nyxynyx

screaming thoughts into the thicket

12-5-2021

i finally slept
after 38 hours of being awake
took my meds
it was probably the melatonin
maybe
it's a thing that works how it is supposed to
i was on trazodone for sleep once
that shit always worked
and once I took it I was on a countdown
if i didn't make it to my bed
i was sleeping wherever i dropped

maybe melatonin isn't as heavy
maybe it wasn't that
and i just sleeped because it had been 38 hours

i have a feeling
that's not what happened
because i was going so hard
just awake
medicating the thoughts away
i catastrophized the whole day
i'm pretty sure there were times when i was hallucinating
i was probably saying wild shit to barb
i thought my mom was angry with me
(i still kinda think this, though she finally talked to me after 2 days)
laura is coming today
sometime
we're "doing my birthday"
well
they're doing my birthday
and i'm just going to be here for it
though
i am going to consume an enormous amount of thai food
we never get it
because it doesn't agree with my mom
i asked for it
because i'm supposed to do that for my birthday
i'm going to have like 45 skewers of satay
and 6 whole orders of crispy garlic chicken
the best breading texture on any chicken ever
jasmine rice

shaking

instead of just letting it happen
i'm focusing it into specific stims
because at least it's useful then
25

i got the weighted blanket out
for the first time in a while

so i'm just under 15 pounds now
covering my body all the way up to my arms
i have this octopus
letting my vision phase in and out
weeds on the tv
sitting in this room by myself
trying not to scratch my arm
trying not to think about doing more
maybe freak everyone out again
i don't want that to happen
i want to be able to do it
without anyone making a big deal
something something
bodily autonomy
lol what a shit excuse for bodily autonomy
that's for people with actual problems

judgement
of
myself
if i do it enough
maybe nobody else will
starting to become aware of the contradictions

i took a shower
bare minimum
didn't brush my hair
but at least i smell better

under my weighted blanket
hugging zephyr
i put a good smell on me
so it's just here
i put on a dress that feels like pajamas
i have my fuzzy sweater
the oldest one i still have
it's old and stretched out
so it's massive and
just swallows me
i can hide my arms
all the way to the fingertips
if i want
my vision fades in and out
the same playlist I've listened
on repeat to
it's become the soundtrack
of staying alive

i drove to shell
for monster
and taste stim

thinking recklessly
driving along the middle line
thinking
if i just happened to twitch
as i often do
the car might swerve left into oncoming traffic
and the thing is
i would end up living
because of course
it couldn't just be that simple

i ate leftover pizza
go me
not wasting food

i also ate a thing of donuts
a mega cosmic brownie
a package of sour gold bears
there's Boston crème pie
and will be thai food
I'm just going to make up
for those missed days
in half a day
who fuckin cares

at least I'm back in the 180s
never going to be 140s probably ever again
i miss being smol

i used to be 4'11" and 100 lbs

in high school

passage of time is fucked

12-4-2021

i think December just gets to be perpetually shitty in my brain

it's all just decaying

breaking out as many of the maladaptive coping skills as i can to dig out of this mind hole

it's supposed to be all
happy family time
and I'm just trying
to ruin everything on purpose (i know that's a cognitive distortion)

(i don't functionally have control of what the awful anxiety inducing images and feelings and voices tell me)

sometimes i need to make it stop now
or i might just do something more ridiculous
that will affect others even more

i don't want to be in the hospital in December again
i must not be demonstrative
because they will just take me
i don't want to be in the hospital in December
it's covid still
i DO NOT WANT TO BE IN THE HOSPITAL IN DECEMBER AGAIN

