12-4-2021

i think December just gets to be perpetually shitty in my brain

it's all just decaying

breaking out as many of the maladaptive coping skills as i can to dig out of this mind hole

it's supposed to be all
happy family time
and I'm just trying
to ruin everything on purpose (i know that's a cognitive distortion)

(i don't functionally have control of what the awful anxiety inducing images and feelings and voices tell me)

sometimes i need to make it stop now
or i might just do something more ridiculous
that will affect others even more

i don't want to be in the hospital in December again
i must not be demonstrative
because they will just take me
i don't want to be in the hospital in December
it's covid still
i DO NOT WANT TO BE IN THE HOSPITAL IN DECEMBER AGAIN

I'm hearing everything critically
every noise
every word my mom says under her breath
every bang that happens
followed by a big sigh
I'm stuck so i am just here for it
i couldn't deal with the anxiety
of the social situation
and i just left this realm

the social situation

with my mom

because that's where we're at

she's literally making a Boston crème pie
for me
for my birthday
making exasperated sighs and noises
that i can only hear critically at this point

these things she is doing out loud
mean something
like... there's an underlying narrative
that just ends with me being a shitty person

can't move
felt like i should've helped
stuck here
zoning in and out of weeds
and hearing the noises
that have the other narrative
that ends in me being shitty
and i desperately
don't want to be shitty
it's only Dec 4
i cannot be melting down right now
this whole situation has me sideways
you really can't just say "hey can we ignore me getting older this year
because that would be great"

everybody has feelings about my birthday
and i just want to run
especially when i came at Thanksgiving with "It feels kinda weird to celebrate a génocide"
AND THEN I ATE IN A FUCKING RESTAURANT

HOW DOES ONE CONTRADICTION

I have control right now
I could just run the fuck away
I've done it before

Nobody has power of attorney so
i really could just fuck off

this is the reckless shit
that starts running
just completely batshit

so instead I'm going to play a game
and eat nothing
oh yeah and i haven't been asleep since
yesterday morning
ohhhh damn i bet that means I've missed two med times
well then
they think I'm fucking crazy

i don't want to believe it
but I've seen enough empirical data

And yeah, I know we aren't supposed to say crazy anymore, though it's technically a réclamation

mad woman

at least my body feels relatively right! 😰

must write words
to not do alternative
they are going to judge me so hard
if they notice fresher cuts
i want to be the bitch that doesn't care
it's my birthday
and i'll bleed if i want to
bleed if i want to
you would bleed too if it happened to you

i guess this makes me a lifer?
lol I'm sure that's very unhelpful
but even reframed in a more positive way
still comes out with me
dealing with this problem
chronically

15 years since the beginning of the fall
15 years is a lot
especially when i hang out with people 10 years younger than me
i don't like time
dysregulation