11-21-21

idk why it's so stressful to be perceived
the things that happened today were wild
i can't believe it was me in those situations
le milieu social

anxiety and then
anxiety
and then

anxiety and when thought maybe relief
no.. more anxiety

thoughts are starting to flail now, need to pay absolutely attention to one thing for a minute to calm down

and then that thing ends with a cop running my plates while perpendicular behind my car in a parking lot, all because i was watching out for a person that just looked like they were stimming

she kept saying "oh my God oh mu god this is so exciting" but just moving around in rhythms

i Understood these rhythms because when I'm not too mindful and too self conscious i like to shake my body in consensual rhythms that feel really nice, as opposed to the nonconsensual rhythms of normal

so there i was

watching because the cops had been called and i don't trust them with the well-being of this person

then the cop started staring me down

This was the pinnacle of anxiety that ended in my saying "you aren't going to be fuckin with her are you??" and then the staredown continued well after the cop forcefully grunted "have a nice day" and i got back in mom's car

that was just the beginning of this interaction
this person pulled the cop car up, right behind our car and specifically so there wasn't enough room to leave for some Minutes while we have this mirror staredown

i watched this motherfucker look over to the computer, type some shit in, called it in, then just looked back at the car

ran my plates just for lookin out

i wish i hadn't been so fucked up at the time and in a whole layer of situations because i should have just talked to her

after some time she walked away from the cops down the sidewalk, the cop pulled forward and we were joined by a cop SUV

Tukwila police here to fuck some shit up

Now that i could move, I drove off in the opposite direction than the cops and that was as much attention i could muster for that situation so i started nonconsensually dissociating while going into auto pilot mode

i can work systems (driving for example)
but taking in New Experiences is not enough cycles

this was definitely a new experience since i never leave the house

It's at this point that assholes hearing this story will go "but she's clearly mentally ill and on drugs..." and expand on that with some statist diatribe

who cares what she's doing, she was literally sitting chilling stimming chatting in her own world not bothering a damn person

nope her existence was just a spectacle to be figured out for all the regulars and a couple of the dangerous but want us to believe they aren't

I should have asked if she was good or needed a ride instead of popping off at the cop. it wasn't raining, it wasn't particularly cold, she was sitting on a curb when mom and i walked up, just minding her own business, she wasn't saying anything alarming, she wasn't threatening, it didn't seem like there was a medical situation because she genuinely seemed excited about something good

we went into starbies and i watched the whole time in there until some lady ran in and started making a scene to the barista which then got more people in the shop pulled into this situation that the cops showed up for because they were called

But this situation was on top of all those other situations and i stayed in it as long as i could

i just hope she's safe somewhere
i just hope they are all safe somewhere