I'm hearing everything critically
every noise
every word my mom says under her breath
every bang that happens
followed by a big sigh
I'm stuck so i am just here for it
i couldn't deal with the anxiety
of the social situation
and i just left this realm

the social situation

with my mom

because that's where we're at

she's literally making a Boston crème pie
for me
for my birthday
making exasperated sighs and noises
that i can only hear critically at this point

these things she is doing out loud
mean something
like... there's an underlying narrative
that just ends with me being a shitty person

can't move
felt like i should've helped
stuck here
zoning in and out of weeds
and hearing the noises
that have the other narrative
that ends in me being shitty
and i desperately
don't want to be shitty
it's only Dec 4
i cannot be melting down right now
this whole situation has me sideways
you really can't just say "hey can we ignore me getting older this year
because that would be great"

everybody has feelings about my birthday
and i just want to run
especially when i came at Thanksgiving with "It feels kinda weird to celebrate a génocide"
AND THEN I ATE IN A FUCKING RESTAURANT

HOW DOES ONE CONTRADICTION

I have control right now
I could just run the fuck away
I've done it before

Nobody has power of attorney so
i really could just fuck off

this is the reckless shit
that starts running
just completely batshit

so instead I'm going to play a game
and eat nothing
oh yeah and i haven't been asleep since
yesterday morning
ohhhh damn i bet that means I've missed two med times
well then
they think I'm fucking crazy

i don't want to believe it
but I've seen enough empirical data

And yeah, I know we aren't supposed to say crazy anymore, though it's technically a réclamation

mad woman

at least my body feels relatively right! 😰

must write words
to not do alternative
they are going to judge me so hard
if they notice fresher cuts
i want to be the bitch that doesn't care
it's my birthday
and i'll bleed if i want to
bleed if i want to
you would bleed too if it happened to you

i guess this makes me a lifer?
lol I'm sure that's very unhelpful
but even reframed in a more positive way
still comes out with me
dealing with this problem
chronically

15 years since the beginning of the fall
15 years is a lot
especially when i hang out with people 10 years younger than me
i don't like time
dysregulation

*notice*

Everything below this is opposite of blog order
starting at 11-14 to 12-3

11-14-21

paranoid paranoid paranoid paranoid why did u say all those things to many things for so soon this is literally going to be the reason u get abandoned again tooo many deep thoughts went too hard on that first one there oh shit why did i say all those things what even is my brain why does it have to be this way shitty shitty shitty shitty too much trauma so little time too much madness it's not going to be fine ever this is how it will be until you die is like one time you figured out how to deal for a while but then shit kept happening and slowly the sculpture lost very crucial pieces for the whole balance of the thing one more piece missing and suddenly the thing is les stable there it is over there

wobbling

because oh yeah she fuckin wobbles too everywhere shaking all the time if it's not happening involuntary she is doing it on purpose because at least i can still do it on purpose spilling shit all the time drop the thing trip over the air spill the full coffee maybe get a little on you too oh you know throw the knife dump the dinner miss the keys on the fucking keyboard oh yep you definitely moved too little oh yep you definitely moved too much endlessly forever and it's never going to get better no end in sight this is just how it is for you so get used to it

cope like you do with everything else

11-15-21

so... baked. because of course. there's nothing wrong with that. some people understand it on a different level than other things. this creates complications in life that can be very confusing in the time that they are happening. my... mind is on fire, my being is asleep .

rocking

rocking

rocking

oh boy

these brownies were a little too much, I cede. We didn't know what we had. I'm

rocking

rocking

rocking
scared
disillusioned

tired

very tired

vibrating

over time

analyzing that
i don't know what

i don't know what to do

"Maybe the high is not so good"

Mmmmmmmm

Maybe I agree

I mean look at her, she's asleep

this is just every day, and has been,

i'm tired

Want to crawl in a hole

not exist anymore

i don't know how to find a therapist at all

i just did it, because it happened

i'm tired

i'm really tired

feeling a pulsating through my upper jaw

vibrating

not want to exist

don't want to be perceived

this is just life though, this is every day though

almost 32 years and i'm just here now

in this understanding that it's present day, this is just how it is

i went and said some shit and opened up for a minute

to become hopeful with a new situation there could be some change

what is going on that needs to change

i understand this is just real life and i live it every day

rocking. vibrating

"chillin"

i used to do this every day with Dylon,

that was real life then

this is real life now

there's a fucking timeline that i'm acutely aware of at this moment in time

this is just what we do

every day

play a game

ruthless

every day

This is just how life is right now.
Where even am i in this life
I sit and I stress and I cope and I try not to shut down
I try to be regular
because that's what the regular people do

this is
every
day

the timeline

should it change?

i am sure it should in some way

i don't know what

I just sit with it

Here

In the complicated parameters of existence that I've been supplanted.

i can write some thoughts down

you know

I tried to pay

I asked for the venmo.

