Boundaries, Philosophy, and Alcohol

I'm so confused. I thought I posted last week, but I guess I didn't? My last post was on the 4th, right? That's basically two weeks away. Did I forget to update? Oopsie. I told myself I was going to keep at it, and I can't believe I'm failing to do that already. Wait. I'm so confused. Classes started last week. (I can't believe that it's only been a week!) This is the first real day of classes. Oh wait. The time stamp on this is from when I started the blog. Oopsie :3.

Okay, anyways let's get started on this post.

One thing that always has troubled me is setting boundaries. Usually, I've had boundaries set for me by my parents. That's why I don't have experience saying no. This is probably a problem. I don't really want to write about it, but I thought it would be good to say here. For context. Yeah, I only want to write about the last part.

I need to edit some posts so it's less clear who I am exactly, because I think I'll end up writing about some more illegal things. Like alcohol. Someone in my living neighborhood hosted some other student for HackMIT. It turns out that they were here more for the parties than the hackathon part. Anyways, he purchased some alcohol, since he was 21. That was Friday night. I had some, mainly out of curiosity.

What did I think of it? Well, I asked for some the next night, so that should be a good indicator of how that went. The upperclassmen seemed concerned for me. I don't think I'll ask for any tonight. Here, I want to write about it, since this is a good record. It makes you feel warm and fuzzy on the inside, and it makes you feel warm in general. Mentally, it felt like my head was cleared entirely, and I just couldn't feel anything. It was actually really nice. I just kept psetting while sipping on my Malibu mixed with a lot of Coke (and the next night, it was with Sprite).

I don't think that's why I like alcohol. Yes, emotional escapism is nice and everything, but I think the best part about alcohol is that you can say whatever without worrying about the repercussions. I felt like I could say things without restrictions, and if I ever said the wrong thing, then I could blame it on the liquor. I remember in 6th grade, there was a little presentation by a police officer about not taking drugs and alcohol. He asked everyone, "who wants to be in control of themselves?" and I thought to myself, I don't mind losing control. Everything wrong that "you" do can be blamed on the drug. I mean, who doesn't want to live without responsibilities?

My upperclassmen tell me that I'm old. They say that I give off sophomore vibes, stating that sophomore fall was probably the worst moment in everybody's college career. I must have seem way too tired for any kind of event. I think I was still recovering from the work that I have to do for classes. I like working all the time, and my upperclassmen told me that I need a day away from all of that. I agree with that. It's just, sometimes I feel guilty for being unproductive. That's me being responsible right? Is that why I want to lose responsibility, and is that why I want to drink? To be clear, I only drink a small amount, definitely not enough to get drunk.

Now as the night progresses, I do wish I could take some alcohol. For the emotional numbness. Wait, I take back what I said about emotional escapism, because I am craving that right now. You know, when I was younger, I used to imagine myself as an alcoholic. I really could foresee myself drinking to stop thinking. I don't know how to feel about this but. I'm not going to drink tonight, though. Let's go willpower.

I'm happy that there are people who are interested in philosophy in my entry. The days that I have drank (and to be clear, I did not get drunk), we ended up watching Wolf of Wall Street, discussing ethics, and attempting to pset. It's a great conglomeration of conversation. After you drink, you can just jump into whatever conversation you want to join without feeling awkward. Yeah, I have social anxiety. I try my best to hide it, though.

I apologize for the low quality blog post.