June 30, 2022•282 words
I realise now that 15 years ago was only the start of seeing who I am inside. I have pushed and pulled myself forward through many chapters to find the elusive self. All with one theme, to be accepted for who I am. Now, after martial arts, movement, career as advocate, I realise the narrative and dogmas that my energy fed into, striped me of my essence.
Since mum passed, I have worn her cross. I sit with myself in silence often. I visit churches where I value faith over religion.Days of active participation in dogma are behind me . Solitude has provide strength but exist because I don't feel safe in groups. In my loneliness, I begin to feel who I am. Still unknown,but felt. Its this feeling I attempt to articulate outward, its authentic residue landing where it needs to be. Feeling safe in my authenticity may provide me connections I crave.
I miss being loved. Not intimately , although that brings value, but just appreciated and checked in upon. Grateful that I have faith I can be loved, factors of the world after last two years have created a rift in all human connection, so its not just me. Uncertainty of people values seem ever present. Due to so much being thrown around, it can be challenging to snap out of the trance of bad "othering."
In centring my heart in silence, I begin to feel sincerity arriving toward me. Katherine at work always is there, regardless. I feel love for her because of this. Its her compassion for all, but especially for those who hold her up. Her strength and resilience, is something to emulate, the great feminine.