I wanted to pay.

It was just real life.

I feel complicated.

Writing these words, because they are coming to me

This is every day

now! to be fair

too be fair.......

i sit with it

decaying every day

everything is fluctuating in directions that I don't quite understand. I'm tired

I'm so tired

I want to get in my bed

and go away into a hundred slices

// \ // \

writing
because what else can I do
I don't want to move right now

this is just how i exist in life, and i don't know why

a very complicated array of things that have brought me to this location

to be fair

to be fair....

I just happen to be thinking about this right now

I could disappear into some mundane activity right now if I wanted to.

Turn off.

Process Content.

I need help with my thing

She can help me with the thing

I'm thankful because I can sit here

i want to help do something

i need to do something

i'm tired

i need to get in the bed

i. did too much already today

i'm tired

so tired

i want to go in there turn on some music and turn off

just like i did on the train today

this is just life

i'm writing it down right now

i'm very scared to exist in life right now

i want to go to bed

this is too much

i want to turn off....
process content

i'm tired

this is just every day life

every day happens but i don't feel like i'm aging

like my body is noticably gettting shittier , i don't understand how to proceed in this instance

i have some kind of condition that makes me this way

this is just every day life

it never ends

sometimes i want it to end

turn off

tired

at the end someone's gonna come get me

and i'm going to have different this

different this

this is just what ishappening around me right now

i love everybody

my mind just gets confused and stressed trying to make sense of all of the social intricacies of the current

what's happening right now

i need to quit

i'm so tired

the birthday

i fucked up with the birthday

i keep doing that

they just keep passing by

and i'm just here for it

one a plane.

i'm so tired

i need to dissociate

i need to disappear

not be perceived

this is just what happens

when i try to grab on to this one cool little piece of life

vulnerable

having fun

existing

riding the train

as my mom would say

these are thoughts that are just happening

it's never ending

and i sit with it

stimming

rocking

vibrating

stopping the perception of time

usueless to personhood

i do nothing

i sit with it

this is real life

and it doesn't get to go away

11-17-21

I'm pretty sure I'm having those weird audial hallucinations where when I'm really anxious on the brink of shutdown and i hear every sound in the room as people talking shit about me, usually in ways that are related to my current status and how I'm being perceived at that time.

like wow she just definitely stopped talking like is she even hearing or paying attention to anything outside of her head she's just sitting there so awkwardly like she doesn't know how to be a human in a room full of other humans

idk, more specific things than that in the moment that i become acutely aware of

11-17-21

if i feel like there are different identities which sometimes i do sometimes it seems unreal today would definitely be the child day. my tummy has been hurting all day and i just felt sick and in pain so i laid in bed after falling asleep in a chair. the bed was way better and i had blankets and my stuff i es and right now I'm drinking apple juice from a sippy. i use them because i shake and spill a lot but also... undermining adulthood in real time. i have a Real Reason and a squishy reason. i was doing a lot of hands and body stimming today to try to make me feel better. after the tummy pain went away i got the squirmies. they always make me feel really cute UwU

the body is 31

the mind age varies. never been 31 though. there are compartments that are all figuring out how to take care at different moments in time.

