11-17-21

if i feel like there are different identities which sometimes i do sometimes it seems unreal today would definitely be the child day. my tummy has been hurting all day and i just felt sick and in pain so i laid in bed after falling asleep in a chair. the bed was way better and i had blankets and my stuff i es and right now I'm drinking apple juice from a sippy. i use them because i shake and spill a lot but also... undermining adulthood in real time. i have a Real Reason and a squishy reason. i was doing a lot of hands and body stimming today to try to make me feel better. after the tummy pain went away i got the squirmies. they always make me feel really cute UwU

the body is 31

the mind age varies. never been 31 though. there are compartments that are all figuring out how to take care at different moments in time.

noises have been bothering me. everytime i hear dishes i have an anxiety attack and the immediate shame of not doing enough. like obviously they are doing dishes loudly to make me feel bad about being useless

i never know which one is the real one

i wish there was nothing left for my mom to complain about. every other sentence just oozes of coulda shoulda about every innocuous environmental variable of how something should have been better (if only one of us cared about this one detail as much as her)

i had to put myself in timeout yesterday because i almost split on my mom. she was talking about the Rittenhouse trial and literally everything real i try to conversation about she feels like I'm just telling her that she's wrong. when really i thought we were just bullshitting about a subject but then she gets this incredulous look on her face and shuts down, i thought we were having a conversation about some real shit and then suddenly she's just ignoring me I'm like fuck.... so yeah i said something snotty and went to my room until dinner because i really didn't want to get shitty but i could feel the energy building up. once again this feels like a completely separate person that pops up every once in a while to fuck some shit up

i wish i could just be one

like why would i ever bring anyone into this and subject them to my bullshit ever again, it went so well the last time i was with someone and my identity got more complicated than assigned defective gender at birth

nobody wants to deal with a grown person that acts like differently aged people with wild abandon on random. especially nobody wants to be their partners parent

because that's definitely what i want right? think about all the people who complain about their SO not being mature enough. well only parts of me are mature enough and i can't guarantee parts

there has to be at least one special person or queer poly fam that doesn't care who i am on any given day they are just ready to support me unconditionally.

that's the problem with humans though, they lie so i could never really trust the words. people are out here lying all the time and as a person who cannot lie, i find it really confusing

i had a whole tumblr filled with system thoughts
and then I deleted it because of anxiety. much like how i lock my social media because of anxiety and intrusive thoughts. but that could have been a trove of information to read about later because i don't remember useful details

then suddenly i have intrusive thoughts of potentially embarrassing things and i make that uncomfortable noise and try to banish the scene from my mind

(it never works, there's always more cringe)