Down Not Out | We 2/22

I woke up to a dream that I was at some football game in a big stadium and on the way with mom, but messaging dad on the way. I guess we went late and dad was concerned he misguided us, but mom was being difficult and way to realistic. Eventually I snapped at her telling her to stop complaining and roasting her for not using an ad blocker.

The morning was routine, but Sam asked if I was in office without an explanation. He tried to talk with me later too so maybe it's something important.

I mostly realized that I need to learn Java streams and reactive so I spent the day doing that. Trevor was open to pair programming and learning together regularly, which I think will be a great introduction and motivator.

I settled on not getting my hair cut until next week when it'll be about a month since my last self cut. There's no rush since I'll be traveling back up regularly.

When I got home I pulled the same nap card and it makes me so frustrated. I didn't end up doing anything but get a frustrated and bored nut in before packing up for home.

On the way I chatted with Alex since he was concerned after reading the last blog post. We had a nice time catching up, but he mentioned how avoiding driving seems to be a huge motivator for me nowadays. He suspects road rage or something adjacent so I should look into solutions others have come up with.

Alex also mentioned how I seem to be sacrificing a lot in the name of sleep and not driving (isolating myself, not hanging out with others or playing volleyball as much) and it doesn't seem like I'm reaping much of benefits (spend forever journaling and sleep late). This is sad to realize, but I can't deny it.

I resolve to be intentional with 1:1's again. Maybe I can shoot for one a week. I should also chat with people more. I surprised myself to admit that I'm intimidated to talk or call now and it's ridiculous.

We also talked about finding a therapist and it reminded me that I should put that at the top of my list of to-do's. I can't argue with free sessions.

Just now while falling asleep I realized: I'm conflicted about Sara because the more I talk and think about her she's amazing to my brain--the computer--but she doesn't appeal much to the monkey in me. I don't want to be a slave to the monkey, but it seems like I have to be to some degree.

Same thing but I noticed: she understands me, we share so many interests, we seem to want to the same things as each other out of a relationship. It's not fair. How can someone so good of a fit with me just not register to part of my brain?