to break Sammy's heart, I didn't have the courage to do my best and she was worse for it.

At that point I figured I should try calling Sammy to break the news to her and quickly drafted a few points (shown below with revisions) at Gigi's recommendation:

• I'm glad Sammy found somewhere to stay for Slander
• I don't think I'll be able to house her for LAN and I'm sorry for going back on my promises
• I don't think I can be together with Sammy and I'm sorry for giving her expectations only to tear them down

She liked what I had, and luckily Adrian was also free to approve the points. Sammy said she was out of the house and unable to call, but would have time later tonight or tomorrow. Soon after though she said that she didn't think she could do another phone call, specifically because it would hurt, and asked me to send my message over text. This turned my brain into mush, but the work was cut out for me. What I sent was more apologetic than the original notes, but I figured I should do it my way.

Her response was short, and she ended with "thank you" and "goodbye", which made me feel like the mud we had to tread through at Freaky Deaky. Actually now I feel like Ralph when he destroyed Vanellope's car, clutching the hero medal and feeling like garbage. Maybe Denji said it best:

"My heart ... feels like it's at the bottom of a toilet clogged with crap."

I know I'm doing badly when I slouch so much that my face is parallel to the table I'm sitting at. It was like that soon after Jasmine rejected me, when I was in LA and realized Jinn was avoiding me, and now after having to turn Sammy down. Despite all that I guess I still have to go to the gym. Speaking of which I noticed I've typically had something love related (mostly negative) on the mind while working out since these girls entered my life. It was a rollercoaster week by week with Jasmine (with some "I feel like I can lift the world" moments mixed in though), a fast decline with Jinn since I didn't have time to work out when I hung out with her a lot, and now more pain from the Sammy situation.

I also had the perfect soundtrack to go with the events here. I finished typing the message to Cesar's death music from JoJo part 2 and "Love is Gone" came up next. Since Freaky ended and I realized how messy the Sammy situation was I've kept the "why do I even still like her playlist" on loop, but it's looking like I'll keep it going for longer.

I'm at the gym and the pain is kind of nice. It makes me forget the other pain. I also randomly remembered how I used to have to deal with the bracelet I made with Jinn while working out, but ever since taking it off that burden is literally gone like how Jinn is from my mind. That realization gave me hope that I can get through this all, but hopefully I don't keep replacing my trouble with more trouble.

I can hear "Thank you. Goodbye" echoing in my head and it kills me. I can see the tears running down Sammy's face as she chokes those words out. Even if I have to do something difficult to them, I need to do my best to treat everyone well.