i finally slept after 38 hours of being awake took my meds it was probably the melatonin maybe it's a thing that works how it is supposed to i was on trazodone for sleep once that shit always worked and once I took it I was on a countdown if i didn't make it to my bed i was sleeping wherever i dropped maybe melatonin isn't as heavy maybe it wasn't that and i just sleeped because it had been 38 hours i have a feeling that's not what happened because i was going so hard just awake medicating the...

i think December just gets to be perpetually shitty in my brain it's all just decaying breaking out as many of the maladaptive coping skills as i can to dig out of this mind hole it's supposed to be all happy family time and I'm just trying to ruin everything on purpose (i know that's a cognitive distortion) (i don't functionally have control of what the awful anxiety inducing images and feelings and voices tell me) sometimes i need to make it stop now or i might just do something mo...

Everything below this is opposite of blog order starting at 11-14 to 12-3 ...

paranoid paranoid paranoid paranoid why did u say all those things to many things for so soon this is literally going to be the reason u get abandoned again tooo many deep thoughts went too hard on that first one there oh shit why did i say all those things what even is my brain why does it have to be this way shitty shitty shitty shitty too much trauma so little time too much madness it's not going to be fine ever this is how it will be until you die is like one time you figured out how to deal...

so... baked. because of course. there's nothing wrong with that. some people understand it on a different level than other things. this creates complications in life that can be very confusing in the time that they are happening. my... mind is on fire, my being is asleep . rocking rocking rocking oh boy these brownies were a little too much, I cede. We didn't know what we had. I'm rocking rocking rocking scared disillusioned tired very tired vibrating over time analyzing that i don...

I'm pretty sure I'm having those weird audial hallucinations where when I'm really anxious on the brink of shutdown and i hear every sound in the room as people talking shit about me, usually in ways that are related to my current status and how I'm being perceived at that time. like wow she just definitely stopped talking like is she even hearing or paying attention to anything outside of her head she's just sitting there so awkwardly like she doesn't know how to be a human in a room full of o...

if i feel like there are different identities which sometimes i do sometimes it seems unreal today would definitely be the child day. my tummy has been hurting all day and i just felt sick and in pain so i laid in bed after falling asleep in a chair. the bed was way better and i had blankets and my stuff i es and right now I'm drinking apple juice from a sippy. i use them because i shake and spill a lot but also... undermining adulthood in real time. i have a Real Reason and a squishy reason. i ...

more mindfulness = more stressful more mindfulness = more to analyze more mindfulness = takes so much energy and focus a lot of my energy is wasted just dealing with existing in this world when I spend energy being mindful, I get overloaded and then i just shut down for days then i come out of the haze and have a day where i just do some shit that needed to get done it's like i was using it to cope because awareness of everything at all times isn't that great how do i balance it with, i need t...

idk why it's so stressful to be perceived the things that happened today were wild i can't believe it was me in those situations le milieu social anxiety and then anxiety and then anxiety and when thought maybe relief no.. more anxiety thoughts are starting to flail now, need to pay absolutely attention to one thing for a minute to calm down and then that thing ends with a cop running my plates while perpendicular behind my car in a parking lot, all because i was watching out for a p...

ahhhhhhhhhhhbhhhhbhhbb all i wanted was pizza all i wanted stress anxiety day at least most of therapy was good only shaking and anxiety and now i don't even know what i talked about today i wish i could remember i think i only talked about 10% of the things i wanted to i guess i just talked about shit i hugged zephyr the whole time rocking back and forth in the waiting area she says she liked my shoes i too like my shoes the only thing i could figure out to talk about them was ...

my mind was spiraling tonight earlier was good even though I'm feeling very self conscious like what if I'm doing it wrong i just ramble i get told good things but the only things i can feel are deep worry about whether or not I'm succeeding at acting like a person I'm tired and want to cry but i can't maybe sleep will come am i touch deprived probably i wish i had someone to cuddle me to sleep i wish i could cut there's a knife right over there i just have to get out of bed y...

not in a good place today woke up just to fuck some shit up the inside of my mouth is sore taste stimming as much as i could today sour patch with the pink lemonade clove cigs rainbow sherbet mochi parmesan and sharp cheddar cheezits monster the contradictions that I'm living in are untenable i am a piece of shit who does nothing Billy is literally working for Scott because he has to He didn't get paid today because Scott fucked up and this was about to cause some shit Billy and his ...

i didn't take my meds i didn't sleep right my head is killing me feeling the sting of self harm except not the Real kind just the attention seeking kind scratches and bruises at least that's what my college roommate would tell me she was very worried about attention seeking and would fish it out of any situation whether it existed or not but really i did it to shut my brain off for a minute to stop the intrusive thoughts to have that one thing to focus on I'm tired of existing th...

we're all busy bargaining for another day doing things materially and in the aether synergistically we're left to deal with that bargaining when we're alone that time when just enough nothing is happening and one can think when laying in bed processing the vibe around and either planning for bargaining for the next day or bargaining with oneself to justify the bargains that brought us to now a moment when one stops and questions the events of one's existence is this a thing the reg...

I'm uncomfortable with the fact that people can see me from the street it makes me self conscious of my general existence somebody looking in could easily surveil me if somebody really wanted to if the neighbors really wanted to (because their big open front window looks directly in our big open front window) if a potential bad actor wanted to put things together fuck with my life it would be so easy right now they would see me exist in one general area of the house 75% of the time ...

i waited until the end to show my arm it's not that i'm ashamed i just know other people will worry more than me just like when I eat "not enough" or "not healthy" It takes spoons sitting here with my unbrushed unwashed hair i can only leave it up in a bun so long if it's not high enough it makes my head hurt so i let it down with all its knots and tangles i can run my fingers through it and get rid of as many tangles as i can get ahold of it should be alarming that there's this much hair ...

the tear drop Spotify Playlist is too real i keep listening to it "I'm not alright" "You can see the pain in my laugh (Yeah, yeah) Demons comin' back from the past (Yeah, yeah) Feelin' like I'm 'bout to relapse (Yeah, yeah) Voices in my head (Yeah, yeah) All I can hear them say (Yeah, yeah) Is everyone wants me dead (Yeah, yeah) Bitch, I'm already dead (Yeah, yeah) I've been dead for years" -juice wrld wow uhhh yeah though I'm not specifically suicidal shit just gets intense and i need...

my legs are killing me tonight i painted my nails again i got black cuz that's where I'm at my shaking was bad i painted my fingers fucking frustrating then i have to get the excess off my skin without messing up the good there's always spots where i got a little too much kinda like when i pick the skin on my feet i get a little much and then it bleeds and stings for the next day i stop for about three seconds then my fingers start looking for another piece to grab and pull it...

so i watched girl interrupted again lets see what thoughts and memories this can elicit since I heavily remember things referentially it's interesting to see between the characters which one is my current phase obviously there's a lot with susanna that i heavily identify with i did the hospital circuit in western missouri/eastern kansas and i can remember times when I was Lisa though the difference is i only had a person with me for 48 hours straight and was only in the hospital for 22 days a...

Are we outsourcing the inconvenience of redistributing resources when we take things to the thrift shop? We are giving the items to these companies for free, kind of at random, and they "process" them, and sell them for their own profit to poor people. Is this transfer of the inconvenience to a private company's profit off poor people ethically sound? Is our inconvenience worth more than profit off of the poor and destitute? How can we fix this subjugation? By mutual aid. That's how ...