11-23-21

not in a good place today
woke up just to fuck some shit up
the inside of my mouth is sore
taste stimming as much as i could today

sour patch with the pink lemonade
clove cigs
rainbow sherbet
mochi
parmesan and sharp cheddar cheezits
monster

the contradictions that I'm living in are untenable
i am a piece of shit who does nothing
Billy is literally working for Scott because he has to
He didn't get paid today because Scott fucked up and this was about to cause some shit
Billy and his family live paycheck to paycheck
he was literally screwed for a week if he didn't get money today
i said something and we gave him $200
he says he is going to pay it back
and it was accepted
but this motherfucker just bought another big ass tv instead of trying to fix the one we have
1000+ dollars that didn't need to be spent meanwhile Billy is screwed for the week without getting money
from doing labor
technically for our contractor who was paid in the hundred thousands
to remodel the house
in the middle of a pandemic
in the middle of an economic and mental depression
people lost their homes their lives and their livelihoods
people were forced into dangerous working conditions
he worked from home or not at all (clarify: no judgement)
and made several hundred thousand
during a pandemic
added several hundred thousand in value to a house he owns
through the welfare of Amazon
during a pandemic
and Billy is over here painting and doing all kinds of shit for us
and would be screwed if he didn't get paid 200 for the week

and i just sit there
doing my own computer nonsense
playing an instrument
or just dissociating to intervention or something else on repeat

while 20ft away from me, someone is doing physical labor on the house i live in
away from his family
at 200 a week
living paycheck to paycheck

I'm taking dabs and eating air fried popcorn chicken
or doing some meaningless math exercise
pounding on the piano
for 300 a week
where i only pay 1/4 of my money to rent
and just hemorrhage the rest because food and shelter and relative safety come included in my rent

And this motherfucker is just talking openly about wanton wasting of resources
because he wanted something
that he could have already had
if we just fixed it

i hid under my blanket and rocked and just tried to get the bad thoughts to go away

"smoke em if you got em"
cloves
set me right back in the hospital
the things i smoked because i wanted to go outside
i don't even have a nicotine habit like the other people in my family
but having those

the taste
the smell
and i was right back there
walking back and forth
smoking on some cloves

not really understanding the context of which i was marinating in

would i have been safe if i weren't in there?
well we will never know will we
it sounds so fake
"grippy sock vacation"

but had i lived in a different zipcode
it could've been jail

i don't like these contradictions
they really break my brain
and cause me to judge my own existence

i want to cry

i want pain

well i did it
more scratches than anything
suction bruises
superficial lesions

i'll just tell them i ran into a door