Thursday, 29 Dec 2022 at 21:56 - Daily Entry 17 - Day #10

So I went back on twitter for a bit but I am going to redelete it.
I have a better idea and feeling of why I want to quit and that is going to keep me motivated.
I want to quit so that
1) I have more time
2) I have more concrete ideas about things in life
3) So I am more stable and I am not easily swayed by social media and I have foundation/roots.
I find it shocking how much you have to scroll though to get some good content.
I am still on YouTube mostly I watch tv shows (which I talk about below) and my subscriptions and watch later.

Expanding on my previous daily post, I mentioned that I had been thinking about relationships. I have done some more introspect and I have found that I am really longing for intimacy and trust. I think I have been unable to trust people in a long time and I am only able to trust a few. It has made me realise I want to be more open. I like meeting people and it is fun but I don't do it often. So that is also a goal for the new year. We humans are social creatures and I truly believe for the future to be better , we must be social. It is sad that technology and things like social media has slightly taken this away from us. I see a lot of people lonely and sad and it is so frustrating because I wish I could reach out. A lot of us are lonely and having a random person to brighten our day and say hello or a compliment could change someone's life.

This also links to a video I watched today: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jcbEiZQ9B7o
It is called our concept of love is so messed up and I agree. We lack for intimacy and love because a lot of us have been wired to desire and want a hyperreal life. Social media places the focus of love on receiving and material things. But naturally love is not like this. Love is active and requires work and effort and giving. I think at times (before today), I had been passive in a lot of my relationships(which includes friendships). They take work and giving and time. When people don't text us even though, it has been a long time it is because they too see love as passive. As a thing of "if they wanted to , they would". But do you want to and do you do? Wanting and doing are two different things.

I have lost and downgraded a lot of friendships like this. I guess it is ironic, the moment I am off social media, is the moment I realise I should be on there, fighting for my friendships. My friend is getting married and I have been downgraded from a special friend with full access to just another guest. Not going to lie, I was sad about it and then I got over it. It made sense, I hadn't talked to them in multiple years, I couldn't expect everything would stay the same even though they said it would not matter how long it had passed. I guess the lack of effort and the distance took its toll. I know I have a lot of relationships like that, on the back burner and I can't help but think I am alone. No one ever taught me that you had to keep in contact with your close but physically distant friends, I just thought things would be the same when you meet up. But I guess time changes people and relationships, I just never thought it would change my friends.

Linking to another sphere of life, the concept of love also changes our romantic relationships. The video is really excellent and talks about how tv shows present a hyperreality. Meaning a version of an event which is made to feel (or acknowledged as) even more real than the reality. In reality it is just a copy (and maybe biased version) of a event and not the real thing. Movies such as the twilight series had a huge cultural shift (if you don't believe, look at after (a fan fic of twilight with harry styles), 50 shades of grey ( a fan fic of sexualised twilight with harry styles), 365 days (a polish fan fic of 50 shades of grey), kissing booth (using the hot anger possessive guys as a trope), most romantic films(which use toxic love) and my hellish favourite - passionflix ( a website owned by Elon's sister about "ideal guy" which are really creepy))
Maybe I should write a post about it - if you want me to you will have to leave a comment on the guestbook.

Eventually you get into a cycle where you get copies of things just cycling around until it is common place and accepted.

All of that to say watching Turkish/ any romantic tv shows has really affected me. If you didn't know Turkish tv shows (mostly on YouTube) have managed to master the art of tension and romance without explicit scenes which is a very big shift from Western culture which tends to overexploit that. I think some of them have really mastered creating intimacy and vulnerability. Of course some are still trash like some western shows. But it really got me wanting to have that in a relationship especially since I could relate to some of the characters. A lot of my brain has been wired for the western fairy tale love story and as a result I used to (and kind of still) look at love as a passive thing. Although naturally giving was always something I have always liked. (it might have been the people pleaser in me? ¯_(ツ)_/¯) So watching this YouTube video has made me realise a lot of things. I have also really been feeling the urge to read more. I think it is the result of knowing how easily moulded I can be and how many people are suffering as a result of not reading books by "great" people. Great meaning that it is not some random person with no education or skill in the area that they are discussing. Also I love how God's definition of love matches up to the "proper" version of love.

-- Sapphire

P.S. This is starting to feel like a diary expect it is a lot less personal cause trust me I can go deeper into my head and overshare (but we aren't oversharing with strangers anymore expect with my future therapist) (>_<)