Negative Rizz 💀💀 | Su 11/27

woke up at 4:30 PM since my phone died in my sleep

• tried journaling in bed before sleeping and it failed again

woke up to msg from emily iniviting me to vball in plano

• ate and eventually left

vball was a good time

• first team was with emily and some high schoolers who were nice and the setter even complimented my hits
• wanted to play with Albert and Devin, but we split to find teams separately and never got to have all 4 on a team
• we waited for a court, but some others asked for another middle so I played with them
  • the first game was a lot of fun and they're funny and friendly
  • the others got cut in line so we never got the full squad game
• some more games with people of varying skill levels and i was getting tired
• eventually played with the same group again and I made all the "i'm not the best at passing" stuff true

on the way out i got my ball back from a girl playing in the court next to me

• she was chatty (and looking good) and i joked around with her a bit, but didn't follow up or anything even to be friendly (get her name and say it was nice meeting)
• i am kicking myself in retrospect for not even having tried anything despite the clear internal desire to continue talking
• maybe i need to clear my head since girls seem to be on the mind a lot, and it is volleyball instead of a rave, but my inner ape is telling me to make friends and and pursue baddies
  • it may be the cultimation of the Fri vball and NGHTMRE incidents tellling me to go for it
  • it's kind of like losing several points to campfires/seams getting you to go for more balls, maybe even too many

afterwards ate at velvet taco and chatted

• they want to keep playing to improve and eventually join diva
• they also want to make a group to play in light of the friday group disbanding

these girls are getting me to rotate through the 5 stages of grief

• it's probably normal to be attracted, but i dont get why i dont feel the need to try making moves (if getting an insta or even just a name qualify)
• this confusion at my actions and the subsequent frustration are also understandable
• my level of concern with these fumbled bags does make me wonder if im just a dog though

the blurred line between what i see these girls as (and the settings) are also making things confusing

• the first regret was not being friendly with someone at vball
• the second regret was not being flirty with someone at a rave
• the third regret was not being friendly with someone at vball
• i guess its hard to judge since they were all admittedly attractive
• there may also be some leeway for flirtiness even in something like vball
• insta is also somewhere in all of these regrets but i dont think it factors in