12-2-2021

my legs are killing me tonight
i painted my nails again
i got black
cuz that's where I'm at
my shaking was bad
i painted my fingers
fucking frustrating
then i have to get the excess off my skin
without messing up the good
there's always spots where
i got a little too much
kinda like when i pick the skin
on my feet
i get a little much and then
it bleeds and stings for the next day
i stop for about three seconds
then my fingers start looking
for another piece to grab
and pull

it's gross
and ends with an ever growing pile
of decaying epithelial cells

they've tried to get me to stop
it's like
when a person tries to get you
to quit something you know
is absolutely bad for you

like inhaling things into your lungs
only some things are okay
to inhale

especially if they come with
a handy dandy tax stamp
and ushered by the government
into your house
for payment

they really want that for weed too

but i mean, inhaling things is just life
at this point
unless someone can show me
specific data on how
in my specific case
this thing is hurting me

until then
weed cloves probably salvia
dmt if we ever get there
vape
hookah
albuterol
steroid inhalers

none of these functionally hinder me
in some cases
function becomes easier

i like marykate
though
she was worried
and to me
I'm just coping
with the fact
that we throw meds
at the wall
in hopes something
sticks for longer
than a second

i relapsed with self harm
and just like last time
i can't stop thinking about it
i don't want to stop
am i just dramatic

why do i like it
do i just have to prove
that things are not all right
that things have gotten
out of control

they want me to get rid of my implements
is it weird
to cling
to any sign of life
life in this case
means prickles of blood
at least it's not flowing blood
that makes it not as bad right
i guess
it could get infected
but it probably won't
life in this case means clinging
to any positive social interaction
even though on the back end you are worried
self conscious about

every aspect

not just what's happening right now
but the history
the history

I'm just terrified of being abandoned
it's like okay this is good now

when is the good going to be gone
the good is always going to be gone
no matter how much you safeguard it

the word cling

was not an accident

there's going to be a point where
I'm going to be Too Much
with that spectre
i can't explore too far
because once doors open
they don't close again
Pandoras box
doesn't go back to shut
things can't be unpercieved

i have no sense of self
just sensory memories
i imitate

there's like...
echolalia

but there's also just taking aspects
of past compartments
and copy pasting into now
every saying
every noise
every way of being
other people's favorites
music genres
that go on to define
whole parts of my life
that were discovered through
innocuous social interaction
it could be even just one time
even ideologies
i just idealize people
and their personas
and adopt their things as mine
the varporwave root
that grew into so much more

was mentioned
offhand
by someone i had an immense friend crush on

at the end of college
when i had an anarchist
change my whole world view
when i realized
things are not always
the way the states narrative
says they are

when i realized the lies and indoctrination
that public schools send you through
the authoritarian nature of the American family

queer family and polyamory
really being raised
by a village
and not just an idyll

these structures that are stood up
relied on
reinforced
necessitate their necessity
all on the authority of the state
every relationship
tracked
documented
forced birth and the death penalty
on the authority of the state
being policed
by tyrants bent on killing
all who do not submit
being locked up
and used as free labor
on the authority of the state
being too much of a degenerate
to be pushed to the edge of society
on the authority of the state
poverty disability wages
and sky high healthcare
on the authority of the state
forced to the street
then swept street to street
on the authority of the state

that seed planted in 2012/13
grew into quite a forest

daily weed as a lifestyle
a thing i learned in Portland
with my friends from

Bakersfield, Detroit, Columbus, and Gold Beach
A time when i learned communality
they made sure i was safe and fed
they made sure i understood things
that went completely over my head
11th floor
overlooking the timbers stadium

the time i freaked chelsea the fuck out
when i was climbing into
the forbidden area on the top of the apt bldg

you had to climb kinda on an edge
and around a fence that extended to
the edge of the building
and you just hoped it stayed intact
while you swing around it

13 floors up
i didn't give a fuck
just being reckless
if i died what did it matter
i was just floating by

and here i am thinking about cutting again

but otherwise
the needle is right there
i could pick it up
right now
if i wanted to

my legs are killing me
maybe this other pain would distract me
from the nonconsensual pain
now there's a thought

now, they told me to message

it's 1:47AM

all of my previous social interactions
inform me that i should not be messaging
someone randomly
at almost 2 in the morning
who isn't your best friend

i hate the social aspect of fucking everything

I'm pretty sure I'm touch starved

take your medicine adaleigh

fuck it
it hurts
but i did it
I'm truly deranged