Adulthood | Th 12/8

I woke up very tired despite getting okay sleep, but I wasn't surprised. I guess my body is working to play volleyball as often as it does. Sleeping on the couch is pretty tempting since I don't have to keep making the bed and it may help with my ankle and knee health, but somehow that sound ridiculous to write.

My first meeting was large so I was able to get ready and eat while it happened. Traffic was nothing crazy either, but I actually felt something in my heart during the drive. I swear this commute is actually taking time off of my life.

The rest of the workday wasn't anything special either. The team wants me to share how much vacation and sick time I plan on rolling over into next year, which reminded me that I was thinking about visiting Adrian in LA when Annie's also in town. I'm sure both of them were busy since neither of them was able to let me know definite times that they plan on being in town, but it may be too late to buy plane tickets for like next week.

Yumei also kind of got on my case about not responding to her yesterday. Thankfully no one has been pushing me to say why I wasn't available so I don't have to try concocting a lie or incriminating myself. The situation has only led to a few comments, so I'm hoping it doesn't blow up any more than that.

Today most of us were first told that Chitra is going to leave the team and Yumei said that we should divert time and resources from her in response. It was blunt and made sense, but those words felt harsh and now I'm kind of scared of Yumei.

On my way to lunch Jasmine called my name from behind and said hello at the turnstiles, which was a surprise. I would've expected her to avoid me, which I feel like she could've, so I guess she's cool with me. That makes the realization that we basically stopped being friends after my confession hurt more though.

Rachel previously mentioned it, but I think it'd hurt to feel like someone only wanted to be your friend because they wanted to date you. This may be how Jasmine feels, and I don't think it was the case, but the fact that I've sort of moved on from her even as a friend may suggest otherwise. It's weird to say that I'm not sure how I felt. I guess I spent so long crushing on her and didn't even spend as long being only friends. Those days feel like a lifetime ago and it just seems strange to go back to it, even though it seems like the door is open after the interaction today.

Nonso scheduled a call for right before our team dinner, so most of us were annoyed with him, especially when he brought up more topics and pushed it longer. Thankfully he relented eventually and we made for the restaurant, which was surprisingly just down the road from work. Being in the area is so strange. It's so close to Stonebriar mall and the LA Fitness I went to while living with mom, so I had a lot of strange memories pop up while driving around there. It's weird imagining an alternate me who never moved out of mom's, may never have made friends, and still works out all the time.

The dinner itself was alright. I got to hear yet more crazy things about Gonzalo: he wears colored contacts with a very old prescription, is nearly legally blind, and spent a year in college with the same pair in his eyes constantly. It was strange hearing the team talk outside of a professional setting, especially with a drink or two in them. They brought up Kanye, the metaverse, and VR, but the whole time it felt like talking with family during the holidays. Sam especially was surprising to hear swearing and calling his son a fatass since he's usually collected. They just love to share their strong opinions speak matter-of-factly, which I realized I didn't enjoy much when I found myself not wanting to ask questions anymore.

It's probably due to age, but the team was also noticeably quick to spend money and stingy with their time. I feel like I've learned about something that everyone splurges on (designer clothes, games and VR, Jojo posters and couches, tons of stuff off of Amazon) and it was strange not being able to relate at all. I felt the difference in mindset when I kept bringing up Sam's joke that the whole dinner was being paid for by Jaime Dimon, citing it as reason to eat nicer than usual. In the end I also joked that I'm still at the age when I buy desserts over drinks, since unlike me most everyone else had something to drink but no dessert.

Another difference I noticed was how everyone seems to address each other. I noticed Gonzalo likes to answer with "yes sir/ma'am" if he gets a yes or no question, which made me feel awkward when I said "sure" in response to his suggestion that I join his Zoom for something. I hope I don't get Japan'd for not addressing my superiors properly. It's also strange to write, but I've gotten comments that I speak professionally from friends, yet somehow I'm getting the impression that I'm too casual with people at work. I guess that's the worst of both worlds.

At the tail end of dinner I got to chatting with Davee, an ETSE who joined Stargate last October, and NIcole, who both made for much easier conversation than the other end of the table. Even though Davee is a young parent and Nicole is a few years older than me, I could feel the generational gap between the halves of the table in the level of tension I had while talking. Maybe it was just the subject matter, but I felt like I didn't have to reach to keep the conversation going anymore.

We decided to call it at 5:30, and traffic was not only awful like I predicted, but the worst I'd ever seen. Google maps didn't have connection to the internet for a moment so it told me that my drive home was 21 minutes at first, but after a refresh it was 1 hour 8 minutes, which hurt to witness. Thankfully I had my grocery list and my typical stops were nearby, so I got to take my time stocking up.

Other than a scare when the girl behind me didn't stop her car while pumping gas, the grocery experience was standard. While inside of Costco it clicked that I was spending a lot of time with work and errands lately and haven't had a 1:1 with anyone in a while. This was sad to see, as if I was fully engrossed with being a busy and stressed adult to forget what life used to be like. I guess I make time for volleyball and have plans with friends sometimes, but I still feel like most of my time is work and errands. I'm looking this double-overdue pile of unfolded laundry as I type this and I'm not even sure how much time I have for Hinge dates.

Even after my first few stops traffic was still bad, so I took my time in Walmart getting some uncommon items. The hilarious image of me coming back into the office at 7 PM just to do some errands at the computer also popped up in my head for a minute. Thankfully when I finished the traffic died down, but it started to rain heavily in waves on my way back. There was some traffic then, but nothing I wasn't used to, which is dreadful to write down now that I think about it.

The worst part about today was my workout. I had the plan to unload the car and hit the gym right after since I already had dinner, but the combination of tiredness and fullness from dinner got me to lie down on in my workout clothes to wait for a bit. This turned into me listening to a recent episode of Stronger by Science wherein the hosts share exercises they like to do to hit the main muscle groups, which I wanted to incorporate since I've felt like my workouts have been stale for a while.

Little did I know that I would knock out for a few hours and wake up disappointed in myself. This is the kind of story I've heard from friends and now I can relate with it all too well. This whole day has felt like a grim reminder of what I left and what's to come as an adult: being tired, dealing with traffic, work worries, being haunted by the past, feeling a lack of connection with others, not having time, always having errands, and not being able to even do those errands.