11-15-21

so... baked. because of course. there's nothing wrong with that. some people understand it on a different level than other things. this creates complications in life that can be very confusing in the time that they are happening. my... mind is on fire, my being is asleep .

rocking

rocking

rocking

oh boy

these brownies were a little too much, I cede. We didn't know what we had. I'm

rocking

rocking

rocking
scared
disillusioned

tired

very tired

vibrating

over time

analyzing that
i don't know what

i don't know what to do

"Maybe the high is not so good"

Mmmmmmmm

Maybe I agree

I mean look at her, she's asleep

this is just every day, and has been,

i'm tired

Want to crawl in a hole

not exist anymore

i don't know how to find a therapist at all

i just did it, because it happened

i'm tired

i'm really tired

feeling a pulsating through my upper jaw

vibrating

not want to exist

don't want to be perceived

this is just life though, this is every day though

almost 32 years and i'm just here now

in this understanding that it's present day, this is just how it is

i went and said some shit and opened up for a minute

to become hopeful with a new situation there could be some change

what is going on that needs to change

i understand this is just real life and i live it every day

rocking. vibrating

"chillin"

i used to do this every day with Dylon,

that was real life then

this is real life now

there's a fucking timeline that i'm acutely aware of at this moment in time

this is just what we do

every day

play a game

ruthless

every day

This is just how life is right now.
Where even am i in this life
I sit and I stress and I cope and I try not to shut down
I try to be regular
because that's what the regular people do

this is
every
day

the timeline

should it change?

i am sure it should in some way

i don't know what

I just sit with it

Here

In the complicated parameters of existence that I've been supplanted.

i can write some thoughts down

you know

I tried to pay

I asked for the venmo.

I wanted to pay.

It was just real life.

I feel complicated.

Writing these words, because they are coming to me

This is every day

now! to be fair

too be fair.......

i sit with it

decaying every day

everything is fluctuating in directions that I don't quite understand. I'm tired

I'm so tired

I want to get in my bed

and go away into a hundred slices

// \ // \

writing
because what else can I do
I don't want to move right now

this is just how i exist in life, and i don't know why

a very complicated array of things that have brought me to this location

to be fair

to be fair....

I just happen to be thinking about this right now

I could disappear into some mundane activity right now if I wanted to.

Turn off.

Process Content.

I need help with my thing

She can help me with the thing

I'm thankful because I can sit here

i want to help do something

i need to do something

i'm tired

i need to get in the bed

i. did too much already today

i'm tired

so tired

i want to go in there turn on some music and turn off

just like i did on the train today

this is just life

i'm writing it down right now

i'm very scared to exist in life right now

i want to go to bed

this is too much

i want to turn off....
process content

i'm tired

this is just every day life

every day happens but i don't feel like i'm aging

like my body is noticably gettting shittier , i don't understand how to proceed in this instance

i have some kind of condition that makes me this way

this is just every day life

it never ends

sometimes i want it to end

turn off

tired

at the end someone's gonna come get me

and i'm going to have different this

different this

this is just what ishappening around me right now

i love everybody

my mind just gets confused and stressed trying to make sense of all of the social intricacies of the current

what's happening right now

i need to quit

i'm so tired

the birthday

i fucked up with the birthday

i keep doing that

they just keep passing by

and i'm just here for it

one a plane.

i'm so tired

i need to dissociate

i need to disappear

not be perceived

this is just what happens

when i try to grab on to this one cool little piece of life

vulnerable

having fun

existing

riding the train

as my mom would say

these are thoughts that are just happening

it's never ending

and i sit with it

stimming

rocking

vibrating

stopping the perception of time

usueless to personhood

i do nothing

i sit with it

this is real life

and it doesn't get to go away