End of Freshman Fall

I've survived a semester at MIT! It's honestly flown by, but so much has happened. In somewhat chronological order:

Splurging on room decorations, Mario Tennis, a short-lived attempt at cooking for myself, listening to my friends' boy dramas, my own boy dramas, whining about 8.01, so many trips across the Harvard and BU bridge, ChatGPT, BSO concerts, at least 500 dollars worth of Venmo transactions, Costco trip, drugs, matcha drinks, the first birthday cakes and birthday parties I've had in a long while, a brief moment where I was so sure math wasn't for me, more impulse purchases and now a pretty based setup, failing to get into frat parties, a cat maid outfit, Gloucester and Rockport trip, increasingly late night degeneracy, Suika game, haircuts in the 5th floor bathroom, too many sexual innuendos, 5am Minecraft, boba, Dominoes.

I only had one final, which was 8.01, Classical Mechanics, on the first day of finals. It's a required physics class, so it was supposed to be an easy pass. I did pretty well, in fact, because I actually studied this time (watching the 4.5 hour review video at 2x speed). I think I'll end the class with a B (I ended with a B+), and if I'm lucky (and this will probably not happen), I'll get an A. It doesn't matter, though. Freshman p/nr, my grades aren't even recorded. I was just studying because I felt some kind of ethical obligation to have at least some understanding of what's going on in the class rather than flailing around on each problem, writing random crap, and getting a dirty amount of partial credit.

Our dorm, which does not have a dining hall, is providing free breakfast and dinner for us until the end of finals, which I think is either Thursday or Friday (which is crazy late!). It's really nice of them to do so, because I definitely would not have the time or energy to make myself food if I had to study and prepare for finals. Honestly, Monday morning was such a vibe! There were so many people out and about at 8am, getting ready to go to their first final. This is doubly rare for MacGregor, since we're the dorm with all the singles and there's this (like 70% true) stereotype that we are loners who are always in our rooms all day. I think a lot of us just have really bad/unconventional sleep schedules. I mean, my suite is bursting with activity at 3am. Anyways, I felt a sense of solidarity with the rest of my school.

I mentioned this in my post "No longer 17" (https://listed.to/@angelofd3sth/47270/no-longer-17) that college truly is the time for self-discovery. I can definitely echo that sentiment right now. I've done much more things than I thought I actually would, and I'm quite glad that I did. But it's like math, or any other kind of subject: the more I learn, the less I realize I know. I mean, in high school, I used to have some naive idea of who I am and what I want to be, but I think my understanding of who I am was rather shallow, which is fine, because I wasn't trying to understand myself at that time. Sometimes it's easier to be a simple person. I think? But now, I'm even more lost than before.

Since I'm on the plane back home on Christmas day (Merry Christmas and happy holidays!!!), I have nothing better to do than reflect on everything that I've done this semester. I intended to do this on my first flight, which was significantly longer, but I forgot to pull up my old posts before I got on and I didn't have in-flight wifi. I've learned from my mistakes and I have all of them up right now, so I suppose we'll see what comments I have to make about everything since I started the blog.

• I thought that I had to have a commitment to writing for me to write regularly, but now it's more of a duty, but like in a correct sense. I feel like I should write my blog not because that's a goal I have for myself, but rather because I genuinely want to write about my experiences. Surely this is a good sign.
• This semester, I tried a lot of processing emotions. Well, I don't think I was processing, but rather spiraling, which was not helpful. I've found that talking or just being with other people has been decently helpful. It doesn't have to be about the topic that's troubling. Something about being with friends is soothing. Which brings me to my "existential crisis," which I still have not resolved. I'm still more or less easily influenced by other people. I will say that there are parts of my personality that stays constant despite interacting with people, and a lot of these traits I "take for granted." They're more innate and something that I overlook. Sometimes, I get deeply troubled by this stupid crisis, and I really shouldn't. I feel like I think that being easily influenced by others is more of a bad thing than it actually is, but I'm not entirely sure.
• Not related to previous blogs, just something that I thought of recently. It takes self-discipline to stop the bad thoughts. Sometimes I just let them take me. Most of the time, the solution to my bad moods aren't a lot of work, but the mental activation energy is so immensely high that I don't. I suppose it's just something that I need to work on. It doesn't help that being at this school is draining as fuck. No wonder I see (MIT) confession after confession about people dealing with each other's problems. Not giving empathy, not listening and the like. We're all so fucking tired that it's hard to be good human beings to each other. I haven't really thought much into this, so don't quote me. I hope that I'll be able to give others around me the empathy that they deserve.
• Damn, I should write more smaller posts that focus on my everyday experience. I'll forget the small moments if I don't write them down, and it's nice to remember all the small moments. Well, it's nice to read something and feel the memories rush back to you.
• I listen to Vocaloid a vast majority of the time now. I stopped playing Project Sekai for a while during the semester, but I met someone else who played it and I got back into it. I discovered some more banger songs from the game. There's something about knowing the darkness of the lyrics coupled with the music that makes Vocaloid so captivating (I'm looking at you Meltdown).
• Bitch, you thought sleeping at 1 is fucked wait till you find out about how sleeping at 1am is now considered early for you and the average time you went to bed is probably 2:30am.
• After living in my room for three months, I finally ended up folding paper cranes during finals week and decorating my room. I bought a pack of postcards that had paintings of the National Parks on them and I placed them up in front of my desk. They're really pretty cards, but I don't really look at them much and I really should.
• "Maybe I'll find some fashionista in Boston who will transform me into the cutie I want to be. An East Asian cutie patootie." - it's funny, because I found that person, and that person is my best friend from back home who also is going to school in Boston. I'm really grateful for her. She's a great friend.
• No, it still hasn't sunk in yet that I'm a college student. I wonder if it ever will.
• Ironic that I said I didn't like debating philosophy, because that's what I ended up doing.
• "I hope I'll have fun and not spiral down an endless pit of self-loathing because of imposter syndrome." - LOL

Update: So I didn't get to finish writing this entire post on that plane ride (because it was like an hour long), so here I am almost a week after I got back home ready to do something outside of play Valorant all day. Because of this, I was not in the same headspace throughout writing this blog so I apologize if it's a little bit discontinuous. Also, I stopped reading because something about remembering the past just makes me feel icky. I wonder if anyone else gets that.

Anyways that's a rather abrupt way of ending the post. I suppose I'm not really in the mood to reflect on what's happened. Is it a bad thing? Probably. I think I'll go write in my little personal journal about what I want the new year to be like.

Cheers to 2024?