X Chromosomes on my Mind | Tu 1/10

The morning was quiet, but to be safe I took stand-up from home and drove in after. At the gate, the person in front of me didn't seem to have their badge and clogged the entrance. I'm glad I wasn't in a hurry, but the New Yorker in me was so annoyed with them.

Maybe I'm hyper-sensitive to it, but while getting my lunch I had a mini stare-down with some girl walking by like it was the club or something. She smiled a bit, then I did, then I didn't know what to do so I nervously kept walking past. Maybe I just thought it "was something" because I thought she was good looking and it was actually just an awkward moment.

Now that I think about it, a strange scenario last night at volleyball also may have happened, but I'm also not sure. I was warming up and about to take a ball to the back wall when a girl playing on a different court passed right in front of me. She didn't seem distracted or in a rush, came unnecessarily close to me, out of her way since we were a few courts further from the entrance than the one she was playing on, and I think it may have been some attempt to get my attention. Again I could be reading too much into it, but I had to double take in disbelief like she was an annoying driver on the road and it seemed like she did it on purpose.

These scenarios also remind me of the girl who tried hard to make eye contact with me in the gym back when I lived with mom and only worked out. It's funny to remember how hard I tried not to look back at her when she was basically burning a hole into me with her eyes from across the gym whenever I went.

Thinking about these situations makes me uneasy. It's kind of fun doing the little song and dance with girls even though I have no idea what I'm doing, but I feel like I'm just a slave to my biology. It's like feeling the need to have children when the urge may just be thousands of years of instinct speaking from deep within, and isn't especially relevant in the present day.

Unrelated, but I realized that my image of the average Costco shopper is in line with the sad image of the suburbs that I had yesterday on the drive to mom's house. These people have money and things (luxury cars, ON running shoes, airpods), but it seems like their lives are devoid of people and experiences. They just live in their mansions in the middle of nowhere only able to go to chain stores, which still require 20+ minutes of driving to access, and mostly sit at home or in traffic. It just seems like a dreadful way to live.

My diatribe against the suburbs last night also made me realize that I have a scary amount of freedom in my life. I can't exactly become anything I want, but I have a lot of choice as to what environment I'm in and that makes me wonder if I can and should "optimize" life at all to live the way I want.

I also saw some pictures of me with black hair and it no longer looks natural or especially flattering to me, despite being what I was used to. I don't know which color would be better than black, but it's something to consider.

I must've slept well or had a lot on my mind to type that wall of text at work before lunch. Speaking of which, I met with Randy from job training over lunch and it was nice catching up. We shared about our holidays, what we're up to (including me being kicked from the badminton group chat and his distancing from them), and work. He agrees that driving, especially as far as I do, is not fun and thinks it's reasonable to look for another job after a year here. He also expressed interest in volleyball, which was great to hear, but I had to disappoint him by sharing about DIVA and how I won't be at Fridays.

I eventually slogged through some menial tasks, sat through some meetings I didn't have to do much for, and drove home with relatively little trouble. That in mind, the drive was still not fun at all. I caught myself excited saying "it's only kind of bad today", which I realized means I'm down bad. This is a dreadful way to live and I don't want to get used to commuting like that.

At home I changed into more comfortable clothes and excitedly put some recent uploads from my YouTube subscriptions on, but I fell asleep on the couch watching them. I was probably out for 1-2 hours and woke up to Gigi asking to go on a Costco run together. The sun being down probably contributed to the time travel/cryosleep disorientation while waking up, which is an oddly nostalgic feeling even though it isn't a good one. While I napped Alex also messaged trying to meet up sometime, which was a nice surprise.

It was great getting to chat with Gigi while running up and down the aisles, and of course we had to get some goodies from the food court beforehand. The strawberry sundae is something special, but then again everything they sell is something special. I impulse purchased some snacks, but overall the visit was much more fun than regrettable, which is always a good thing. We did stay past closing though, which was an odd feeling with the empty aisles and dim lights. Afterwards Gigi wasn't feeling well enough to work out, but we're hoping that she'll be back in typical form by the time we go to Kai Wachi on Friday.

I took a while to shower and pack for mom's, but eventually drove over and had the idea to listen to a podcast to entertain myself for the trip. It was pretty nice listening to lifting content like I used to work out to, but road noise on the highway made it too hard to listen closely without turning the volume way up, which was a shame. I suppose the drive tonight wasn't bad, but it felt like a wait in line that isn't bad and I can't help but lament how I have to do it at all. At mom's she prepared food for my lunch, which was nice, but her portion sizes were large. I'm hoping tomorrow is a nice easy day, but I'm sleeping later than I'd like so no promises.