Carpe Diem | Su 1/8

I slept through my alarm again, which was a surprise. I set my alarm to be a random song from a Spotify playlist, so it may have been because the song was quiet, along with me being exhausted. Even though I had big plans (shave, shampoo, eyebrows, finish cleaning, catch up on work) I didn't do anything.

I just went on YouTube, eventually got myself to cook, and napped for several hours. This is no way to live. The worst part is I went back onto YouTube at night anyways. I have to admit it's kind of fun in the moment, doing things like looking into shoes for volleyball or free things to do in New York City, but I feel regret when I snap out of it and see time passed. Maybe I have adult ADHD or something.

I'm typing this at 2 AM and the hedonic treadmill video is echoing in my head. I need to maintain the mindset of productivity even if it's just for cleaning my shoes. It's too easy to let time pass me by without being intentional. I think even rest should be intentional, done in good conscience, and not in a rush.

Also yesterday I remembered how the volleyball friends from Friday said they would be going on a cruise together. They also mentioned how Kimberly is going with them. I also remember chatting about cruises with Kimberly and Albert months ago outside of Cane's that night when we stayed up until 7 AM.

It sort of hurts to remember that and hear about their group chat which I'm not in, but I guess that's life. I saw some sides of them I didn't love so maybe it's a good thing for me to keep some distance, but I may just be coping since that mindset may just keep me from making any friends. It's no big deal. I still get expectations, but I suppose I'm used to have them be broken now.

It's 4 AM now. I just kept watching volleyball videos and listening to music while googling things. I have to get out of here and try to be productive tomorrow.