noises have been bothering me. everytime i hear dishes i have an anxiety attack and the immediate shame of not doing enough. like obviously they are doing dishes loudly to make me feel bad about being useless

i never know which one is the real one

i wish there was nothing left for my mom to complain about. every other sentence just oozes of coulda shoulda about every innocuous environmental variable of how something should have been better (if only one of us cared about this one detail as much as her)

i had to put myself in timeout yesterday because i almost split on my mom. she was talking about the Rittenhouse trial and literally everything real i try to conversation about she feels like I'm just telling her that she's wrong. when really i thought we were just bullshitting about a subject but then she gets this incredulous look on her face and shuts down, i thought we were having a conversation about some real shit and then suddenly she's just ignoring me I'm like fuck.... so yeah i said something snotty and went to my room until dinner because i really didn't want to get shitty but i could feel the energy building up. once again this feels like a completely separate person that pops up every once in a while to fuck some shit up

i wish i could just be one

like why would i ever bring anyone into this and subject them to my bullshit ever again, it went so well the last time i was with someone and my identity got more complicated than assigned defective gender at birth

nobody wants to deal with a grown person that acts like differently aged people with wild abandon on random. especially nobody wants to be their partners parent

because that's definitely what i want right? think about all the people who complain about their SO not being mature enough. well only parts of me are mature enough and i can't guarantee parts

there has to be at least one special person or queer poly fam that doesn't care who i am on any given day they are just ready to support me unconditionally.

that's the problem with humans though, they lie so i could never really trust the words. people are out here lying all the time and as a person who cannot lie, i find it really confusing

i had a whole tumblr filled with system thoughts
and then I deleted it because of anxiety. much like how i lock my social media because of anxiety and intrusive thoughts. but that could have been a trove of information to read about later because i don't remember useful details

then suddenly i have intrusive thoughts of potentially embarrassing things and i make that uncomfortable noise and try to banish the scene from my mind

(it never works, there's always more cringe)

11-20-21

more mindfulness = more stressful
more mindfulness = more to analyze
more mindfulness = takes so much energy and focus

a lot of my energy is wasted just dealing with existing in this world
when I spend energy being mindful, I get overloaded
and then i just shut down for days

then i come out of the haze and have a day where i just do some shit that needed to get done
it's like i was using it to cope because awareness of everything at all times isn't that great
how do i balance it with, i need to learn these things, i need to be a better person,
i need to be a positive change for the world, i need to be more useful, i need to know about the bad things
the bad things that are happening, so I can Know, because I don't physically engage the collective conscious very well

i tweet things, i talk out loud, i experience the things going on in my house
i feel like i'm just watching...

stuck here, too stressed out to try to have new people in my life
i'm already exhausted
i don't do anything useful
and yet i am still exhausted

theres a contradiction right there

i need to do more things, just being in your head is bad for you, everyone in the world thinks people like you are weird at best, or a net energy-suck on the world, not worth engaging, too idealistic, too uncompromising,
too static, too lazy, "terminally online," "go touch grass," "why don't you just go be in real life," "cope"

i have anxiety so bad

going out there takes so much energy
trying to relate to other people other than the Trusted Few just kills me
and even relating to them at times is very very hard
the good thing though, is the Trusted Few, are more likely to not judge me
and know that i am always here in the room if i'm not always here in the room
i may not be talking or saying anything

but if i'm not focused on anything in particular and not dissociating i'm watching
i see everything that happens
i don't remember it for very long because fewer things make it into new memory for me anymore
but remember i was always there for it

i may literally hear you tell me about it again, and it will feel like new to me anyway
i only have so much bandwidth for perception
and so I try to be very specific in my perception
this is purely an optimization problem of using the right amount of energy to understand and remember the right amount of things

because remembering things takes a couple other steps for me
i have to put it in language in some way
something that i can find again in an amount of time
so that i remember oh yes, this was a thing i was doing

siri+alexa augment my ability on this, because sometimes i can't physically type or write something down
i tell them to remind me
i tell them to set an alarm
wow, so that's the deepest level i ever got with their augmentation
it's clear that i've just been using this to get by
every data point connected so i can look at it in the future at some time
it's like banking memory, when I can have within my technology devices
it's more likely to get remembered
the calendar
the notes
the reminders
the alarms

that's just for the stuff that gets me by though and keeping track of the extra perception with the assistants does take as much working memory as i can muster

