The Storm | Su 1/15

I think I'm doing pretty badly now. I fell asleep last night binging Jon Bois videos and the cheddar ruffles, but woke up at a very normal 9 AM. While lying in bed I found a "funny rave" by a YouTube channel I've been subscribed to for a long time, Xarlable. I was used to the trademark memes mixed with music, but it was weird recognizing EDM that I've heard at raves now (Ray Volpe, Knock2, ISOxo, G Jones). I listened to that set and looked up a lot of the songs used for a while, which threw the productivity plans out the window.

Then I planned on mapping out everything I wanted to get done, only to lie on the couch, which is my sworn nemesis now that I think about it, only to read Haikyuu for a bit before dozing off. I'm thinking I'm not doing well mentally because I "let the sleep happen" as if I'd rather knock out than be awake.

I had some ridiculous dreams that were a lot of fun, but I'm worried that I'm in "I'd rather dream than live in reality" mode, which is definitely not a good sign. I dreamed about living in dorms of a school and going to class very close by. I was making friends, but the weird part is how the students, me included, knowingly ate some snacks laced with drugs or something. I thought about how unsanitary it was for the several students around which I was sharing a container of snacks with to use our hands to pick up some of these chocolates and stuff, and in typical form I even offered hand sanitizer to them right after we ate them. I didn't dream long enough to remember what happened when the stuff hit, but I do remember visiting the bathroom and it being decorated very differently from the last time I went (a lot of colorful Spanish tiles even making up the toilet).

I don't remember if it was today or last night during my similar conk-out, but I remember dreaming about some sort of futuristic bug/robot species that was fighting against humans and how there was some rare ability we saw for the bugs to transform into humans. The whole thing felt like a AAA video game cutscene.

I also dreamed about being in some large dark auditorium or theater with a big crowd of people, which just sounds like a rave now that I think about it. I was in a dance circle with people who were dressed up crazy, but I remember the girl next to me falling down because she was on roller skates and she brought the girl next to her down too since they were holding hands. I helped them up and they said they were okay, but I can't remember anything after.

I should fight to be productive. Maybe habits for good mental health like exercise should be higher priorities too. On God I will do stuff today and properly relax on the holiday tomorrow. Also hopefully I can play volleyball tomorrow and shake off the rust before the DIVA clinic.

I'm also wondering why I'm feeling like this nowadays. I was curious if rolling for LAN, even just the half cap I got, has been keeping my serotonin low, but I'm not sure it should be staying this low after a few weeks. Speaking of which, it's halfway through January and I still feel like I'm overdue on things I meant to finish last year like reread my journal and update my photo albums.

Back to identifying the source of my mental funk, I definitely felt sad driving home after hanging out with Alex, knowingly going home to be alone on a Saturday night. I guess I usually stay inside all day Saturdays, but the drive home may have made me see the situation differently. I've been itching to play volleyball for a little while too, which I feel like has contributed. I guess work has gotten a bit more stressful since I have the expectation to actually contribute and have been going into the office the prescribed amount. Maybe this is something I should try sorting out with a professional instead of trying to figure out myself.

Earlier I figured I'd sit down to journal before making food and doing chores, but that turned into procrastinating even though I laid a bunch of pillows down to prevent myself from lying down on the couch.