Mood of the day: hectic and stressed
Today was a busy day. It made me realise my lacking planning skills. I have managed time well but I don't plan what I need to do. It is strange because the 2 things are linked. My days are quite chaotic because of it and end up feeling rushed because I am being reactive to things. It is why I have now scheduled in time to look at emails daily instead of checking them every 5 minutes. I think it comes to a similar thing to social media. Once you are thinking about it all the time, your brains adapts and creates also an internal notification.

I also had to support my friend emotionally. I have a strange feeling with them. I like them as a person but the emotional burden that they are carrying and putting on to me sometimes feel too much. I am getting them to better outsource their emotions e.g. to a therapist which I believe will be good for them in the long run. There is also a sense of low self esteem which I wish they could break. Honestly being friend with them in a way makes me think about how I should live my life and encourages me to improve myself. IDK if that is a good thing though.

I saw a instagram post about a show that I used to love. It triggered something within me where it made me realise that I want to turn into the person where I live (not for myself but I truly express who I am and the way I want to live without worries). I have believed in the past that my core nature was something that made living harder for me but now I see that my "core" is something that breathes life into other and uplifts them. My purpose here on this earth is to love and to teach. I have a unbelievable gift for learning things and teaching. And I truly want to use it rightly.

Moving on swiftly, I have been doing what I call "mini exercise". This is doing small exercises frequently to build up the habit of exercising when I am unable to do a whole 15 minutes or 45 minutes. I have been able to exercise though this week. I saw a tweet that said moving house is the ultimate fitness challenge/test. And I truly believe that. I had to move an old tv which require over 4 people to lift and move using max strength and that was horrible. The 3 of us were moving it when one of the strongest people slipped and fell so I had to use all my strength (note I am currently weak as I have learnt that I must let my tendons catch up before I can increase the weight I lift or I get nerve pain and impingements and tendon damage) to keep it up. This has no lead to my lats, ribcage and arms to be sore. I am sure that the tv weighed at least 30kgs minimum.

I also think the joint work (I focus on hips, knee, ankle and shoulder) has caused my shoulder socket to also be in pain. It is not significant but I am aware of it when I lift. I also did some back work and realised how stiff my upper and mid back was. I would have thought I had a good range but nope. It is very stiff. This is also something I will be working on.

However the one muscle group which has recovered well is my hamstrings, I did 2 sets of 20 with weights as I felt it was weak ad my quads were becoming dominant and I was having back of knee pain when walking a lot and they feel stronger. It might be something I continue to do for the next couples of weeks.

Mentally this week has been challenging. I have felt the underlying tension in my apartment between some people which showed me how I cope with stress and how I tend to be a bit too sacrificial.

I also roller skated for a bit which is one of my true joys but it also started to rain. I want to practise some jam skating (it is dancing with skates on if you don't know) as I have gotten a couple of songs stuck in my head that I keep dancing to.

Chapter 1: https://listed.to/@Sapphire/38358/something-like-a-storm-chapter-1
Chapter 2: https://listed.to/@Sapphire/38359/something-like-a-storm-chapter-2
Chapter 3: https://listed.to/@Sapphire/38360/something-like-a-storm-chapter-3
Chapter 4: https://listed.to/@Sapphire/38361/something-like-a-storm-chapter-4
Chapter 5: https://listed.to/@Sapphire/38362/something-like-a-storm-chapter-5

Rest of it is coming soon!

Hi,
This is a poem that I wrote a while back and I am uploading it now. I think this poem is an example of how people tend to love these days.

T͇h͇e͇ ͇T͇r͇u͇t͇h͇

Well, I guess I am here.

I don't know what to say.

Are we strangers or at the beginning of friends?

I clung onto you like a rope.

Fearing for my life.

Cause you were my last hope, my last chance my last.

You cling to me harder though.

I don't know, how.

I was your first hope, first good luck

Your first true friend.

Everything about this screams no.

Yet I care, I don't know if it was your sad story or I can see you in me. me in you.

Your words show you have a naive and sweet nature.

I tend to over-feel

It is why my logic reigns supreme.

I don't know sorry think we will speak again.

