11-30-21

the tear drop Spotify Playlist
is too real
i keep listening to it

"I'm not alright"

"You can see the pain in my laugh (Yeah, yeah)
Demons comin' back from the past (Yeah, yeah)
Feelin' like I'm 'bout to relapse (Yeah, yeah)
Voices in my head (Yeah, yeah)
All I can hear them say (Yeah, yeah)
Is everyone wants me dead (Yeah, yeah)
Bitch, I'm already dead (Yeah, yeah)
I've been dead for years" -juice wrld

wow

uhhh yeah
though I'm not specifically suicidal
shit just gets intense
and i need time out

at least i have a room
to hole up in
to listen to music
i had some weed
smoked a clove
drank some elixir

my body is kinda
shaky
walking is weird
but at least I'm more chill right now

i gave myself permission to get in my bed
before the end of the day
i know they are going to be like wtf
why isn't she out here

i left the tv paused
it's about that time that mom comes out
i feel bad
because i should be with her
so when i make a specific decision not to
it's always a Thing

i should be messaging my therapist
I'm not
because
it gives me anxiety to try to formulate words
to a new person
and i don't know the social boundary
and i don't want to be a burden
and i don't want to be weird
even though they need to know
if I'm rescheduling

I'll probably get a message tomorrow
which i will respond because that's easier
or i could figure out the words later
because today is not over

i bet they notice I'm not out there and am not coming out there
for a while
soon
one will come in
probably mom
and here i lay almost horizontal
blanket in mouth
zephyr being squeezed
right foot stimming on top
of left foot
i think i have to pee
but that would require moving
and going out there

it's not like normal though
because they are Worried
and I'm currently isolating
out of Self Care
nothing is going to happen in here
that isn't squeezing a stuffie
and looking at the small internet
though presently notebook

right hand sweeping
across the screen

getting mad when dual language swipe
decides to choose some really wrong words
that i keep having to correct

"this my world but y'all just living in it"
that's why i don't like being perceived
though it might actually be the opposite

i keep getting annoyed that
I'm supposed to be listening
but my brain just refuses to
so i reply with a delayed meow
because it took that long to
process someone talking to me

i didn't actually hear
the words
just some noises
that were generally directed at me

it's worse when I'm focused on something else
because my brain can't multi-task like that
I'm expected to be listening
so someone doesn't get mad at me
for not listening

so it costs the energy of being
on all the time
until my brain gives up
and I'm forced somewhere else

not that i hate that
i need to give it moments
and i can't parallelize
listening, hearing
regulating, thinking
seeing, hand movements
all at once
i get somewhere between 1 and 3
depending where my brain is
tending towards 1 this past month

i wonder if all this stuff I've been masking
for so long straight through events
is deciding to dump out now

though there is house things happening again
but there wasn't for a while
i just had to exist and be on at all times because there was constant shit happening
i didn't have anywhere to go
so i just masked
but over time
the ability to mask diminishes
and i get very "i need to make this stop now"

because there is certainly
some sort of energy
that needs to get out of my body
instead of just ignored and
hope it goes away

right now it's getting out of my body
with a blanket
an octopus on my head
my feet rubbing back and fourth
stuffies to my left
laying down

tear drop
saying the words i can't come up with
the beats are chill vibes