the trello
the group chat
the messages
the twitter history
the folder of facebook data just in case I want to remember one day
i don't have an account anymore, but i definitely got my data (and they probably still do too)
the folder of programming projects i've engaged in over the years
the folder of music projects that has grown across setups
the playlists that influenced the state of mind i was in during certain time periods
now it's the raspberry pi that is going to hold all of the default shows and movies that all had their own time period
so i can watch, and maybe remember a piece of time from another point in my life
the notebooks i have from my extensive time as a Mad Woman
the mindfulness bit that makes me tired

they say that we need to arm people. i agree in theory, but only in the theory of an uprising against universal oppressors, and not so much the "we're white, we're christian, we're capitalist ingrained, we're the most advanced people that have ever existed so we will prevail because we are unquestionably great by default" way

they are both reactions
one is a reaction to literally being wiped out
the other is a reaction to the growing awareness that they aren't the center of the universe

you tell me which one is just

to propose them as opposite equals is just a complete farce
it would require to applying this idea to others with which at a first order explanation are "opposites" and so therefore they are "both sides"

you have to really work into this logic, but with more information
what are the two sides to this hypothetical
can we even agree what those two sides are?
what are the details of the sides?
Can we agree now that after investigating that they might not be equals and framing the question like that really just distracts us from what's actually happening materially around us?
The idea that there are always 2 clean sides to a problem has created more problems than it's trying to solve
Trying to explain anything simply so people can understand in an instant is likely to fail under any scrutiny
Most of the time you just have to ask one more question about the sides to find that it's not as clean cut as you would like

Watching Luna Oi is helping me to understand this contradiction
Dialectical Materialism

11-21-21

idk why it's so stressful to be perceived
the things that happened today were wild
i can't believe it was me in those situations
le milieu social

anxiety and then
anxiety
and then

anxiety and when thought maybe relief
no.. more anxiety

thoughts are starting to flail now, need to pay absolutely attention to one thing for a minute to calm down

and then that thing ends with a cop running my plates while perpendicular behind my car in a parking lot, all because i was watching out for a person that just looked like they were stimming

she kept saying "oh my God oh mu god this is so exciting" but just moving around in rhythms

i Understood these rhythms because when I'm not too mindful and too self conscious i like to shake my body in consensual rhythms that feel really nice, as opposed to the nonconsensual rhythms of normal

so there i was

watching because the cops had been called and i don't trust them with the well-being of this person

then the cop started staring me down

This was the pinnacle of anxiety that ended in my saying "you aren't going to be fuckin with her are you??" and then the staredown continued well after the cop forcefully grunted "have a nice day" and i got back in mom's car

that was just the beginning of this interaction
this person pulled the cop car up, right behind our car and specifically so there wasn't enough room to leave for some Minutes while we have this mirror staredown

i watched this motherfucker look over to the computer, type some shit in, called it in, then just looked back at the car

ran my plates just for lookin out

i wish i hadn't been so fucked up at the time and in a whole layer of situations because i should have just talked to her

after some time she walked away from the cops down the sidewalk, the cop pulled forward and we were joined by a cop SUV

Tukwila police here to fuck some shit up

Now that i could move, I drove off in the opposite direction than the cops and that was as much attention i could muster for that situation so i started nonconsensually dissociating while going into auto pilot mode

i can work systems (driving for example)
but taking in New Experiences is not enough cycles

this was definitely a new experience since i never leave the house

It's at this point that assholes hearing this story will go "but she's clearly mentally ill and on drugs..." and expand on that with some statist diatribe

who cares what she's doing, she was literally sitting chilling stimming chatting in her own world not bothering a damn person

nope her existence was just a spectacle to be figured out for all the regulars and a couple of the dangerous but want us to believe they aren't

I should have asked if she was good or needed a ride instead of popping off at the cop. it wasn't raining, it wasn't particularly cold, she was sitting on a curb when mom and i walked up, just minding her own business, she wasn't saying anything alarming, she wasn't threatening, it didn't seem like there was a medical situation because she genuinely seemed excited about something good

we went into starbies and i watched the whole time in there until some lady ran in and started making a scene to the barista which then got more people in the shop pulled into this situation that the cops showed up for because they were called

