11-22-21

my mind was spiraling tonight
earlier was good
even though I'm feeling very self conscious
like
what if I'm doing it wrong
i just ramble
i get told good things but the only things i can feel are deep worry
about whether or not I'm succeeding at acting like a person
I'm tired
and want to cry
but i can't
maybe sleep will come
am i touch deprived

probably

i wish i had someone to cuddle me to sleep
i wish i could cut
there's a knife right over there
i just have to get out of bed

yet I'm stationary
i want to leave
i feel nauseous
i can hear my muscles in my ear vibrating

well I'm just laying here listening to tear drop
pacifying myself
literally
i always feel better when i can hold something in my mouth
i wish the way i did it could just be regular
but all i feel is shame
in here
in my blankets
with my stuffies
and my pillows
and my paci
went to bed early because I'm tired
and want to bleed
so hopefully i can find sleep
so i don't get out of bed
to get that knife
it's rainbow
it makes me aesthetically pleased
it makes me feel safe
even though it could definitely kill me

want to be safe from external threats
but threats from myself is another thing
something i can indefinitely control

"self care"

privilege

i actually saw red earlier
all because domino's decided to fuck around

all i wanted was that taste
a comforting taste