Maybe I will check on you in the future.

Maybe we will even accidentally meet.

That would be sweet.

I don't want you to go through what I did.

The crushed hope but you are older at least you have more experience to deal with it.

Maybe I will maybe I won't.

I found myself again outside of the web in real life.

It w̶a̶s̶ no is painful but so great.

Should I go?

Bye

---

I thought I could fix you. I thought I needed you more than you needed me subconsciously.

I was naive malleable. I hope one day (in Neveruary for my sake) I can have a healthy ̶r̶e̶l̶a̶t̶ friendship with you.

I don't know why I attached to you so strong. I think we honestly need a long break so I can learn to live healthy without you and without this web and with God.

With Love,

Sapphire

Why was he so angry? This is dumb.
I went to my next lesson with Feira. It seems a bit more interesting this time. We recapped one of my favourite topics in astrology - black holes. I loved the mystery surrounding them, especially how we had no idea what the singularity was or how they lead to the idea that the whole world was a hologram. Feira was less intrigued as she preferred biology.
This school was deliberately putting easier topics just so we wouldn't feel dumb. That is really frustrating. It was bad enough they had left us to our own devices when we first arrived but dumbing everything down as well. This was ridiculous.

"Open your books to page 54 and complete the questions. If you have any questions, ask your partner then read your notes then if you are still stuck ask me."

"Hey, are you ok? I saw that guy from last week walked off in a storm when you were putting your money."
"Yeah, I'm fine. That was nothing. He wanted his table back even though there is clearly enough space for both of our groups to sit there. He made a big deal out of nothing. "

"Oh ok. Be careful"

I focused on calculating the escape velocity. My breath uneven from the stress of our encounter.

"Time for a quiz. Close your books."

The answer seemed to flow out of my brain and onto the page.

"That is time. Finish the questions on page 54 whilst I mark these"

"So how did you find the test?"

"It was alright. It was just a basic repeat of what we did at school last autumn"

"Same. I found it quite easy. I think they are trying to make sure that everyone is on the same level."

"Well done class. The class average was 92%. We will be moving onto special relativity and then we will start on mechanics. Class dismissed"

Finally!

The canteen was still empty. Kamen was there waiting for us in the same area as last week.
"Hey, how was your class?"

"It was ok. Gym was the same and English was boring. We are about to finish Romeo and Juliet."

"We just finish black holes finally."

"Cool. I don't think some of the guys are sitting with us today. It seems as if they have managed to integrate themselves into the new system."

"It was only a matter of time."

Walking towards us, Christian and his friends sat on the empty half of the table.

"It seems that they have learnt how to share" Kamen laughed.

A forced smile emerged out of me. I still couldn't relax though, not when they practically hate me.

Monday came around too soon. The idea of seeing them or being in that school petrified me. My stomach fluttered with fear. Fear of embarrassment, of socialising again.
Then, I could be the big brave girl standing up for righteous but their critic of me demolished the fake facade of confidence I had. I felt my brain spiralling out of control into the thoughts. It was shutting me out. I was suddenly aware of everything but I couldn't react. My body was acting on primate and habitual instinct. I become avoidant of emotions yet aggressive to anything.

"Isabella? Are you ok? Isabella!" Freia asked me as I walked towards her.
"I'm fine" My words came out heavy and nonchalantly. I wanted to stop and break out of it but I couldn't. I felt panic and myself breaking down further. My fear somehow managed to manifest on the outside.

"Are you sure?" She questioned again.

The panic subsided now replaced with sadness and confusion. What was happening to me?

"I'm fine. I was just in my own head" I quickly wiped the tears from my eyes.
"Do you want to talk?"
"No, it is fine. I just need to put money on my food allowance"
Thankfully, there was no line. No time to rest or think. I scanned my finger and started pulling out my money.
"Hey"
I glanced to my right and saw it was him. Christian.
"What do you want?" I attacked wanting to make this short and not end in me shutting down.
"You shouldn't be so aggressive. I just want to talk about our common problem."
"Our problem? I don't know you."
"What I mean is the issue regarding the tables. What you don't understand is that table has been ours for over a year and a half and I would like to keep it for the rest of the time that I am here."
"What YOU don't understand is first come first serve and anyway the table is big enough for both groups. Why are you making such a big deal?"
"I just need the table ok!"
He walked off in a storm.
I ignored his unjustified anger and walked off.