But this situation was on top of all those other situations and i stayed in it as long as i could

i just hope she's safe somewhere
i just hope they are all safe somewhere

11-22-21

ahhhhhhhhhhhbhhhhbhhbb

all i wanted was pizza

all i wanted

stress anxiety day

at least most of therapy was good
only shaking and anxiety
and now i don't even know what i talked about today
i wish i could remember
i think i only talked about 10% of the things i wanted to
i guess i just talked about shit
i hugged zephyr the whole time
rocking back and forth
in the waiting area she says she liked my shoes
i too like my shoes
the only thing i could figure out to talk about them was that they were on sale

why
idk what one replies to interactifs like this
all i took away was that i reacted so awkwardly and i zoned out

she knew that i wasn't really a person
i was just playing one on tv

I'm so tired
i wish my sessions were like 5 hours longer because it feels cathartic
i literally just rambled and they just reassured me

that was the best
it's so simple
très simple
but just that amount of being validated is something i wish i could turn into a drug
would it be addiction
or would it be how life is supposed to be in the first place

now it turns out one has to be around people to do this
but I'm so afraid of being inadequate
and judged early

i rarely talk first
just staying in my head

maybe that's why i stopped creating
because I might be perceived
when I'd rather disappear into space
crafting my own narrative
coping

so tired

11-22-21

my mind was spiraling tonight
earlier was good
even though I'm feeling very self conscious
like
what if I'm doing it wrong
i just ramble
i get told good things but the only things i can feel are deep worry
about whether or not I'm succeeding at acting like a person
I'm tired
and want to cry
but i can't
maybe sleep will come
am i touch deprived

probably

i wish i had someone to cuddle me to sleep
i wish i could cut
there's a knife right over there
i just have to get out of bed

yet I'm stationary
i want to leave
i feel nauseous
i can hear my muscles in my ear vibrating

well I'm just laying here listening to tear drop
pacifying myself
literally
i always feel better when i can hold something in my mouth
i wish the way i did it could just be regular
but all i feel is shame
in here
in my blankets
with my stuffies
and my pillows
and my paci
went to bed early because I'm tired
and want to bleed
so hopefully i can find sleep
so i don't get out of bed
to get that knife
it's rainbow
it makes me aesthetically pleased
it makes me feel safe
even though it could definitely kill me

want to be safe from external threats
but threats from myself is another thing
something i can indefinitely control

"self care"

privilege

i actually saw red earlier
all because domino's decided to fuck around

all i wanted was that taste
a comforting taste

11-23-21

not in a good place today
woke up just to fuck some shit up
the inside of my mouth is sore
taste stimming as much as i could today

sour patch with the pink lemonade
clove cigs
rainbow sherbet
mochi
parmesan and sharp cheddar cheezits
monster

the contradictions that I'm living in are untenable
i am a piece of shit who does nothing
Billy is literally working for Scott because he has to
He didn't get paid today because Scott fucked up and this was about to cause some shit
Billy and his family live paycheck to paycheck
he was literally screwed for a week if he didn't get money today
i said something and we gave him $200
he says he is going to pay it back
and it was accepted
but this motherfucker just bought another big ass tv instead of trying to fix the one we have
1000+ dollars that didn't need to be spent meanwhile Billy is screwed for the week without getting money
from doing labor
technically for our contractor who was paid in the hundred thousands
to remodel the house
in the middle of a pandemic
in the middle of an economic and mental depression
people lost their homes their lives and their livelihoods
people were forced into dangerous working conditions
he worked from home or not at all (clarify: no judgement)
and made several hundred thousand
during a pandemic
added several hundred thousand in value to a house he owns
through the welfare of Amazon
during a pandemic
and Billy is over here painting and doing all kinds of shit for us
and would be screwed if he didn't get paid 200 for the week

and i just sit there
doing my own computer nonsense
playing an instrument
or just dissociating to intervention or something else on repeat

while 20ft away from me, someone is doing physical labor on the house i live in
away from his family
at 200 a week
living paycheck to paycheck

