11-20-21

more mindfulness = more stressful
more mindfulness = more to analyze
more mindfulness = takes so much energy and focus

a lot of my energy is wasted just dealing with existing in this world
when I spend energy being mindful, I get overloaded
and then i just shut down for days

then i come out of the haze and have a day where i just do some shit that needed to get done
it's like i was using it to cope because awareness of everything at all times isn't that great
how do i balance it with, i need to learn these things, i need to be a better person,
i need to be a positive change for the world, i need to be more useful, i need to know about the bad things
the bad things that are happening, so I can Know, because I don't physically engage the collective conscious very well

i tweet things, i talk out loud, i experience the things going on in my house
i feel like i'm just watching...

stuck here, too stressed out to try to have new people in my life
i'm already exhausted
i don't do anything useful
and yet i am still exhausted

theres a contradiction right there

i need to do more things, just being in your head is bad for you, everyone in the world thinks people like you are weird at best, or a net energy-suck on the world, not worth engaging, too idealistic, too uncompromising,
too static, too lazy, "terminally online," "go touch grass," "why don't you just go be in real life," "cope"

i have anxiety so bad

going out there takes so much energy
trying to relate to other people other than the Trusted Few just kills me
and even relating to them at times is very very hard
the good thing though, is the Trusted Few, are more likely to not judge me
and know that i am always here in the room if i'm not always here in the room
i may not be talking or saying anything

but if i'm not focused on anything in particular and not dissociating i'm watching
i see everything that happens
i don't remember it for very long because fewer things make it into new memory for me anymore
but remember i was always there for it

i may literally hear you tell me about it again, and it will feel like new to me anyway
i only have so much bandwidth for perception
and so I try to be very specific in my perception
this is purely an optimization problem of using the right amount of energy to understand and remember the right amount of things

because remembering things takes a couple other steps for me
i have to put it in language in some way
something that i can find again in an amount of time
so that i remember oh yes, this was a thing i was doing

siri+alexa augment my ability on this, because sometimes i can't physically type or write something down
i tell them to remind me
i tell them to set an alarm
wow, so that's the deepest level i ever got with their augmentation
it's clear that i've just been using this to get by
every data point connected so i can look at it in the future at some time
it's like banking memory, when I can have within my technology devices
it's more likely to get remembered
the calendar
the notes
the reminders
the alarms

that's just for the stuff that gets me by though and keeping track of the extra perception with the assistants does take as much working memory as i can muster

the trello
the group chat
the messages
the twitter history
the folder of facebook data just in case I want to remember one day
i don't have an account anymore, but i definitely got my data (and they probably still do too)
the folder of programming projects i've engaged in over the years
the folder of music projects that has grown across setups
the playlists that influenced the state of mind i was in during certain time periods
now it's the raspberry pi that is going to hold all of the default shows and movies that all had their own time period
so i can watch, and maybe remember a piece of time from another point in my life
the notebooks i have from my extensive time as a Mad Woman
the mindfulness bit that makes me tired

they say that we need to arm people. i agree in theory, but only in the theory of an uprising against universal oppressors, and not so much the "we're white, we're christian, we're capitalist ingrained, we're the most advanced people that have ever existed so we will prevail because we are unquestionably great by default" way

they are both reactions
one is a reaction to literally being wiped out
the other is a reaction to the growing awareness that they aren't the center of the universe

you tell me which one is just

to propose them as opposite equals is just a complete farce
it would require to applying this idea to others with which at a first order explanation are "opposites" and so therefore they are "both sides"

you have to really work into this logic, but with more information
what are the two sides to this hypothetical
can we even agree what those two sides are?
what are the details of the sides?
Can we agree now that after investigating that they might not be equals and framing the question like that really just distracts us from what's actually happening materially around us?
The idea that there are always 2 clean sides to a problem has created more problems than it's trying to solve
Trying to explain anything simply so people can understand in an instant is likely to fail under any scrutiny
Most of the time you just have to ask one more question about the sides to find that it's not as clean cut as you would like

Watching Luna Oi is helping me to understand this contradiction
Dialectical Materialism