Stop!
I didn't know where the voice came from but it crashed through my thoughts, shattering everything else.

Don't listen to them. You are not weak!

I wanted to ignore it argue with it tell it all the ways it was wrong but I couldn't.

I didn't want to continue my destructive cycle. I not only wanted but longed for something else. Some peace and quiet. But that can't happen I can't break free.

I shut all my thoughts out. I didn't want to dwell on it any longer.

"Hey, I am tired from working. We can still talk if you want?"

"Yeah sure" I could hear her beaming through the phone. I felt a little better from not shutting down and isolating. Maybe this is what normal people do.

The sun blazed underneath me. Starting again was hard. I dug into the dirt yanking out the weed. Salty sweat dripped down my arms into the wee, rewarding their death with a bitter drink. Taking my time, I removed the dirt from the potted plant. With exposed roots the flower looks so worthless. I quickly covered with dirt, hoping it would grow quickly.

Drinking a glass of water, dad laughed at the fact I was still in the garden. "Isabella, it is six o'clock on a Saturday, I think you have done enough."

Yesterday after I had talked to Freia, I didn't want to remain in my head entertaining those thoughts. It had worked but I couldn't help but feel that I should be confronting it instead. I feared it would come back to bite me.

I don't know how it happened. It seemed like my mind blocked it. It wouldn't be the first time. My parents went ballistic at the event (not unreasonably), forcing me to move schools. I didn't know: how, or where I was going somehow, she came with me. Since that day, we haven't been the closest of friends however growing isolation seems to force us together. The school was shut down, marking an end to the triggers. Most people went to a school 5 mile away. There was still a hundred going to this new school yet, it felt like only I was going. At least there were no uniforms.

Lesson passed quickly, and then I only had physics until lunch. The low lighting in this school seems to emphasise the direct rays of light that shone through. I reached out, my mind intrigued by the light, my hand over weaving between the rays. The professor seems to ramble on but the words that were flying towards me printed themselves onto my notebook. As he begins to recap what I knew, I turned, glancing around. The classroom held unfamiliar faces; I seemed like everyone else from my school wasn't here. I glanced at the different faces. I noticed that this school was apparently more diverse however, they were stereotypical groups. There was no real diversity. I looked at the seating of these groups and found myself in the isolation of them all, weirdly enough.

Lunchtime came quickly and I scrambled out of my seat to find my friends. Entering the canteen, I made eye contact, expressing my arrival. Most of them were already there, I had been left with the last seat. As the darkly illuminated rooms for our subject, me and Freia talked about how the lights seem to reflect the tense atmosphere between the two schools. True diversity was the main one. Pointing across the room, Freia showed me the group that was strolling closer towards our table, causing us to cease our conversations.

"Excuse me but, you guys are sitting at our table" The guy leading the group announced as they arrived at the table. He seemed to defy the homogeneous groups.

"We sat here first. Can't you guys go find another table?" I quickly tried to dismiss them pacifically.

Whispering seemed to germinate in their group. I could hear some words. "Rude!"

"Can't they see they don't belong here?"

Putting down my fork with a cling, I invested my full attention towards the increasingly hostile situation. They invade our school, our lives, our. Stop! Invading echoed in my head, trying to metamorphose.

"Can you just move please?" Words seemed to be hissed out his mouth as his fist clench.

"I am sorry but first come first served," I responded forcing the words without the venom. Redirecting my mind as I contemplated and noticed his expression was off. I couldn't believe that he was irritated at us.

A girl seemed to grab his arm.

"Come on Christian let's go." She pulled and he reluctantly removed himself, keeping eye contact with me.

I broke eye contact avoiding the tension. I looked back at Freia and smiled trying to focus back on the food.

As I gave them one last look, I noticed how the dynamic in the group seemed to be constrained by him. His eyes never lit up with laughter. The focal point in the group was him, he seemed to be the leader. His fakeness was obvious to me.