I'm taking dabs and eating air fried popcorn chicken
or doing some meaningless math exercise
pounding on the piano
for 300 a week
where i only pay 1/4 of my money to rent
and just hemorrhage the rest because food and shelter and relative safety come included in my rent

And this motherfucker is just talking openly about wanton wasting of resources
because he wanted something
that he could have already had
if we just fixed it

i hid under my blanket and rocked and just tried to get the bad thoughts to go away

"smoke em if you got em"
cloves
set me right back in the hospital
the things i smoked because i wanted to go outside
i don't even have a nicotine habit like the other people in my family
but having those

the taste
the smell
and i was right back there
walking back and forth
smoking on some cloves

not really understanding the context of which i was marinating in

would i have been safe if i weren't in there?
well we will never know will we
it sounds so fake
"grippy sock vacation"

but had i lived in a different zipcode
it could've been jail

i don't like these contradictions
they really break my brain
and cause me to judge my own existence

i want to cry

i want pain

well i did it
more scratches than anything
suction bruises
superficial lesions

i'll just tell them i ran into a door

11-24-21

i didn't take my meds
i didn't sleep right
my head is killing me
feeling the sting of self harm
except not the Real kind
just the attention seeking kind
scratches and bruises

at least that's what my college roommate would tell me
she was very worried about attention seeking
and would fish it out of any situation whether it existed or not

but really i did it to shut my brain off for a minute
to stop the intrusive thoughts
to have that one thing to focus on

I'm tired of existing
the contradictions are too much

11-26-21

we're all busy bargaining for another day
doing things materially
and in the aether synergistically
we're left to deal with that bargaining
when we're alone
that time when just enough nothing is happening and one can

think

when laying in bed
processing the vibe around
and either planning for bargaining for the next day

or bargaining with oneself to justify the bargains that brought us to now

a moment when one stops and questions the events of one's existence

is this a thing the regulars experience?

we experience this repeatedly

we can never be quite sure what our state is
with respect to the world
there are too many variables
when other consciousness is introduced

as much as we want predictability
from other beings
many tend to act erratically
and often without thought to the world around them

another thing we can't comprehend
we overanalyze everything around us
extensively
until the brain gives up

shutting down functional abilities
going into emergency override
where we cease to exist within this world
and float off into the firmament

basic functioning
still in tact
fae is breathing
faer eyes are blinking
fae is unresponsive

there is a realm
where things are being perceived
that cannot be sensed
in physical space by another

whole worlds are built
consciousness is realized
narratives are produced
epistemology is explored
shards of souls are touched

but in there
the only surprises are good
production value is unimportant
bodily limits are superceded
existentialism is uncomplicated
loneliness and touch starvation go on holiday

time ceases to be a traitor

this is the grove we retreat to
when all things physical
are unimportant enough to be ignored

whether that's reality or not
it doesn't matter
it's understood that it is safe
a refuge
from the perpetual worry

that a physical being
has to realize
has to cope
has to adjust
has to react
has to

bargain

now imagine this phenomenon
but happening with abandon
without a choice

and not just when
in a bed

no possible étiquette for what time
what place
what people
what environment
what situation

is this a thing the regulars experience

then the constant dilemma
when it's not happening
of when it will happen again
it's unsurprising that anxiety is in control
some minutes? some hours? some days?

