11-28-21

I'm uncomfortable with the fact
that people can see me from the street

it makes me self conscious of my general existence

somebody looking in could easily surveil me
if somebody really wanted to
if the neighbors really wanted to
(because their big open front window
looks directly in our big open front window)
if a potential bad actor
wanted to put things together
fuck with my life

it would be so easy right now
they would see me exist in one general area of the house 75% of the time (the remaining 25% in my room)
i sit here
in this bouncy chair
staring at some combination of screens
having weed
under a fuzzy or heavy blanket
often holding a stuffie
drinking white monster constantly
it's 0 calories
it has no sugar
it has a completely regular taste
slightly lemon lime
slightly sweet
fizzy
cold
acidic
in a can
so there's less chance of spilling
but also not an unwieldy implement
for holding a liquid until the liquid is consumed
and i have to spend zero seconds thinking about the problem of the body constantly needing fluid or shall it perish

i eat food
once a day
usually not prepared by me
though almost always within my eating limits

it doesn't have to be this way but i don't know how to make it not be this way
because as a living being
one should be providing sustenance for itself
because without it you die

if it stopped i could adapt
go back to the way it was before
when i also ate once a day
usually some cheap bullshit
processed food and soda because sugar = energy

i would sustain

would it be good
or healthy?

is it ableism that makes that matter?

i would sustain
just like I'm sustaining now
my time patterns would rearrange
which over time is fine

at least now i get a cooked meal that varies
once a day

and then i eat more indulgent processed bullshit

because it makes it seem better

is it classism
learned from Midwest rugged individualism

is it ableism
to think one should eat "better"

is it ableism that the fact that food appears
and i eat the food
makes me completely uncomfortable
because i should be Doing Things
for the food
should

it's what is happening
and i have been sustaining

because i don't have to think
because thinking takes energy
the exact energy
that we are already lacking

the type of energy
that leaving requires
that moving requires
that socialising requires

when i can still engage systems
because systems are known
systems are logical
systems can be reasoned about
systems that can distract me
from the fraught contradiction
that my material conditions provide me
the very contradiction
that causes me distress
because i have it so easy
yet i find reasons to self harm

the world isn't eminently trying to kill me
so I'll do some shit myself to make it worse