Stuck in the Middle | Mo 11/28

I talked with Gigi last night about the situation the past several days and she thinks I may want to experiment with flirting with people, but I don't know where or how to start. I feel like my biology telling me to pursue baddies is at odds with my value to respect others. It feels like a very blurry line and part of me feels uncomfortable getting near it even though another part of me wants to badly. I guess I'm both a dog and a cinnamon roll.

Woke up after less than 3 hours of sleep. After stand-up I did a few little tasks and tried to nap, but couldn't fall asleep. As ridiculous as it is to admit, I had several images burned into my brain:

• looking at the girl from NGHTMRE nearly at even eye level
• the volleyball girl from yesterday walking to me with my ball in hand
• the various passes and blocks I got yesterday at volleyball

I'll probably try napping throughout the morning to keep from losing my mind.

I napped for a few hours and felt much better, but I never got much done. For the most part I've been chilling and not working or even doing errands. My poor laundry has been sitting unfolded for over a week now. If it had eyes then I don't think I could look at them directly out of shame.

The past few days I've felt my body aching. I think a few episodes of sitting on the toilet for too long and heavy good mornings a few weeks ago have my lumbar a bit stiff and in some pain. I also felt my left shoulder hurting while playing yesterday, very likely from swinging so much. My knees were feeling puffy and achy then too. John asked me if I wanted to play tonight, but I've been overdue on lifting weights since I took last week off accidentally. I tried to do the responsible thing and say no, but it didn't feel good to do.

After that I napped more and watched volleyball videos. I can feel some of the lessons sinking in deeper and hitting differently after playing more and watching multiple times, especially ones about digging fast serves/spikes, leaning forward while approaching to hit, and changing the shoulder angle to open to the court when on left/right/middle.

Around then I opened up Haikyuu to reread the dig scene against Inarizaki, realized I was rereading the series, and continued it. After a few chapters Albert called me to ask me to play, which funny enough is with the same group as John. Me earlier in the day would've said no again, but I was fiending to play, Albert said they need 1 more person, and that they're trying to run 5-1, so the decision was already made. I feel dirty, like I just responded to a booty call or something. I guess I'm down bad for the game.

I was also supposed to call Rachel since she messaged me about my Instagram and I wanted to ask her about the girl situation, but she was okay with pushing it to after volleyball. Hopefully it'll be a fun and helpful conversation.

Volleyball was a ton of fun even though I felt my knees aching on the drive over. They had me play the single middle with a libero and it was one of those days when I felt like things clicked. I was still late to like every set, but my setters gave me chances to hit and I got some decent blocks. Josiah was constructive with advice and I felt like I improved over the night. In total I learned about:

• The transition into hitting when my team is receiving the serve, especially going around my setter
• Timing blocks to be at my peak when the hitter contacts the ball
• Jumping to play the net in case the ball barely goes over or the opponents try to hit/tip it last second
• Staying out of the way of my passers and setter
• Transitioning between blocking and approaching to hit when my team receives the ball
• Jumping vertically instead of drifting while I'm the air to block
• Approaching fast enough to hit a 1, even though I never got there in time

Thinking on it, maybe I felt good about today because I didn't have the chance to botch passes or serves. I feel like half of an outside hitter, but it's still a ton of fun. Even if my muscles and physique suffer, I'm still having fun playing over lifting weights. John even said he'd pay for my portion of the court rental, which was very kind.

Even though I felt like I got a ton of practice, I started checking my phone at the end to make sure that I wouldn't miss my call with Rachel. She was a bit late with something last second, which was perfect since we were going over time, and made me realize that I didn't update her on the business since I called her about Jinn.

I ended up giving a quick synopsis on that situation, the Samantha situation and Freaky, Slander and Samantha there, and recent events with volleyball girls and the 6'1" girl at NGHTMRE. Rachel emphasized that she thinks I should use a dating app to have some fun meeting people and learn my preferences. She thinks that otherwise I'll likey have more awkward situations with friends, which I completely understand after seeing this pattern.

Rachel also told me to figure out what I want and intentionally look for it. She said that Samantha and the NGHTMRE girl may have shown that I have physical desires, which I can't deny. In the end I didn't have any objections to the dating app thing, at least to try it out, but my reflectance made me realize that I may be afraid for some reason.

I guess I'm not sure what I want. A relationship certainly is the endgame, but I have to admit, something casual for the short term seems fun. The big thing Rachel told me to look out for is my expectations and feelings, which she suggested I assess after every date to both make sure I'm not falling too quickly for my own good and adjust my interactions in response to. She also wants me to think and act for myself rather than taking friend's advice, which I'm ironically trying to do at her advice.

I told Rachel I'd try the dating app out and that I'll try to find a therapist at the same time, so I guess I have my time outside of work cut out for me. I downloaded Hinge so I guess it's really happening.