Deep in Thought | Mo 1/9

I woke up at 8 for stand-up only to see that they rescheduled it to 10 again. I should've slept, but I planned on sending the modeling agency email and also got distracted watching Tijana Boscovic's arm swing.

I also checked LinkedIn because I got an email that Kai messaged me. It was surprising to hear that she took a hospital job to pay the bills after the bootcamp, especially when it seemed like she was my hardest working classmate, but I guess she may not have had the financial runway to keep looking for a software job. That message served as a reality check for how lucky I am not to worry about finances. It's kind of like playing volleyball as a tall person, easy mode.

Speaking of which, I noticed that the agency doesn't seem to want models taller than 6'3". I can't believe I'm lying about my height, especially lowering it, but I guess modeling and volleyball have different preferences in height even if they prefer tall people.

Stand-up wasn't bad, mostly because the team got caught up in some problem instead of asking me specifics about what I'm doing. Afterwards I checked my mail and saw the credit card replacement and ordered the new basketball shoes. I'm so much more productive than yesterday and it's not even lunchtime. I also remembered how I need to dry clean my peacoat and checked the condo website. I remembered correctly that they have some partnership and discount with a local dry-cleaner so I may put in an order soon.

Also while lying around doing nothing yesterday it occurred to me that by not paying rent I save at least the cost of rent every month. This sounds obvious as I type it, but it translates to $1000+ each month, which is sizeable. I've actually had a hard time thinking of what to do with that money. Maybe I can actually afford some of the luxury brands I've been trying on in the mall.

Lately I've been thinking about how to increase my happiness with my money though, which has led to some interesting points. I doubt owning many more things (luxury clothes, the newest phone or computer parts, even shoes for volleyball) will do much for my happiness, but things like therapy and not worrying about discounts may actually lead to improved well-being. I suppose a new phone would be nice though since mine has gotten kind of laggy.

I napped until about 2 PM and mostly hung out looking into the viability of iOS jailbreaking nowadays. I don't think I did anything productive, other than eat, until 5 when my overdue spa day finally happened and I managed to groom myself into a recognizable human being. It's too bad that I took my sweet time then, although I did cook dinner and pack for the night, since I ended up late for volleyball.

Volleyball was good, and I played pretty well at least until the end. I had some actually solid serve receive, and even a dig, some decent blocks, serves, and hits. The friends were very encouraging and noted that I improved, but I just chalked it up to a good day (and with good sleep thanks to that nap). I jammed my fingers a few times (once on a late block, another on an outside set) though and by the end I was passing worse and in my own head. I also felt my shoulder in a little bit of pain and realized that I wasn't focusing on twisting my trunk to swing while tired, which was a sobering reminder.

Afterwards I went straight to mom's house and the drive was awful even though it wasn't busy. I realized that in America we pay a lot (car payments, insurance, gas) because we have to in order to cover the giant spaces between places we actually want to go to. We deal with idiots on the road and badly engineered roads/lights which make us more stressed and suck even more time away than driving itself. One solution to spending less time is spending more money on tolls, which is ridiculous. I didn't take any tonight, but mom lives close to work so it was surprising realizing how far I usually drive just to get there.

On the way I thought up the parallels between driving a car and owning a dog to underscore how strange it is: maybe some people like it, but it's weird to be forced into and not everyone wants to or can afford to. We also tie a lot of status into it (which one we own or can afford) and it's a strange part of culture that is deeply ingrained into America (individualism, personal property and freedom), but probably not for the better.

Even entering the suburbs broke me. I noticed how there isn't anything open late and basically all of the businesses I passed were chains, which explains how people like mom actually choose to eat at Olive Garden since it may be a more comfortable and familiar choice than a small business. This made me realize how growing up in the suburbs sucks and sucked for me: always having to go to someone else's house, get driven or find a ride, and eventually settling on a hobby that doesn't require in-person interaction.

I don't even think the drive was especially bad, but it was long enough to make me see the suburbs in a new light and contextualize all of the urbanist YouTube videos I've been watching for the past few years. The American dream of a quiet suburban family life sounds especially boring and expensive to me now. I guess I'm kind of living it already, but I wonder what the bustling city life in a place like New York would be like. Having to use an elementary school's gym to play open court volleyball and taking the subway with my bag to get there. Using a wagon to get groceries and living in a broom closet, but having shops and businesses literally around the corner.

Arriving at mom's house was a surprising blessing. She had a lot of food on deck and was patient even when I wanted to eat another dinner and ice my hands after volleyball. Since then I showered and relived early quarantine: just as quiet, alone, and boring as before. It's definitely not going to be fun, but I can see myself driving up at night to make the morning commute more bearable.