4/26 update !!!

I cut my ankle and it lowkey bled everywhere. I was standing in a puddle of blood that was gathered in my knock-off crocs (thank god I wasn't wearing an actual shoe because that would be annoying asf to deal with) and it was a rather awkward situation to deal with overall imo. Now I'm seated at my desk, which is next to my bed, and I have my legs up on my bed (which is so very nice and warm and cozy) and I think to myself, what better way to spend my time injured than to update my blog?

For the last two-ish weeks, I've been really trying to lean into that self-care business. I'm trying to start a new habit where every week, I take a full nice and super clean shower and then doing some relaxing spa-like beauty routines, like putting on a face mask and stuff. Part of the routine was shaving my legs (because ahhh some girls have hair on their bodies) and my dumbass lets my razor glide a little bit too far and fast and wham, it takes off a chunk of ankle skin. I suppose a new addition to my self-care this week is caring for my wounds.

Usually I would be writing in my journal while I do this whole cute little self-care routine but I decided that my bleeding ankle is something I should tell the world. And so here I am.

It's been a good couple of weeks since I last wrote about my life. Well, the CPW post doesn't count, because it was kind of rushed and a good portion of it was written after CPW because I didn't have the time during CPW to write it, and I didn't have the energy immediately after to write it either. But since then, I've been doing all the basic stuff that people do to help their life get better, despite the amount of work I had to do.

I remember distinctly writing earlier about boundaries in a previous post (https://listed.to/@angelofd3sth/46575/boundaries-philosophy-and-alcohol), but now that I read it, I realized I didn't really talk about it that much. I just briefly mentioned that I was bad at setting them. I remember distinctly in the fall semester that I was staying up really late talking to people because it was simply difficult to leave and go to bed. I remember being miserable from the lack of sleep. I think I was sleep-deprived a lot of those days and going through days on end of dissociating (https://listed.to/@angelofd3sth/48344/i-can-feel-the-strings-attaching-my-soul-to-my-body-loosen) and general unhappiness.

It's like one of those situations where everybody knows the solutions but nobody has the willpower or discipline to act on it. I knew my solution. One part of it was just saying no to people and going to bed at a time that was correct for my body. I complained constantly about having my body wake me up around 8 or 9 every morning regardless of when I go to sleep, and I still experience that now. The simple solution is just to go to bed at 12 or 1 so I can get the correct amount of sleep. That's what I've been doing. My body has been much happier. At least, I haven't consistently dissociated in a while. That's what we call a dub.

Though I don't think it's entirely because I'm going to sleep when my body demands me to go to sleep. Part of it might also come from me being able to say no to these people who I used to stay up late with, and realizing that I truly was wasting my time staying up with them (I'm sorry guys, I love y'all but I also am happier when I have my alone time at night). That emphasis that I'm starting to place on my own personal well-being probably also contributes to my general increase in happiness and contentment in life.

Recently, and I really don't want to jinx this, I've been going to sleep extra early (at 12!) and waking up early (at 8!) to go on a little run or do a quick little workout in my room in the mornings. Then, I'll go take a quick little shower and my hair will be nice and poofy from the steam and I'll feel fulfilled and satisfied throughout the day. I used to be an exercise hater, because I was going about it wrong. I used to beat myself up for not running faster when I could, and I was always anxious that I wasn't putting in my maximum effort. I might have written about this before? but I used to think never-ending thoughts about how I'm a loser and a quitter that never puts in their full effort into anything.

I mean my concerns are totally fair, but I was getting really caught up in those details that running was just an absolutely miserable experience for me. After consuming a series of content about mental health-y kind of things, I started to change my mindset about the whole situation. Suddenly, it wasn't because I gotta run because I'm lazy and unhealthy and everybody judges me because I run slow. It became I want to run because it'll be good for my body. I'll learn to work through harder things, and I'll feel healthier afterwards. I don't think it was a change that happened overnight, and I really wish I could pinpoint all the reasons behind my better mental health and attitude right now towards things so I can write it down and maybe help someone else who is going through something similar to what I've been through.

I've also been kind of consuming the "glow up" kind of content, because I do want to prettier. But this time, it's mostly entirely for myself rather than for the eyes of someone else. It's like how sometimes, you put on a nice piece of clothing or something, and you look in the mirror and you go "damn, I look so hot" and then you just feel better about yourself for the next couple hours. I know there are people who just flex in front of mirrors and feel good about themselves. I'm not saying that it's vain, no, not at all. It's good to do that sometimes, so you get that little bit of self-confidence boost and you just feel better about yourself in general. People go workout so they can flex in the mirror more and think they look better. I've been consuming fashion and skincare and makeup advice so that I can also look better and feel better, and it's been working.

I haven't really spent much money on the entire process. I've just added rubbing Vaseline on my lips to my daily skincare routine (which currently consists of Target-bought cleanser, moisturizer, and sunscreen, along with some salicylic acid which I've heard helps with blackheads or sebum on my nose or whatever it is, though I haven't really observed it working). I also bought some (cheap) face masks and blackhead strips. I haven't really noticed anything too significant, but there are definitely days when the really mild red bumps on my skin go away, and my lips look nice and plump. I'm blessed with naturally good skin, so I don't really expect much change to happen.

It's good to do a self-care routine, because you're caring for yourself. Implicitly, that involves loving yourself, and it's good to love yourself more. I think a good amount of issues that people have (especially as they relate to other people) stem from not being secure in oneself, which comes from not loving oneself enough to be satisfied. It's also important to practice self-care, since you're signalling to your subconscious and/or your body that you are the most important thing to yourself, and so you would want yourself to be in a better place. This allows you to be ready to grow and become a better person, so you can help others as well. Yes, you need to be happy and secure with yourself before you can start helping other people. That's why it's important for me to get my life in order, so I have the patience and the energy to help other people.

Anyways, wholesome post today :) Have a great week y'all. Love you <3