“Are you ok?” Freia analysed my features.

“Yeah, how were your classes?” The group seems to simmer down again.

I placed my phone on the bed along with my bag laying down staring at the blank ceiling that seemed to narrow inwards like a spiral.

My phone chimed with a notification.

"Hey, do you want to facetime later today? We could do something?"

"Sorry but I am busy"

The lie felt weird coming out of my mouth to Freia. I don’t know why my brain wouldn’t socialise today. The indirect unknown hatred towards me.

It is consuming me.

Why did he hate me? What did I do to him? Why would they criticise people they don’t know?

I am gonna wash away. I sang along with the song wishing that my insecurities would also wash away.

I shouldn’t let this get to me. Why am I being so stupid? The tears fell down my face. Why am I crying? I am too emotional. Come on, don’t be a baby. Don’t be weak.

The embers of my dreams faded away before I reluctantly opened my eyes. My eyes drifted to my clock. The pink numbers told me that it was 6:30.

I sighed longing to sleep just a bit more. Slowly the drowsiness disappeared. My mind sharpened and focused. My hair braided in cornrows was starting to get messy. My dark brown oval face started back at me with slightly pronounced eye bags. The school uniform hung up waiting for me. I felt the urge to go on my phone yet, I ignored knowing it would waste precious minutes that I sadly didn’t have.

Hearing footsteps outside my door, I prepared myself for someone to peek their head through my door. As always it was dad, once he saw that I was awake, he closed it again leaving me in silence. I didn’t want it. It made me think. I groaned and closed my eyes as my head reminded me of what I had to face today.

Him.

I laughed -my hands covering my eyes- as I repeated in my head my thoughts. My mind hated the actions I took. Trusting too much then backing away a toxic trait but, what else did I have to defend myself?

Opening my leaves patterned blinds, I was suddenly blinded by the bright white light. Squinting my eyes, I gradually opened them, allowing them to adjust. I saw the flowers I had once used to make perfume surrounding my garden. I smiled at the memories when life simply was. I walked away from my window. The rest of the day passed with me having tragically, forced flashbacks.

As always everyone was walking home through the field, but then something unexplainable happened. I noticed that people further ahead were getting shot. Where there were 5 now walked 4. People started screaming, swearing that they had seen people behind the trees with large AK guns.

I froze.

My heart was beating at the cages of my ribs. A river of adrenaline hammered at the walls of my arteries like a cheetah running. My breath- now irregular- hitched. My brain slugged through the process of understanding, shutting down. Just as quickly I woke up, one thought reverberated through my head. Run.

My brain wanting to survive was only focused on one thing. Escaping, but my soul, my nature called me to help my friends. To search for them. To save them. Others. Strangers I didn’t know. I was the first out of all my friends to leave school. I scream at everyone to run. This was the first time I was hearing myself scream. It was weird. I could hear it echo through the field.

On and on.

People looked at me with weird gestures. Their eyebrows frowning. Others looked up from their phones, trying to see why it was so tranquil, and saw the mass crowd running towards them, they froze for a split second. At that moment, I could see confusion, surprise, shock and horror on their faces transitioning smoothly into each other. Then there was a stampede. Individuals were racing to get out. People who tripped cried out for help but, almost nobody stopped to help them.

I saw this girl who had fallen. Blonde. Blue eyes. Glasses. It took a second before recognition kicked in. Fiera. If this was a movie, she would have been labelled as the school popular slightly mean girl. If this was a movie, this would have been ironic and heroic. If this was a movie, I would have no should have left her. But it wasn’t. I didn’t. Her arms reached out to me. Tears ran down her face. She gasped and mouthed Help. I saw her foot stuck under a rock. I pull with all my strength. She cried out in pain as I pulled her. I fell. Her feet reddish-blue and swollen. She cried, thank you over and over again. Her tears now like waterfalls. I held her hand as we ran towards the green gate. It looked like a sanctuary. My eyebrow frowned at the tens of people. I looked around and noticed that we weren’t at the back but in the middle. I drew a breath and counted myself as lucky.

