Tuesday, 3 Jan 2023 at 04:59 - Daily Entry 18 - Day #11

I am really struggling with perfectionism today. I don't want to have the feeling that I have to be perfect but it is hard not to compare when I feel like I fall short. Yesterday I had to learn a dance routine and I kept messing up and I didn't like it. I felt like I was an inconvenience and it crept into my head this morning. That maybe being me was enough and part of me was making the mistakes but I also knew how I felt short of the expectation. I also was writing and realised how short my writing fell after I looked at my friends. The expectation that was required of me, I didn't meet. I am also failing myself. I am procrastinating work due to fear and stress whilst creating more.
This led me to listen to Try by Colbie Caillat. I feel like I always have to wear a mask and even then I fall short of people expectations. I can't be me cause I am not enough. People demand some much from me and say that I am so great whilst I am here dying.
This year I just want to be but why is this so hard?
I want to escape so much the expectations and people. I don't want to be see. Cause then they won't ask anything from me. I am so tired.

Time break of many hours

I have been working on my work and it has been going alright. I think I need more practice but it is going good.
I am breaking this cycle. I said I would and that is what I am going to do. I have a sibling and I can see so much of me in them and I don't want them to be like me and so I have to change for the better to be an example and guide them from the wrong choices. I don't want them to make the decision I did. It is funny that I have been leaving God out of this. IDK but it seems impossible for Him to have this much patience to deal with me but I know He does.
I am going to create a habit tracker and update you guys on it.
Today I have achieved 7 out of 13 goals which I find as a positive since I started this afternoon.
I need to work on my coding, sleep earlier and read.

I don't know who I am. I feel like a amorphous blog which is easily moulded but I guess that this the essence of this age?

-- Sapphire

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