12-5-2021

i finally slept
after 38 hours of being awake
took my meds
it was probably the melatonin
maybe
it's a thing that works how it is supposed to
i was on trazodone for sleep once
that shit always worked
and once I took it I was on a countdown
if i didn't make it to my bed
i was sleeping wherever i dropped

maybe melatonin isn't as heavy
maybe it wasn't that
and i just sleeped because it had been 38 hours

i have a feeling
that's not what happened
because i was going so hard
just awake
medicating the thoughts away
i catastrophized the whole day
i'm pretty sure there were times when i was hallucinating
i was probably saying wild shit to barb
i thought my mom was angry with me
(i still kinda think this, though she finally talked to me after 2 days)
laura is coming today
sometime
we're "doing my birthday"
well
they're doing my birthday
and i'm just going to be here for it
though
i am going to consume an enormous amount of thai food
we never get it
because it doesn't agree with my mom
i asked for it
because i'm supposed to do that for my birthday
i'm going to have like 45 skewers of satay
and 6 whole orders of crispy garlic chicken
the best breading texture on any chicken ever
jasmine rice

shaking

instead of just letting it happen
i'm focusing it into specific stims
because at least it's useful then
2⁵

i got the weighted blanket out
for the first time in a while

so i'm just under 15 pounds now
covering my body all the way up to my arms
i have this octopus
letting my vision phase in and out
weeds on the tv
sitting in this room by myself
trying not to scratch my arm
trying not to think about doing more
maybe freak everyone out again
i don't want that to happen
i want to be able to do it
without anyone making a big deal
something something
bodily autonomy
lol what a shit excuse for bodily autonomy
that's for people with actual problems

judgement
of
myself
if i do it enough
maybe nobody else will
starting to become aware of the contradictions

i took a shower
bare minimum
didn't brush my hair
but at least i smell better

under my weighted blanket
hugging zephyr
i put a good smell on me
so it's just here
i put on a dress that feels like pajamas
i have my fuzzy sweater
the oldest one i still have
it's old and stretched out
so it's massive and
just swallows me
i can hide my arms
all the way to the fingertips
if i want
my vision fades in and out
the same playlist I've listened
on repeat to
it's become the soundtrack
of staying alive

i drove to shell
for monster
and taste stim

thinking recklessly
driving along the middle line
thinking
if i just happened to twitch
as i often do
the car might swerve left into oncoming traffic
and the thing is
i would end up living
because of course
it couldn't just be that simple

i ate leftover pizza
go me
not wasting food

i also ate a thing of donuts
a mega cosmic brownie
a package of sour gold bears
there's Boston crème pie
and will be thai food
I'm just going to make up
for those missed days
in half a day
who fuckin cares

at least I'm back in the 180s
never going to be 140s probably ever again
i miss being smol

i used to be 4'11" and 100 lbs

in high school

passage of time is fucked