As we got closer and closer to the gate, space became more and more crowded. Soon the air became humid with the sweat and tears. Pushing and shoving threatened to break my hand holding Fiera. She was still crying. It was only then that the adrenaline in my blood had given out. I was involved in a kidnapping. My eyes squinted at the fact, nose scrunched turning eyes glossy. My hands went to my face automatically wiping any tears that had escaped. My disbelief now went to horror and panic. Fiera looked at me and squeaked my hand. Somehow it convinced me that we would make it out alright. We walked, following the people ahead of us. The adrenaline had faded and soon everything seemed grey. My throat burst to acknowledge what had just happened. To have this afternoon not happen. We both sustained each other. Not physically but mentally, the damage done was something akin to a nuclear explosion..... With my mind shutting down.

I am going to start uploading my stories here.
If you think you can copy these ideas and just claim it you are wrong!
Please know these stories are copyrighted and belong to me only!
I hope you can enjoy them though!

Please note that these stories will get refined overtime and if I do decide to take it in a different direction (due to me being more socially aware or just don't like the ending), I will probably publish a second edition. These stories will be slow to publish and I have a clear view of the ending and beginning of a story but never the ending.

-- Sapphire

So I subscribe to a news paper summary and today I found out that China has had some serious climate change problems. This summer they have had a super drought which has caused problems with the energy sources. They have been previously using renewable hydropower but now they have had to depend on coal. Whilst this is important because we should all be trying to go to net 0. I am not saying that they shouldn't have used coal. Their country was in a heatwave and people needed to survive but the implication on an unchanged energy source is harsh. China has 50% of the world's stock of wheat, over 60% of the world's rice and 68% of the world's corn. What happens to China as a country with climate change will impact us all.
These are essential basic food used to create a lot of other things. A impact on the production could impact our food supply and our diet which would then affect our health.
Also I just read this article, I am not that smart to do with politics.
On the other hand, I have decided to delete TikTok on my phone as a part of my increased data awareness. I have also set up excel sheets for health management instead of notion/apps as it is really cool.

Health wise I also read this great article about foods to eat during winter for immune support. The top 6 foods were:

• Bell Peppers
• Blueberries
• Almonds
• Spinach
• Green Tea
• Dark chocolate

As someone who is becoming more focused on health, I am trying to increase my diversity of food that I eat. I have also been making my own bread which is so yummy!
You can find the health article if you search Goss & Genius and Jeff Boadi.

As someone who was born in an EU country, I would say this is more important in the US and UK and more modernised EU country where food quality standards have dropped. I have been to the UK and the food tastes and grows differently which is so crazy!

I have decided to be honest with myself and I have hold myself accountable. I am the barrier to the life I want. I have a wavering self worth and confidence and I believe the core of this is me self sabotaging.

Also something that I want to focus on is developing critical thinking skills. I think we have a tendancy to accept a lot of things just because it has been told to us. But I want to develop my critical thinking skills so that I can see the world better.

-- Sapphire

Today I got up early an went driving.
I was nervous but I did it. I went somewhere close and when I was going there, my driving was a bit bad but on the way back, I felt a lot better and slightly calmer. I was still sweating sad face but I think I am getting better and more relaxed. I stalled when reversing an incline an then I remembered I have to put some more gas. I also struggled to reverse out of my home parking spot but it was ok. I just had to wait for a long gap. I have a lot of things to do so I will update this later!

Bye for now

• Sapphire

Today I realised that my inner child is hurt. Not only that but the fact that I have been trying to heal her though my younger sibling. I have been trying to relive my childhood through them and hoping that their childhood would be better for it. I am trying to stop them from making the mistakes I did that ultimately affected me a lot. It doesn't help that we are compared a lot and people state that we are very similar. Even family says it.

But I know they aren't me and they have to also learn for themselves. I must learn to let go and let them make their mistakes and fall. But I can't lie and say it doesn't scare me. I just hope to God that they don't make my mistakes and they don't end up like me. As sad as that sounds.

I have a broken inner child, someone who is afraid to love and be loved and who must people please but who still hopes for her fairy tale ending. I guess it is funny.

