Pensive Loser | Th 2/23

I woke up for an all hands meeting, which I tried to sleep through. We had no other meetings so I just chilled for the whole day and ended up napping here and there. I did get to work with Trevor again and basically got another tutoring session on computer science (hexadecimal today) before we got to look at some stream examples.

Afterwards I kept chilling though and ended up walking up around 6 to a ping from Gonzalo. I realized that he sent it around 5 and that he would see that I read it so I just responded that I was about to log off. Hopefully he doesn't try like incriminating me, but it's too late now.

Afterwards I continued to do nothing until I made dinner too late and rushed to volleyball. Playing was hard tonight: a lot of mistakes passing, judging if a ball is mine, hitting outside, and didn't even get to practice quick sets. There were some strange moments when others were laughing at me: when I jumped to block free balls, made funny noises trying to make awkward passes, and called "you" for serve receive.

Most of the time I didn't think much of it, but near the end I had to pass an out of system free ball as the 3rd touch and shanked the side pass since it only hit one of my arms. I made some noises like usual, but one of my teammates laughed and it got to me. He told me it was okay right after, but his initial reaction started to make me feel like a dancing bear.

I realized that it's so unsatisfying to make mistakes, let others down, and even surprise myself in a bad way with them. As much as I hate to admit it, playing well makes me feel good, making mistakes makes me feel bad, and I'm kind of a slave to the feeling. I guess that's what I want out of playing in DIVA long-term, improvement and satisfaction, but I also feel that hunger and sadness in the short-term when I can't seem to do anything right.

The whole situation made me realize that I can't run from the monkey and its desire to play to win and look good. I want to play because I stay active, make friends, and grow as a person by honing my skills, but that reason to play because I want to show that I'm good is always lurking underneath and it made me sad to realize. I don't want to just trash on worse players, but I felt like I couldn't even pull my weight tonight and it got me so down.

When I got in the car after volleyball I realized that I just want someone to feel a positive emotion because of me. That's what I didn't get tonight from playing, and I think that's why I help others like Gigi a lot. It was on the mind since she asked me to hang out so she could pick up some kimchi tomorrow, and I got to thinking about why I'm so willing to say yes to her.

I should be more than just necessary to others, but it's hard to trust that others truly want me around and don't feel like they should just to be nice, so I'm kind of distant and passive as a safeguard to my own ego so I never know what they think for sure. That deep trust is probably the biggest thing I want from another person and what I try to give to everyone, but at times I don't even see myself as trustworthy.

On my date with her Sara said she thinks it's cute how I'm a dork, which seems to be at least partially out of pity. I guess I'd prefer not to be pitied, but I can't deny that I'm pretty dorky so maybe I should just take what little positive image I have.

Also speaking of which, I saw Sara today when she was playing with advanced for a bit, but we didn't even say hello at first and she disappeared at the end. The whole thing made me kind of sad, but I was too concerned with being late and should've said hello first.