12-3-2021

so
i watched girl interrupted again
lets see what thoughts and memories this can elicit
since I heavily remember things referentially

it's interesting to see between the characters
which one is my current phase

obviously there's a lot with susanna
that i heavily identify with
i did the hospital circuit in western missouri/eastern kansas
and i can remember times
when I was Lisa
though the difference is
i only had a person with me for 48 hours
straight
and was only in the hospital for 22 days
at the most
i remember a 72 hour hold too
in addition to the 1:1
so... i guess literally
as silly as it seems
i was locked up in a place
(they said I could leave
but if i did, the insurance wouldn't pay out)
forced onto medications
given a bed in the isolation room
because they didn't have a bed for me
it was definitely the concrete pad in the middle of the room
with a thin mattress and blanket on top
there were D rings around the perimeter of the bed
people have been tied up here before
and injected with things
and here i am
trying to sleep on it like it's just a bed
that was only one of the places

and then there was the time I started ECT
3 times a week
for some amorphous amount of weeks
while I just had a 22 day stay

then somebody had to drive me to kansas
3 times a week
for some amount of weeks

apparently everyone was mad at my mom
she told me this semi-recently
there's a lot of stuff that I had no idea were going on
it's absolutely wild to me
the amount of things that just go over my head
and around my presence
that i wouldn't know about
if they didn't tell me later

there's always all of these other narratives
that i don't get clued in on
until years later

they make the things I can remember
from my history
really cringy in hindsight

i'm sure there are people out there
with a completely different person
in their head for me
because of the wild waves
i was bringing into everyone's world
there are so many possible people
that they could think I am
and I don't recall enough
about the situations
to mitigate the guilt
i feel on the other end

the thing they don't know
is my existence is
primarily made up
of mirrors

the echolalia stores the sounds
the emotions store a sliver of the content
i incorporate the content
i become the content
except it's little slivers
from 150000 different mediums

it's an imitation game
what things do I want to collect
to represent me
either in the near future
or imprinted on to my existence
what sound and visual related content
will i become

it's harder for the imprinting to happen now
so a lot of my imprints are from 20 years ago
maybe that's why i compulsively watch shows
in the background of my existence
i can't deal with complete silence
it kills my anxiety so much
so it's shows
movies
videos
music
games (though not as much in the background)
there are people streaming
constantly
that I could watch
but I don't

if it's one of my shows
i don't need subtitles
whereas regularly
i need subtitles all the time
i didn't even know this
until I was 25
my partner needed them
so of course i turned them on
and then I realized just how much content of what happens
just gets completely missed by me
because I don't always hear words
I just hear sounds
having a visual representation makes it easier
subtitles make it perfect
a lot of things don't have subtitles
like real life

so content I've been repeatedly watching for a couple decades
has all kinds of meanings and sub-stories
that previously got missed
completely by me
that before, the content didn't have that much meaning to me
it was just sounds
for me to pillage
and incorporate
sometimes the sounds ended up being words
sometimes they were just onomatopoeia

it's interesting seeing those things
with more context now
if it's something that was already in there
before the Bad Time
it's easier for me to connect new information to it

and they wonder why i have anxiety

so here i am
taking dabs
and watching girl interrupted
again
again again

"the whitest movie ever" someone said
i don't remember who
i just remember going
oh really
is that why i found a lot of resonant identity in it
because it is me
a white girl

does it say something about me?
privilege that I was in hospitals
instead of locked up
and medicated in jails?

some of those times
just because I was scaring myself
some of those times
it was other people reacting
to the fucked up situations I was bringing down
except
i only get to know what they were
in other people's point of view
because the bad shit
i can't remember anything about
i still don't know why
i was suddenly single
in the middle of a mental breakdown
thinking i had someone who cared about me
there to help me through it
and then suddenly they were gone
and I was left to my own devices
and eventually living with my mom again

theres a fuck ton of debt
that disappeared with bankruptcy
just chaos
medical bills
since I lost my insurance
and Missouri doesn't give a shit
so I was on my own
ill-advised purchases
on credit
because i had a Real Job
that paid Real Money
so of course, using 0% interest
over time
was just like a regular thing
the regular people did
even though things could be bought
outright
well, putting it on credit,
and running through the rest of my actual money
during my demise