who knows how long autopilot has even lasted before
who knows when autopilot will be available
who knows if any energy will be dispensed
any effort be made
any events just pass by

we likely won't

and then we have to be in the world
to pick up the pieces
to clear the destruction
from our mental disappearance

until the next Time

is this a thing the regulars experience

11-28-21

I'm uncomfortable with the fact
that people can see me from the street

it makes me self conscious of my general existence

somebody looking in could easily surveil me
if somebody really wanted to
if the neighbors really wanted to
(because their big open front window
looks directly in our big open front window)
if a potential bad actor
wanted to put things together
fuck with my life

it would be so easy right now
they would see me exist in one general area of the house 75% of the time (the remaining 25% in my room)
i sit here
in this bouncy chair
staring at some combination of screens
having weed
under a fuzzy or heavy blanket
often holding a stuffie
drinking white monster constantly
it's 0 calories
it has no sugar
it has a completely regular taste
slightly lemon lime
slightly sweet
fizzy
cold
acidic
in a can
so there's less chance of spilling
but also not an unwieldy implement
for holding a liquid until the liquid is consumed
and i have to spend zero seconds thinking about the problem of the body constantly needing fluid or shall it perish

i eat food
once a day
usually not prepared by me
though almost always within my eating limits

it doesn't have to be this way but i don't know how to make it not be this way
because as a living being
one should be providing sustenance for itself
because without it you die

if it stopped i could adapt
go back to the way it was before
when i also ate once a day
usually some cheap bullshit
processed food and soda because sugar = energy

i would sustain

would it be good
or healthy?

is it ableism that makes that matter?

i would sustain
just like I'm sustaining now
my time patterns would rearrange
which over time is fine

at least now i get a cooked meal that varies
once a day

and then i eat more indulgent processed bullshit

because it makes it seem better

is it classism
learned from Midwest rugged individualism

is it ableism
to think one should eat "better"

is it ableism that the fact that food appears
and i eat the food
makes me completely uncomfortable
because i should be Doing Things
for the food
should

it's what is happening
and i have been sustaining

because i don't have to think
because thinking takes energy
the exact energy
that we are already lacking

the type of energy
that leaving requires
that moving requires
that socialising requires

when i can still engage systems
because systems are known
systems are logical
systems can be reasoned about
systems that can distract me
from the fraught contradiction
that my material conditions provide me
the very contradiction
that causes me distress
because i have it so easy
yet i find reasons to self harm

the world isn't eminently trying to kill me
so I'll do some shit myself to make it worse

11-29-21

i waited until the end to show my arm
it's not that i'm ashamed
i just know other people will worry more than me

just like when I eat "not enough"
or "not healthy"
It takes spoons

sitting here with my
unbrushed
unwashed hair

i can only leave it up in a bun so long
if it's not high enough
it makes my head hurt

so i let it down
with all its knots
and tangles

i can run my fingers through it
and get rid of as many tangles
as i can get ahold of

it should be alarming
that there's this much hair
that either gets pulled

or broken
it's a lot that
is not attached to me anymore

should i be alarmed
or is it just a regular
amount of hair to lose

over a few days
that are coming out now
all at once

under a blanket
stimming with zephyr
rocking back and forth

i wonder what things
i talked about today
i know it was about
5% of the amount

i am supposed to message
and should probably resched instead of skip
why am i stressed out about the social
implications that this situation requires

distracting noises
that make me think i'm in trouble
i hear dishes being banged
and silverware scraping

it's really loud
and makes me feel negatively
because perhaps it should be me
that is banging on the dishes

i'm so fucking tired
just really really tired
being out in the out
really drains my spoons

i wish i had someone
that just listens to my bullshit
until there's no more bullshit
because even an hour feels like a miracle

it's really nice
to just be heard

when i can get myself
to become okay with being perceived
in a judgement free zone
with a Specific Reason

i just ramble endlessly at random every thought that happens to show up in my brain
there's supposed to be a goal
supposedly

maybe it's okay that it's not concrete
maybe it's helpful to them
to just get the thoughts out there
cuz even if i prep i end up wandering

would it be helpful to just share
reckless outflows of written words

i don't know what's socially acceptable
i don't know what level of connection
is going to be the wrong level of connection
that gets me dropped into the wild again
because i just simply become too much
maybe that's why i don't share much with the regulars
at what point will this person not want to have anything to do with me anymore
because i don't know how many times that has happened
and it will happen again
there is a time out there in the future
when something is going to change
and it's going to fuck me sideways again
then i will run away
because it got too good
and then fell apart
so i have to create some chaos
instead of just dealing