They Said I Could Do Anything, So I Did Nothing | We 11/30

I woke up very refreshed only to realize that it was 10:30 and I got 4 more hours of sleep than I intended. I guess the wear and tear of playing volleyball often and sleeping late caught up with me. I missed stand-up and the KT session, but thankfully the sprint just started so I wasn't missed and Nicole had to reschedule the KT meeting. I decided against going into the office since it'd only be for 4-5 hours, which again I hope doesn't come back to bite me. Maybe I'll come in on Friday since the schedule is kind of idiot proof to miss. Time in office is all compulsory rather than necessary for productivity anyways. I also decided to download Outlook so I have access to the work calendar, which felt good to figure out.

Other than that I spent the day reading Haikyuu, playing Left 4 Dead, and watching volleyball videos. I should make to do lists to knock out little tasks. It's too easy letting time slip when I don't have any plans, and I have plenty I should get done. It's probably better to be focused working and doing tasks, then fully relax in my off-time. It sounds like the hedonic treadmill has me used to slacking.

Volleyball was nice this evening. The drive was a bit hectic since Caiti was going through a lot by the time she had to pick me up, but I'm thankful she still wanted to carpool. She and Gigi also spent the drive asking me what I thought about taking Phillip's place organizing the Friday group, which I'm not especially hot on after leading in Adele's place one Wednesday. I was surprised how easy they found dealing with making people pay since that seemed to be main reason for Philip's retirement, but it also seemed like they were used to that kind of thing from work with student organizations during college.

There were ~30 people playing, but we only had one court for the first hour, so it felt like a Friday. Thankfully everyone seemed to be in a good mood and the games were fun. I felt like I kept a good attitude when making mistakes and encouraging my teammates, but I was surprised at a few of my serve receives and cover through the night.

While eating my dinner I also got to chat with Tiffany, who I didn't know went to Centennial high school and is a year younger than me. The experience made me realize how much fun it is getting to know people and enjoying the sport with them, which I also noticed I've basically done with everyone who came tonight. It felt like one of those non-canon manga pages in between chapters where many characters are gathered in plain clothes having a barbecue or chilling at the beach and you get to see everyone interacting candidly.

Earlier today Samantha asked to confirm that I can't house her and Daniela for LAN, which Gigi told me to insist on. Apparently Samantha asked Gigi the same thing and told Gigi how she's trying to ask me again, which made me feel bad at how much Gigi had to get tangled up in the situation. Gigi seems to want me to fight my own battle, so maybe I should stop asking her about it.

Just now she asked me to help her find someone to house them. I suppose it is on me to do that since I promised to do it before, but I'm kicking past me for allowing this to happen. I guess he couldn't have known what would happen since making that promise though.

Annie also messaged me after I asked her for help in choosing Hinge profile pictures saying that it's ironic how I keep saying I want to take a break from girls but am now actively looking for a relationship. I feel like the situations involving girls mostly happened to me rather than out of my choice, and it seems like the way to avoid them is swearing off seeing girls I'm friends with as anything more than that and never having any expectations. Now that I think about it, that feels similar to how I've always treated girls: be nice to them but never pull anything and turn off the part of my brain related to relationships, which prevents risks from having to be taken or decisions from having to be made. It's essentially idiot-proof and avoids any bad situations.

Annie also asked me if I'm just lonely instead of specifically interested in dating, which I don't think is the case after giving it some thought. I don't think I'm lacking in opportunities to hang out with people, and it seems like some of the things I'm interested in are particular to relationships, but her question did have me asking if a relationship is really necessary. Few things in life are truly necessary though, so maybe that isn't helpful to ask that.

Honestly I feel like by going through with this Hinge thing I'm simply taking the advice of friends who agree with each other and I believe understand me well. That doesn't qualify as thinking for myself like what Ben and Rachel have advised, but asking myself what I want to do hasn't led to much of a solution. The only thing I feel sure in is that I want to seek therapy, but even then I think I see that as a place with someone else to listen to who just happens to be a professional advice giver.

I guess I'm letting other people tell me how to live my life since I'm not sure how. Now that I look back on it, my biggest concern for the last few years was finding a job since some kind of income is necessary to participate in society, but now that I've covered that tier of the Hierarchy of Needs I need to ask myself questions with less clear-cut answers.

I suppose while in quarantine I focused myself on lifting and losing weight for the sake of my appearance. It's nice being dedicated to goals and progress, and those were nice ones to set for myself. I don't care for them as much nowadays, but I wonder what else I could have the itch for, other than improving at volleyball. At one point it was my wardrobe, but that sort of fell out of favor too. Maybe the answer to this question isn't something I should think about, but feel instead.

I guess things like taking care of myself with diet and exercise are still givens, but the rest of my time, money, and effort is all mine to delegate and that's intimidating to realize. When I ask myself what I want out of life, all I can think of is to play volleyball, talk with friends, improve on my character and appearance, and I guess hold somebody like I did Samantha since that honestly felt amazing. Other than that, all I can say which would also be nice is to have novel life experiences.

Now that I started thinking about it though, it may also be helpful to ask what I want to avoid, which makes things trickier. I guess I can't avoid things like pain or disappointment, but I may be able to limit them with my decisions. I already mentioned how I used to do that with relationships by turning off part of my brain, which after feeling related pain doesn't seem like a terrible trade-off, but I think that may not be the best long-term solution.

Now that I think about it, this conundrum reminds me of a Chainsaw Man analysis video about being a town mouse or country mouse. It found that being the town mouse doesn't always require risk and suffering, and that it's important to continue pushing for more things you want and setting progressively higher goals. Maybe I'll give that video a rewatch later. It's getting late and I feel like I'm rambling into the journal.