then eventually
I couldn't drive anywhere
because I was having seizures
brand new car (well, like 8 months old now)
costing monthly money
now functionally useless
stuck in excelsior
on the outs with like
everyone in my life
it's amazing that I went for flight instead of die

but those girl interrupted characters
felt so familiar
if it were the 60s
I probably would've been in there
for months at a time

now,
I don't want to be in the hospital
I just want to melt to pieces in the house
What do they think
with my presence always here

at least i have relative autonomy
regular food, at least once a day (usually)
an actually comfortable bed
nobody checking on me all night
a bathroom with a door
a shower that encloses
blades and scissors and needles and medication
though i'm "consensually" taking this medication
weed, because they know it helps me regulate
and makes my legs not hurt as much
constant content
privacy
less need for social interaction
because nobody cares enough here

that might sound bad
(here, people will tell me they can't believe I would say that
but not understand the content of what I was trying to say
I know they care
a lot
they don't know what to do
so they go on about their lives
as they should
which is fair

i don't know what to do either)

but when you are in the hospital
there's constantly someone telling you what they think you should be doing
want to hole up in your room?
well, we will let your doctor know
and try our hardest
to make you change course
don't want to eat food?
aww well your doctors aren't going to be happy about that
you clearly need to eat something
maybe we'll have to keep you more days
who knows when you'll get out this time
you want to sleep longer than 7AM?
well you are going to miss breakfast
you should get up and come with me to breakfast
you want to keep sleeping? It's 10:30
you've already missed a group
we'll make sure to let your doctor know
at least it's not jail, right?

my arm hurts
and looks like a lot
even in a place i've never done before
on the backside of my arm
a hundred baby slices
done with a pore cleaning tool
that is like a needle at the point
this one was brand new
so it was still sharp
this was the third time
i've done this since I relapsed
"relapsed"

it sounds so fake
you aren't doing anything real
you're living the easy life
don't have to worry about living
so you can manufacture
reasons to indulge your emotions

"everybody is doing the best they can at every point in time"

yeah
okay

how could i believe that about myself?
especially if I'm just imitating other people
how could it be the best
if i'm creating a system
just to have a sense of self

aesthetics
phrases
sounds
music
shows
movies
style
vibe
mannerisms
social interactions
ideologies
religion
metaphysics
philosophy in general

i'm just collecting
and those things I'm collecting
are me

effectively
i think
sometimes I feel like there are multiple me
perhaps multiple collections
in fact
a lot of the time it feels like there are multiple me
that could explain the memory holes
couldn't it?
that could explain the volatile emotions
that could explain the confusing second hand recollection
of events you have done
things you've been there for

it's fucked
if there are multiples there
that complicates the situation greatly

it all feels so fake
i don't feel real at all
i'm just a bunch of collections
shaped into a human
maybe that's why I identify as fae

a thing that was brought into my life
because I collected it
but i became it
or was i always it
and i just had words for it now?
like when I figured out I was trans
I had known for the longest time
(which I know is cliched to death these days)
(but it was the literal truth for me)
I had known something was different about me
from a very young age
i never quite understood what
i just knew that I perceived
in ways nobody else did

the boys treated me like a friendly outsider
at best
or an infiltrator
at worst
the girls treated me like a friendly outsider
at best
or a weirdo
on average
or a threat
at worst

the friends knew something was different
and just liked me for me
nobody had words for it
i think it ultimately came down to
the pieces of identity
I was collecting
i never understood why
others weren't just nice to each other
by default
conflict between others
tended to bother me so much
lying
always confused me
i barely can now
and only if it is of great importance
and used as sparingly as I can
because every single one
there's a chance of being found out
because I perpetually suck at lying

"So I fade away
And I fade away
I been gone so long, you don't know
Yeah, I don't fucking know you no more
And I pray
And I pray
I been gone so long, you don't know
Yeah, I don't fucking know you no more"
FADE - Ramzoid ft sober rob

These words from this song and its vibe