11-29-21

i waited until the end to show my arm
it's not that i'm ashamed
i just know other people will worry more than me

just like when I eat "not enough"
or "not healthy"
It takes spoons

sitting here with my
unbrushed
unwashed hair

i can only leave it up in a bun so long
if it's not high enough
it makes my head hurt

so i let it down
with all its knots
and tangles

i can run my fingers through it
and get rid of as many tangles
as i can get ahold of

it should be alarming
that there's this much hair
that either gets pulled

or broken
it's a lot that
is not attached to me anymore

should i be alarmed
or is it just a regular
amount of hair to lose

over a few days
that are coming out now
all at once

under a blanket
stimming with zephyr
rocking back and forth

i wonder what things
i talked about today
i know it was about
5% of the amount

i am supposed to message
and should probably resched instead of skip
why am i stressed out about the social
implications that this situation requires

distracting noises
that make me think i'm in trouble
i hear dishes being banged
and silverware scraping

it's really loud
and makes me feel negatively
because perhaps it should be me
that is banging on the dishes

i'm so fucking tired
just really really tired
being out in the out
really drains my spoons

i wish i had someone
that just listens to my bullshit
until there's no more bullshit
because even an hour feels like a miracle

it's really nice
to just be heard

when i can get myself
to become okay with being perceived
in a judgement free zone
with a Specific Reason

i just ramble endlessly at random every thought that happens to show up in my brain
there's supposed to be a goal
supposedly

maybe it's okay that it's not concrete
maybe it's helpful to them
to just get the thoughts out there
cuz even if i prep i end up wandering

would it be helpful to just share
reckless outflows of written words

i don't know what's socially acceptable
i don't know what level of connection
is going to be the wrong level of connection
that gets me dropped into the wild again
because i just simply become too much
maybe that's why i don't share much with the regulars
at what point will this person not want to have anything to do with me anymore
because i don't know how many times that has happened
and it will happen again
there is a time out there in the future
when something is going to change
and it's going to fuck me sideways again
then i will run away
because it got too good
and then fell apart
so i have to create some chaos
instead of just dealing