Whenever I revisit past tv shows and things of my childhood , it makes me cry. Before today, I didn't know why. A couple summers ago, pre-covid I think, I re-watched my childhood favourite show and when I had finished. I cried so much. I --don't-- didn't know why. But now I see it was because it was the inner child in me. I was crying because I was saying goodbye to the show, by finishing it , I had ended the illusion around me. I now had to go on with life and I had to be my age which was not a 6 year old. I had to study and cook.

Honestly I don't think it is good for me to continue to indulge in such escapist behaviour. That doesn't mean I can't watch my old tv shows but it does mean I can't use it as a means to escape my life and dissociate.

Also reality rn is pretty cool. My urge to escape really only comes at stressful times but I am trying to get better. I really need a therapist lool.

Here is a song that never fails to get me emotional: Hold Back the River by James Bay
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mqiH0ZSkM9I

Thanks for reading my rambles

• Sapphire

I am a little late on the daily entries. I know lol.
I have been thinking about content.
I saw this IG reel :

https://www.instagram.com/reel/ChTF_VojCR1/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

And it really got me thinking.
I want content that I produce and consume to be of high quality value. Not content that is just put out.
I think that idea of content creation and consistency being the name of the game instead of quality has really been pushed on me.
I have multiple account where I produce content and I have been just thinking about/producing low quality content but consistent.

So I want to improve the quality of my content, that involves using storyboards to plan them out and then produce them and planning transitions and I find that the ideas then are so much better. The hard part comes when I am trying to find clips that fit my idea or I can't produce the idea that I have in my head.

I have also thought about doing weekly thinking on my account where I think about a topic that cross my mind in the past week and discuss them a bit more.

I am a student so I want to go back to study and focusing on what I did last year starting September aka next monday. I was supposed to start on the 1st but I got lazy hahah.
I also really need to plan my time better.

Today was also National Cinema Day and I went to the cinema, it was really God who woke me up at 6:30 (cause I have been struggling) and I even got out of bed and spent less "wasteful" time on my phone.

I managed to book the tickets in the morning at 6 when I was struggling so much cause the site was crashing and everyone was trying to book them =.

I also watched some economic video and it was ironic that they mentioned that cinema and going shopping is serving as a distraction for the poor people to numb themselves and so we don't realise it is the rich who have gained a ridiculous amount of money and if we want to improve our living standards we need to unite and fight back.

I am not going to get too deep into this lol.

See you next time xx

-Sapphire

Today,

I feel old or maybe I should have said older.
My lower back is stiff and aches.
I still long to roller skate but I have responsibilities.
I don't hate them but I know I must honour them and complete them to a good standard.
I just wonder where I am when I am completing them. What am I to do as I carry out my responsibilities to people?
As I take care and guard people close to me, am I too sit here idlily waiting?
Part of me knows she is safe but I still wonder if I should be at close reach, at close distance. Am I to keep a close distance?
I see some of my friends with younger mentalities some which I still have and it frustrates me. How sometimes we can't see our own flaws. It is why I am grateful to Adonai cause He points it out to me, pushes me to be who I was always meant to be and to be better.
I think fear in some way still has or maybe I let its wrap its hand around me. I noticed it when i am meeting/talking to people. I am not scared but my physical body reacts as if I am.
Most days I don't follow a single path but I visit multiple places mentally. I am always running mentally and sometimes physically.

Things I want to do:

• start a youtube channel,
• be braver
• read my bible more.

-Sapphire

PS I really love this community of strange mix of people! It is so cool I think.

So I am having my interview and it is ok. I was nervous for some reason even though it was a telephone.

I deleted my crypto money that I earned (it wasn't worth a lot anyway). I don't like crypto. It is very scammy and bad for the environment and most of it doesn't function as a currency which is strange.

-Sapphire

Hi?

This is probably the 100th time I have started a blog. Consistency is not a strong suit of mine.

I recently found this site whilst looking for a privacy-based blogging site.

I have recently been focused on privacy. I have a lot of stories to upload and I hope you will enjoy it.

I hope you stay for the next post

-Sapphire